To Live For Christ

I feel so empty and alone.  I feel a pain so intense it’s sucking the life right out of me.  They say “you’re attention seeking” when I’m crying out for help.  They call me a child when they have no idea the pain I’ve been going through is literally killing me.  Try having no emotional skin, that feels like having 90% of your body covered in 3rd degree burns.  At this point, I feel like I’ve self-combusted and somehow my body survived.  Everything is so painful for me, to where I go back and forth from my traumas telling me “don’t let anyone touch you or get near you” and I just want someone to hold me and tell me “it won’t always be like this; you’re worth fighting for.”  Constantly I think about my death, I’m dying inside so why not finish the job off?  I just cause pain for the people I care about, surely they’d be better off without me.  I keep fighting though, I’m not giving up, not for myself, not for friends or family, but to honor Christ with my life.  I place everything in His hands.  I will continue to empty myself until I have nothing left to give, and I find that even during the times when I feel exhausted and like I have nothing left to give, I always still have more I can give of myself.  I will empty myself of pride and selfishness and though I won’t be perfect, I will do my best to live my life in service to Christ and others.  In serving others, I am serving Christ as well.  I’m wounded, deeply wounded, but I’m dying to myself I will live in Christ.  I won’t hold others mistakes over their heads, but will pray for them, asking God to forgive them, because they don’t know what they’re doing.  I won’t close off my heart to others even though I know I will get hurt again.  I tried to turn my tender heart into stone, but I couldn’t do it.  I suppose God had other plans.  I will put my hope in seeing Christ one day face to face, and He smiles at me and tells me I fought the good fight, and won.  That I served my God and He is pleased with me.  I know I’m not a strong person, but in my weaknesses Christ is strong.  While there are those out there who will use my weaknesses and my heart against me, Christ turns them into spiritual muscles.  I know I won’t live forever in this world, but I am going to live like a soldier for Christ and fight until I breathe my last breath.