One Year

It's been one year today since my childhood idol Chester Bennington took his life.  When I first heard about it a year ago, my heart was shattered.  If he couldn't overcome his obstacles, how could I overcome mine?  There were 30% more calls to the suicide hotline than normally that day.  I guess I wasn't the only one who thought if he couldn't overcome his obstacles, I probably couldn't either.  In his last album he recorded with Linkin Park, I wish he had listened to the lyrics to his song "One More Light."  If he had realized that there are people who loved him (and I don't mean just his fans, but his friends and family too), would he have stayed?  See, depression is tricky - it lies to us.  It tells us we're completely alone.  It tells us no one loves us.  It tells us no one understands us. It tells us that we're failures no matter what we do.

Do I feel suicidal still?  Sometimes.  But I've chosen not to give into it and go through with it since the car accident.  I do understand feeling depressed.  I understand how living with mental illnesses can be a living hell.  I understand feeling desperate to escape, and feeling like the only way out is through death.  But it won't accomplish anything good.  Suicide doesn't get rid of the pain, it transfers it.

I think we need to change how we report suicide though.  The media is very good with giving details on how a person died.  Whenever they've reported on a suicide, they don't just say "died by suicide."  They give the details on how that person killed themselves.  This can be a trigger for people who struggle with suicidal ideations.  Instead of giving the details, just report that the person has passed.  If you must report that it was a suicide, just leave it at that, they died by suicide.  Don't give the details on how the person killed themselves.

If you are feeling suicidal, please, talk to someone about it.  Your life is precious, even if your depression tells you differently.

Update 07/15/2018

Hey y'all, I have some updates (I haven't written in a couple months/since the car accident).

My husband has a new car thanks to my parents.  My dad gave my husband his car (thanks mom and dad!) and we love it!  It's got duel temperature change in it, which my husband is very pleased to have.  I tend to freeze my husband in the car so now I can live in the arctic and he can live in the desert in the car, lol 😂

We are still working on my medications.  I developed a new unpleasant side effect with my medications - restless legs syndrome.  I'm pacing back and forth nearly all day, every day.  It got to the point where I couldn't really sleep at night because no matter how exhausted I am, my legs feel like they have to keep moving.  It's gotten a little better now though.  I'm still pretty restless during the day, but my legs are starting to calm down at night (thank God!).

I don't know how well this is going to go to share this, but I'm going to share anyway.....

For a while now (the past few months especially), I've had an emptiness feeling.  We've gone to a good church for the past few years.  There's nothing wrong with our church really.  The people are also very kind and welcoming.  Unfortunately, there's a couple of things.  I've been feeling like I'm missing something in my faith.  I haven't completely figured out what exactly it is I'm missing, but I'm on a journey to figuring out what it is I'm missing.  There's nothing wrong with the preaching, don't get me wrong.  But I don't feel like I'm really being "fed" anymore.  I'm not really learning anything anymore.  On top of that, I can't really serve at the moment.  Mentally-wise, I'm too "sick" still to do much serving.  I hate to say also, some of my passion I used to have for God has gone away (maybe that's what I'm missing?).  I'm working on getting that passion back though.  In my journey of finding what it is I'm lacking in my faith, I've been exploring Catholicism and Eastern Orthodoxy.  My husband is researching as well, though we're different in this.  There's a strong possibility I could convert to Eastern Orthodoxy, while with my husband it isn't as likely he'll convert.  We've started going to a Greek Orthodox Church every other week for liturgy on Sundays, and we try to make it for their Wednesday night services too.  In September, we'll be attending catechism classes.  It's definitely a different experience than what I'm used to going to, but it's different in a good way I think.  The first time I went to their liturgy service, I was nearly moved to tears.  It was absolutely beautiful.  I don't know what it is, but I feel like whatever it is I'm missing in my faith, I'm going to find it here.  While emotionally I'm still experiencing a rollercoaster of emotions, it's been helping me somehow.  I feel calmer, and when I start struggling, I try to recite the Jesus Prayer ("Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner") over and over and usually, it actually helps!  I know it may upset some people that I might not be Protestant anymore, but I'm still a Christian.  I'm still following Christ!  I just might be differently than some of you.  I have a couple icons and a prayer bracelet.  For my birthday(which is coming up in a month), I'm hoping to get the Orthodox Study Bible, as well as my favorite Jesus icon (Jesus Christ, the Good Shepherd icon).  I think the Study Bible might help me learn more about Orthodoxy too.  I've been doing some reading, talking to some people about it, and watching videos about it as well.  I listen to a lot of the chants on YouTube throughout the day too.  It helps me focus more on God and calms me.  I actually find myself looking forward to going to church now, which hasn't been for a while.  I have nothing against the church we went to before.  On the contrary, I loved that church.  They were really good to my husband and me.  If someone asked me to recommend a church to go to, it would be one of the ones I'd recommend.  I guess I'm just changing.  But change can be good sometimes too 😌

That's all I've got for now.  Peace be with you!