Suicide Prevention Awareness Month

It's September, which means it's suicide prevention awareness month.  If you've been following my blog for a while, you know I have a lot to say about the topic on suicide - as someone who has attempted four times in the past nine years and many "almost" attempts.  Suicidal ideations and self-harm are things I still struggle with nearly daily.  Some days are harder than others.  I know what it's like to want to give up, like there's not much left to live for and and you're just tired of the intense pain you feel.  I know what it's like to feel worthless.  I know what it's like to feel like there's not much hope left.  If you are feeling this way, know this: YOU are NOT ALONE.  There are people (like myself) who know what you are going through.  I can empathize with you.  You do have a purpose.  You have more worth than you could ever imagine.  My husband did a podcast interview with me this year on the topic of suicide; if you'd like to listen to it click here.

If you know someone who is struggling with suicide (or self-harm), here are some tips on how to reach them.

- Let them know they aren't going through this alone.  That you are there for them no matter what.  People who are suicidal often feel like they're all alone, even if they're surrounded by many people.  Assure them that they aren't alone, and you're not going to leave them.

- Remain calm with them.  I know for me, if someone starts panicking, I start to panic as well.  I know it can be scary to think someone you care about is suicidal.  But if you remain calm, it's easier for them to remain calm as well.

- (If possible) remove anything around them that they could hurt themselves with.  For example, my husband has locked in a safe all of our belts, medications, and rope.  We also don't have any sharp knives in our apartment.  This could upset them and be a bit of an inconvenience, but if they are seriously considering suicide, remove as many harmful things as possible.

- Stay with them.  Don't leave them alone.  When we're alone, we start idealizing ways to hurt ourselves more than if we're with someone.  Feelings of abandonment makes things so much worse.  If you have to, stay with them overnight.  Of course, you can't watch them 24-7 so if things are progressively getting worse, it may be good to take them to the hospital.  I usually say this as a last resort though.  I've had trauma involving hospitals.  Some hospitals are okay and if your meds are out of whack (or you need meds) then the hospital can help with that.  They just usually don't even touch my meds.



If you are struggling with feeling suicidal, please, don't hurt yourself.  You are more valuable than you realize.  The pain may be intense now, it may even be intense for a long time, but it won't last forever.  The pain doesn't go away when you die - it gets passed on to those who care about you.  That pain for them NEVER goes away.  They continually question themselves on what they could've done to stop you.  Even if you make an attempt and you survive, people look at you differently.  People who knew me before my first suicide attempt, look at me differently since after the first suicide attempt.  You don't want that.

I have had suicidal thoughts lately.  I've chosen not to go through with them though.  I don't want to hurt anyone, especially my husband.  I also want to honor God with my life, and ending my life would not honor Him at all.  So I keep going.  I keep living, with hope that the pain won't be as intense for long.  Have hope, that tomorrow will be a new day with new opportunities.

Humility

What exactly is humility and what does it look like?  This is something I've wondered for a while.  When you think of humility, you think of someone who isn't prideful right?  Someone who doesn't think they're over the top great.  It's also someone who doesn't think they're over the top bad either.  I have a lot of false humility.  What that means is I beat myself up ALL the time and I have a lot of self-hatred.  That's the thing though, there's a lot of self-focus.  Someone who is humble is not self-focused.  They are selfless.  As I've been thinking about the saints, I've noticed a lot of them were selfless.  They didn't focus on themselves, they focused on others.  I spend so much time focusing on my pain or how bad of a person I think I am.  I try to focus on others, but I always go right back to focusing on myself.  I am trying to learn how to be more humble.  They say asking God to help you be humble is a dangerous prayer.  Indeed, I'm a bit afraid to pray it myself.  He won't just give you humility, he'll work you through it.  The thing you have to ask yourself is, is it worth it?  Is humility worth the trials ahead?  Is humility worth being broken for a while?  I'm broken as it is, but if God wants to break me even more in order for me to be humble, then so be it.  Humility is something I really want to have, so I'm prepared to work for it.  I'm tired of always focusing on myself.  I want to focus on the pain others have so I can help or pray for them, and less focus on my own pain.

Suffering

I once had a close friend that I had told I had at the time I tried to end my life.  I had been friends with her nearly all my life.  She had seen the suffering I had been through growing up.  You know what she told me though?  "You've never suffered a day in your life."

I often feel like my suffering is unbearable.  My mind is full of darkness and I can't seem to be able to escape it.  I often find myself asking God to have mercy on me and to end my life.  You may think this is an overreaction, but in my mind, it's not.  I don't think people could last even five minutes in my head.  There are some days where in my tears I beg God to just let me die.  Now, I don't say I suffer more than anyone else.  Different people suffer in different ways and can tolerate a different amount of suffering.  I've reached the point that I don't believe I can handle much more.

Recently though, I've started thinking about the saints (in both Orthodoxy and Catholicism) and their lives.  So many of them suffered, much more than I ever have.  I recently watched a movie about Saint Padre Pio's life.  He faced pain, illnesses, and persecution (from the Church) for 50 years!  Many saints were tortured and killed for their faith in Christ.  Most of my pain is inside my head, though that's not to downplay what I go through.  My pain, however, is not like what the saints have gone through.  If they could go through the suffering they went through, couldn't I as well (with God's help of course)?  If I start considering suicide or self-harm (which I have not cut for three months), I really need to consider if my actions are bringing honor to Christ.  The answer to that is no.  Self-harm and suicide does NOT bring honor to Christ.  It in fact does the opposite.  It brings dishonor to Him.  It says, "My problems are too big for him to help me through" and "My sin is too great for Him to forgive."  Am I sick?  Yes, mentally, I am VERY sick.  But that's not a death sentence either.  While I often feel like I'm cursed with the illnesses I have, God has also greatly blessed me.  To kill myself or to self-harm would be to spit in His face and say that it's not good enough.  If I want to honor Christ, I have to keep living for Him.  It's up to Him how and when I die; it's not up to me.  If I must suffer then so be it, but I know I won't be alone.  Christ is with me after all.  He can help me keep going.  No matter how empty I may feel, He can fill me.  Any suffering I go through in this life, is nothing compared to the joy I'll have with Him some day.  That is where I need to place my hope: that one day I will be with Him.

Update 8/27/2018

In a couple weeks the catechism classes start at the Orthodox Church I've been going to.  I'm really looking forward to them; I think I'll learn a lot going to them.

Yesterday my husband and I were almost in a car accident again.  It would not have been our fault this time if the car had hit us.  It was really scary though.  I was almost t-boned again.  My husband barely missed getting hit.  It brought flashbacks from a couple months ago when we were t-boned.  Needless to say, I'm still afraid of cars, or maybe just Georgia drivers in general.  My knee still hasn't fully recovered from that accident, but it's getting better.

Lately Shiro (my cat) has been acting strange.  He's not the cuddling type, but every morning he cuddles with me for a while.  I really like that, but I can't help but wonder why he's doing that.  That's not normal of him.  He's playing with one of his toys at the moment, and I'm enjoying watching him do that.

Last week, I actually had a couple of good days without really having any episodes.  It was really nice.  My episodes can be quite draining on me.  I'm sure they can be draining on people around me too.  I always feel so alone in my struggles, like no one understands me.  If no one can understand my pain, how can they help me?  I'm so used to people abandoning me or insulting me, that it surprises me whenever anyone sticks by me or says something nice about me.  It's the reason why I don't accept compliments very well.  I've had so many years hearing the opposite, that I just can't believe anything nice anyone says about me.  I have a lot of false humility.  People have told me in the past that they thought I was humble, but I've always known I'm not humble.  I have a lot of self-hatred, and I have a lot of self-focus.  We often equate someone who is humble to not think highly of themselves, but what humility really is, is someone who doesn't have a lot of self-focus.  If you're like me and have a lot of self-hatred, it does not mean you are humble.  If you have a lot of self-focus, even if it's negative self-focus, that's false humility.

I've lost 13 lbs in three weeks (didn't lose anything last week though) and gone down one dress size!  I'm on a new diet a friend from Celebrate Recovery is helping me with.  I've cut out bread, potatoes, rice, and sweets.  It's been tough but worth it I think.  I'm going to be trying to do more walking.  I'm just hoping I'll be getting more energy.  I'm always so tired, and honestly, being on this new diet has made me even more exhausted.  I can barely make it to 8:30 at night!  I'm 28 years old, I should not be going to bed that early!

This weekend my husband is going to interview me on his podcast on suicide awareness.  It's going to be really difficult because I have no idea how deep he's going to want me to get.  I don't know what all he's going to want me to share.  I'm honestly really nervous about it.  I hope I'll be able to help people, even if it's just one person.

I've been going through the Apocrypha.  I've never read them before so I thought it'd be a good idea to go through them.  I'm currently reading Judith.  I recently finished Tolbit and really liked it.  I've been thinking about writing a blog on Tolbit, but I haven't really figured out what I would write about it.

That's about all I've got for now.

Deep Red

(I did not cut/self-harm at the time of this writing)

I'm falling apart....

My insides churn....

My mind betrays me.....

I can't even cry anymore.....

I'm tired.....exhausted from the war that goes on in my mind.....

It's a struggle to even get out of bed every day.....

So much darkness.....

I clench my fist......

I see a deep red, flowing down my arm.....

It's warm.....

I don't want to live like this, but there's so much darkness.....

Where is the light?

The darkness swallows me, and I can't escape......

I expect to feel a sting like every other time I do this, but there's no sting.  Have I become numb?

I look at my arm, there's no deep red.  It's still dripping down the blade though.  Did I hallucinate it all?

I press the blade against my arm as I prepare to do it again, but a hand touches mine....there's blood dripping down it.

I don't understand, why is this other hand bleeding but not my arm?

"You don't have to do this."

"I can't keep living like this!  It hurts so much!  I just want the pain to end!  I need some relief!  This is the only way I'll get any relief, even if it's only for a short time...."

"Rely on me."

I look at the hand dripping with blood and I see the cuts I had made, I actually cut this other arm.  How is that possible?  Why are my cuts on someone else?

"I-I don't understand...."

"You don't need to punish yourself anymore.  I took your punishment for you."

Suddenly, a tear falls from the corner of my eye.

"I can never forgive myself for my sins.....my sins consume me, and I have to pay for all of them."

"Which sin do you have to pay for that I have not already paid for?"

I pause for a moment....

"My birth.  I should've never come into existence.  I'm a curse to everyone around me.  A leech that sucks people dry.  A disease that won't go away."

"If you never should've come into existence, you wouldn't be here.  I would've never made you.  You would've never been a thought that came across my mind at the beginning of existence.  Indeed, from the very beginning of time, you were on my mind."

I look up at their face, and they smile.

"As for your real sins, I've already forgiven and forgotten them.  You don't have to punish yourself any longer."

"This-this is the light that I've been searching for so long.  He's been here all along." I thought to myself.

"You don't have to drown in darkness anymore.  Cry out to me and I will come to your rescue.  I will not let the darkness take you away from me."

I drop the blade.  I can't hold back the tears any longer.  I fall into His arms bawling my eyes out.  I finally have hope.

Laziness and Depression

I've been accused of being lazy many times by people and it's  frustrating.  I'm really not lazy (well, maybe a little lazy at times).  If you've been following my blog, you know I struggle with a lot of different mental illnesses, depression being one of them.  When my mental illnesses are acting up, they can be very crippling - to the point it's nearly impossible for me to get out of bed.  I'd rather just sleep my problems away and hope that I won't wake up one of these days.  It takes everything I have to just get out of bed every morning.  It takes everything I have to do just about anything.  Sometimes it's so bad I can't even eat (I have to force myself to even do that).  I'd rather not have to face my demons every day.  I'd rather just lay in bed and pretend that nothing matters.  I'd rather just numb everything.  It hurts - a lot; and when I get accused of being lazy when I am putting so much effort in just surviving, that just adds salt on the wound.  My mind is a VERY dark place to be.  I don't think most people could last even five minutes in my mind.  Lucky for them, they don't have to. Unfortunately, I live there 24/7.

Depression is a beast, and sometimes it seems impossible to beat.  Some people are able to with medications.  For other people it's temporary.  For some of us though, it's constant, and medication doesn't always work.  For me, I can't take antidepressants - they make my depression worse and I become even more suicidal.  So what do I do?  I go through A LOT of therapy and support groups.  Sometimes they help, other times I feel stuck.  Like I'm in this pit and I can't get out.  Like I'm drowning in darkness and despair, and I can't breathe.  I just want it to be over.  I just want it all to be over....

I'm not lazy, I'm heavily depressed.  It takes everything I have to not do anything drastic.  It often hurts to even just breathe.  Sometimes I can't do things most people can do, not because I'm lazy, but because I literally cannot make myself do them.  I spend so much energy trying to fight my demons that I have none left for anything else.  I'm nearly 28 years old and you know how exhausting it can be to fight?  I went to bed at 8:30 last night!  I may be an early bird when it comes to going to bed but not THAT early!  I am fighting a battle that often feels like a losing one.  Every day I go on living is a victory.  Every time I get out of bed is a victory.  If you can't see that, I don't know what to tell you.

If you struggle with depression and people think you're lazy, you're not alone.  They just don't understand what we go through.  Keep getting out of bed when you can.  Keep fighting those demons.  Keep living.  Don't give up.  No matter how difficult the battle is, no matter how much it hurts, keep going.

One Year

It's been one year today since my childhood idol Chester Bennington took his life.  When I first heard about it a year ago, my heart was shattered.  If he couldn't overcome his obstacles, how could I overcome mine?  There were 30% more calls to the suicide hotline than normally that day.  I guess I wasn't the only one who thought if he couldn't overcome his obstacles, I probably couldn't either.  In his last album he recorded with Linkin Park, I wish he had listened to the lyrics to his song "One More Light."  If he had realized that there are people who loved him (and I don't mean just his fans, but his friends and family too), would he have stayed?  See, depression is tricky - it lies to us.  It tells us we're completely alone.  It tells us no one loves us.  It tells us no one understands us. It tells us that we're failures no matter what we do.

Do I feel suicidal still?  Sometimes.  But I've chosen not to give into it and go through with it since the car accident.  I do understand feeling depressed.  I understand how living with mental illnesses can be a living hell.  I understand feeling desperate to escape, and feeling like the only way out is through death.  But it won't accomplish anything good.  Suicide doesn't get rid of the pain, it transfers it.

I think we need to change how we report suicide though.  The media is very good with giving details on how a person died.  Whenever they've reported on a suicide, they don't just say "died by suicide."  They give the details on how that person killed themselves.  This can be a trigger for people who struggle with suicidal ideations.  Instead of giving the details, just report that the person has passed.  If you must report that it was a suicide, just leave it at that, they died by suicide.  Don't give the details on how the person killed themselves.

If you are feeling suicidal, please, talk to someone about it.  Your life is precious, even if your depression tells you differently.