Deep Red

(I did not cut/self-harm at the time of this writing)

I'm falling apart....

My insides churn....

My mind betrays me.....

I can't even cry anymore.....

I'm tired.....exhausted from the war that goes on in my mind.....

It's a struggle to even get out of bed every day.....

So much darkness.....

I clench my fist......

I see a deep red, flowing down my arm.....

It's warm.....

I don't want to live like this, but there's so much darkness.....

Where is the light?

The darkness swallows me, and I can't escape......

I expect to feel a sting like every other time I do this, but there's no sting.  Have I become numb?

I look at my arm, there's no deep red.  It's still dripping down the blade though.  Did I hallucinate it all?

I press the blade against my arm as I prepare to do it again, but a hand touches mine....there's blood dripping down it.

I don't understand, why is this other hand bleeding but not my arm?

"You don't have to do this."

"I can't keep living like this!  It hurts so much!  I just want the pain to end!  I need some relief!  This is the only way I'll get any relief, even if it's only for a short time...."

"Rely on me."

I look at the hand dripping with blood and I see the cuts I had made, I actually cut this other arm.  How is that possible?  Why are my cuts on someone else?

"I-I don't understand...."

"You don't need to punish yourself anymore.  I took your punishment for you."

Suddenly, a tear falls from the corner of my eye.

"I can never forgive myself for my sins.....my sins consume me, and I have to pay for all of them."

"Which sin do you have to pay for that I have not already paid for?"

I pause for a moment....

"My birth.  I should've never come into existence.  I'm a curse to everyone around me.  A leech that sucks people dry.  A disease that won't go away."

"If you never should've come into existence, you wouldn't be here.  I would've never made you.  You would've never been a thought that came across my mind at the beginning of existence.  Indeed, from the very beginning of time, you were on my mind."

I look up at their face, and they smile.

"As for your real sins, I've already forgiven and forgotten them.  You don't have to punish yourself any longer."

"This-this is the light that I've been searching for so long.  He's been here all along." I thought to myself.

"You don't have to drown in darkness anymore.  Cry out to me and I will come to your rescue.  I will not let the darkness take you away from me."

I drop the blade.  I can't hold back the tears any longer.  I fall into His arms bawling my eyes out.  I finally have hope.