What You Meant for Evil God Meant for Good

 Genesis 50:20 “As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today.” (ESV)

Story time! If you don’t know the story here, Joseph when he was a teenager was one of twelve sons of Jacob, and one of two from his favorite wife (he had two and some concubines) Rachel. With this being said, he was his father’s favorite son, which means while his other brothers were out working hard in blood, sweat, and tears, Joseph was being educated and spoiled. His mother even made him his famous beautiful coat of many colors. The more favored he became by his father, the more arrogant he became, and the more his other brothers hated him. Joseph also started having strange, prophetic dreams, and he would tell his family these dreams. His brothers would hate him more as some of these dreams foretold of his leadership. One day he went to go check on his brothers; when they saw him from a distance, they plotted to kill him. His oldest brother Reuben refused to do such, so they decided they would sell him into slavery instead. So they mocked him and pushed him around, took his coat, tore it, and threw him in a pit and left him there. They sold him to some slave traders, where he was taken to Egypt. They took his coat, killed an animal and dipped his coat in its blood and gave it to their father saying his son was killed by an animal. Jacob was beyond devastated as his favorite wife was already dead as well. Joseph got to Egypt and one of the Pharaoh’s officials, Potiphar, took Joseph as his slave. He took quite a liking to Joseph and really admired and respected his hard working attitude and wanting to please his God. However, Potiphar’s wife took a liking to him for other reasons as well. Joseph was very handsome. One day while Joseph was working, Potiphar’s wife tried to seduce him. “Come sleep with me!” Joseph refused, “you are my master’s wife, I cannot do such!” She persisted and then grabbed his clothes, in which he fled - literally fled. She knew this did not look good for her, so she framed him. She screamed and cried crocodile tears and accused him of trying to rape her. Potiphar was furious and believed her instantly and threw Joseph in prison unjustly. Joseph was stuck in prison for a long time. Then he met two other prisoner, the pharaoh’s cup holder and his baker. He overheard them talking about their dreams and he mentioned God could help him interpret their dreams. So first the cup holder tells of his dream, and Joseph reveals the pharaoh will pardon him and put him back in his position and favor in three days. The baker excitedly from hearing his positive interpretation asks for his, and Joseph sadly gives him his; in three days the pharaoh will have him executed. Just as Joseph interpreted the dreams correctly, they happened exactly. When the cup holder was leaving, Joseph told him to tell the pharaoh his gift and his story how he’s innocent. However, the cup holder forgot, and Joseph was left behind again for more years. Things seemed hopeless, like he would rot in prison unjustly. Then the pharaoh was plagued with dreams, and the cup holder remembered Joseph. The pharaoh called for Joseph to interpret his dreams, and with humility, Joseph gave God the credit and interpreted them. There would be several good years of harvest, then several years of terrible famine. Then he advised pharaoh how to handle this. The pharaoh was so impressed, he released Joseph from prison and put him not just in any leadership position, but second only to him. He was in charge of taking care of things so Egypt would survive the several years of famine. In that time Joseph got married and had a couple sons. When the famines came, it not only affected Egypt, it affected Canaan as well, Joseph’s home country. His brothers went to Egypt to get food. When he saw his brothers, he was overcome with emotions, how could he not be? All of the trauma this poor man experienced, all started because of their jealousy of him. They did not recognize him, and he did some tests with them, and then framed his younger brother Benjamin by sneaking one of his cups in the bag with food. Benjamin was caught and accused of stealing. Joseph said as punishment he would keep him and make him a slave. The brothers begged him to let Benjamin go and make them his slaves because if their father lost the last son of his favorite wife, it would kill him. They also said they felt remorse for what they did to their brother Joseph. Joseph once again was overcome with emotions and eventually revealed he was their brother whom they had sold into slavery. He told them what they had meant for evil towards him, God meant for good, and was going to use that to save many people - including them and their families, which he did! 

This is truly a beautiful picture of how God uses even our worst circumstances in our lives, where odds are stacked against us and people turn their backs on us and betray us. They may even try to kill us. God uses all of those circumstances. Those circumstances not only will help build us in character and holiness, but also help others who are watching. You have an important story to tell, and people need to hear it, no matter how difficult out it may be. Even if people attack you for your story, the Lord will use it all for His glory, for your good, and for the good of others. Do not lose heart in how dark your circumstances appear in the current moment, or how dim the future seems or how grim the past was. As Jesus also said “take heart for I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33) in the midst of the darkness in the shadows, trust the Lord and allow Him to give you strength. Keep fighting the good fight! Your story is worth listening to! Allow God the grace to use it for good!

A Letter To My Future Husband

 To my future husband,

Life is not always easy, as I have learned many times the hard way. I have had to learn many difficult lessons in life, and though they were painful to go through, I don’t regret them because they gave me the gift of wisdom. Right now I am going through a period of a lot of growth in my life. For the first time, I am on my own. I have been enjoying my alone time, though, it does get lonely at times. There are times it would be nice to have a companion with me. I know right now, I am not ready for any intimate relationships. I still have more growth needed done, as well as healing. I want to make sure that whenever you and I are together, I am my best self - for you and me. I don’t know if we know each other yet or not, but I do know you’re out there. I don’t even know if you’re reading this. I have come a long ways, but I still have a ways to go before I’m ready. I know when the time comes though, we both will be ready. It won’t be rushed, it won’t be forced, and it will definitely be something that God has guided us in. I know He is preparing both of us. So many guys see me as just as a body - either just to get off on or they’re repulsed by me. I know you will be different though. I mean, it’s not like you’re not going to notice my body at all, you are human after all (and a guy for that matter). However, the thing you’ll be attracted to the most with me, is my heart. You’ll see my heart for God first. You’ll see that Jesus is my first love, and He is who I serve, who I obey, who I love above anyone and anything else. Next, you’ll see my love for others, my love to help and serve people. My heart especially for those who are broken and hurting. I know looking at me, I’m not the “prettiest” girl out there. I don’t look like these fake models out there. I have scars and stretch marks and other imperfections. However, I know when you look at me, you will see me through God’s eyes. You’ll see my heart, and my inner beauty will make the rest of me radiate in your eyes. What was other men’s trash will be your treasure. What other men rejected, you’ll practically crave. Things won’t be picture perfect though with us, because no relationship is. Every relationship takes work, especially the ones that are worth it. Yes, we will have great times together. We’ll pull pranks on each other, go to the gym together, travel together, go to the park together, go to concerts together, watch movies together, go to the beach or the lake together, read together, go for walks together, maybe other things like write music together, or maybe do martial arts together, maybe you’re a total nerd like me and we’ll go to anime conventions and cosplay together! We’ll do Bible studies together, maybe we’ll even cook together. I’d like to one day conquer my fear of cage diving with great white sharks and we could do that together! There are many great things we’ll do together, and we’ll have a lifetime to do them together. I’ll cook your favorite meals for you every day, keep our home clean, make you lunch for work, I’ll be your biggest ally and support. I’ll take care of you when you don’t feel well. We’ll have lots of cuddle time, hehe. I’ll be there to comfort you when you’re down, and to celebrate with you in your accomplishments. We’ll go to church together, go shopping together, play games together (if you’re into that). It’ll be nice to go to bed with you next to me every night. You’ll be the last thing I see every night, and maybe I’ll hear your cute little snores at night, lol. Then in the morning you’ll be the first thing I see, messy bed head and morning breath and everything lol. I’ll try to get up before you though, so I can make sure your coffee and breakfast is ready when you’re up, because I get feeling like the dead first thing lol! We’ll have kids, and we’ll raise our kids to love the Lord and want to serve Him too. This world is a scary place to live in right now, but we’ll raise our children in truth, reading the Bible to them and praying with them every night before they go to bed and every morning before school, so they will start their day and end their day hearing God’s truth. If you’re a nerd like me, we’ll probably raise our kids like nerds too, like into anime and Lord of the Rings and stuff. Maybe we’ll teach them martial arts too, that way if they get bullied they can defend themselves or any other kids being bullied. Maybe you and I will even do ministry together, that would be awesome! However, we’ll go through difficulties too. We’ll go through times where we argue over stuff, some small, stupid things we’ll easily makeup over later, other things that are bigger and will take time to recover. Sometimes we’ll need to give each other space, though I hope never the silent treatment. Sometimes, no matter how much we may love each other, sparks will fly and our tempers will be let loose, and we’ll feel bad afterwards. As long as we come to each other though and ask for forgiveness and forgive though, then I know we’ll be okay. No matter what, we must ALWAYS put Christ first. It’s that cheesy triangle example. If Christ is the top corner, as long as we keep moving towards Him, we’ll move towards each other. One of the lessons I had to learn from my previous marriage is that when you and I are married, for me to remain holy and to honor you and most of all God, I will have to be more careful with who I’m friends with. I can’t leave room for anyone who could compete with you for my affection or my attention. Only two people can have my heart, you and Jesus. If anyone else has my heart, I will have to remove them from my life. Even if it hurts for a time, I know in the end it’s best, because I want to honor you and God, and my love for you and the Lord triumphs over any joy I may get from other relationships. I’ve learned many lessons and am learning still. I look forward to the day when I will be ready for you, and you will be ready for me. We will share our goals and dreams together, and as scary as it is, we’ll be completely vulnerable with each other. I look forward to sharing our lives together one day and growing together. Know that I am waiting for you and preparing myself for you. I love you, forever and ever!

Love always,

Your future bride

Unrealistic Standards of Beauty

 I’m gonna go on a bit of a tangent. I’m so tired of society’s unrealistic standards of beauty - and EVERYONE in some way has been effected by it. I’ve seen how guys ogle at girls who are teeny tiny (like the model in the second pic) and say “that’s the ideal woman!” But most women don’t look like that - nor CAN they even look like that! We are all built differently. Some girls are curvier than others. There is no “ideal” body. We were all created exactly as we were supposed to be. It is a flaw in OUR character and to think otherwise. A curvy girl is just as beautiful as a thin girl. It’s the same with men though. Women will look at men with abs and think “I’ve gotta have that!” If the guy is super thin though, she won’t even look at him. Although, it seems “dad bod” is in for a lot of women these days. Anyway, my point is, the standard of beauty all around has become ridiculously unrealistic. We judge everyone based on whether they LOOK a certain way. Whether she’s got a tiny waist or he’s got a six pack. She’s got at least a D-Cup size bra or he’s got nice pecs. Whether they’ve got a nice trunk in the back or whatever. Some even go as far to say “no one above this weight/height!” People don’t take in consideration of health. For an example, I’m 5’6”. A healthy weight for my height is around 150. At one point, I was considered underweight, I was 139 lbs, yet I was still called by other kids around me fat because I didn’t have this tiny waist or flat stomach like other girls. What’s worse I have body dysmorphic disorder so already every time I looked in the mirror I felt like I was looking at a monster. Even when you take my views of myself out though, kids thought I was fat, even though I was underweight because from an early age we are brought up to think of what the “ideal” person looks like. We are trained to think this way. Instead of considering every individual is created differently, just as every person’s fingerprint is different, no person’s body is built the same. We are not like animals where you take a dog to a dog show and they say “the perfect height, weight, fur length, fur texture, fur color, eye color, eye shape, body shape, tail shape, tail length, ear shape, ear length will make the perfect dog for this breed!” We are human beings! We are ALL created in the very image of God! We should treat each other as such. What arrogance do we have to say “this image-bearer of God is not the ideal image of beauty to me!” Shame on all of us who have done that, because we have all done it at some point. True beauty comes from within, and then it radiates like the sun! We should promote health for all bodies. That doesn’t mean if you personally want to work for that six pack you shouldn’t, or any other kind of fitness. Make sure however to set REALISTIC goals for yourself though. As for others, look at their hearts, that’s where their true beauty lies.

The Day I Died

 The day I died

The day I died my heart bled oceans.

I took a bottle of pills and thought “never again will I feel this pain again!”

Feeling alone and forgotten by everyone I held dear to me, feeling as if God Himself forgot me too.

The day I died I laid in bed with my pillow drenched in my tears.

All I had consumed that day were white, chalky pills, which I had vomited some on the floor next to my bed.

I just wanted the pain to end....I just wanted to go home to where I really belonged...

The day I died I said goodbye and decided enough was enough.

Before I could have the chance to fall asleep, I was taken to the hospital.

I started choking on my vomit, so I was intubated.

The day I died, there was no one there to comfort me, no one there to hold my hand and tell me everything was going to be okay or that I was even loved.

I had no one but the doctor, nurses, and sitters to keep me company. All had abandoned me.

Hooked up to tubes and wires, no way a person is supposed to live like that....

The day I died I started wishing I had never said goodbye to anyone.

If I hadn’t said goodbye to anyone, I would’ve fallen into eternal sleep, never to feel that deep pain ever again.

How I hated once again I could not go into that eternal sleep!

I left the hospital, but my mind was gone and my heart was cold like ice.

Life was meaningless, life was worthless, and there is no more good or light in this world.

God was dead, and so was I.

The light in my eyes was gone, nothing but an empty shell of a person was left.

“Where are you God? If you’re there where the hell are you? You promised to always be there! You promised to never crush a bruised reed! You promised to defend the innocent! Where the hell are you?! Do you even hear my cries?! Do you even see my tears?! Where are you when the shadows of the night torment me?! Where are you when I fall out of bed at night from the terrors of night?! Where are you when flashes of my traumatic life come back in my wake and sleep?! Where are you when people falsely accuse me of wicked things?! Where the hell are you?! Because damn it if you’re there it feels like I’m all alone!”

The next morning someone sends me a long list of verses to read.

I’m hesitant, but I proceed.

I drop my phone.

Every verse is how God comes to our rescue.

God heard me. He heard my cries. He saw my tears. He saw my deep anguish and suffering. I knew then I was not alone, and never will be.

Little by little, life started returning to my dead bones, my rotting carcass.

Light began returning to my eyes.

My icy heart melted, with one made of soft flesh and warmth underneath. Though this heart is scarred, it still keeps beating a song for Christ.

God was not dead after all, and neither was I.

The day I came back to life, I was a new person.

Filled with love for God, determined to serve Him until everything in me was spent.

Determined to help others confused and suffering to find His light.

The day I came back to life, I realized He is the sun, and I am but a small moon that reflects his light in a dark world.

Life has meaning, life has purpose, and that is to bring glory to Him!

My life, which was filled with so much darkness, is filled with His light to share with the world!

The day I came back to life, joy returned to me.

A fire was lit inside me like never before.

Never again will I turn to the darkness again, I will be consumed by His light!

The day I died, I drowned in the ocean of my bleeding heart.

The day I lived, I drowned in the ocean of His blood and great mercy.

Codependency

 What is codependency?  Well, if you’re an addict, you most likely struggle with some form of codependency. If you grew up in a home where a parent was an addict or neglectful, you probably struggle with some codependency. If you’ve had to be a caretaker to a spouse, you’re probably codependent (notice I said caretaker and not caregiver). When the term originally came out in the 80s, it was attached to those who care for addicts. Now it is attached to a number of people. It is a very common, but deadly disease. That’s right, I called it deadly and a disease. Why? It destroys.

I struggle with codependency for a number of reasons. Codependency usually is something females struggle with because males usually learn independence from an earlier age. It often arises in children who depend on their parents, but for whatever reason, their parents were not their to provide the need. In some way that child was neglected. With that being said, the child learns to depend more on others for validation and becomes a people pleaser. The child was invalidated growing up by those they should’ve been validated by the most, so the child looks elsewhere. Codependent behavior is a learned behavior to help cope. Since it is learned, it can also be unlearned. It doesn’t become unlearned overnight though (wouldn’t that be nice if it were?). I’m going through a book on Audible right now called “Codependency No More.” It’s really good so far. I have struggled with codependency most of my life, only to worsen as I get older; with self fulfilling prophecies. “This person is going to leave me!” So I cling to them tighter until they suffocate and leave. “See? I knew they’d leave!” Codependency kills all types of relationships, as well as the self identity. You lose sight of your identity, what makes you, YOU; only to become who you perceive is what the other person wants you to be.

How do we beat codependency? I’m not sure it ever fully goes away, but like physical diseases, I believe it can be managed. I’m still learning, it’s still a struggle, however I think I’m getting better. For an example, I got married at 19 based on codependency. Now that I’m in the process of getting divorced, I’m enjoying single life for now. Sure it gets lonely, and sometimes that codependency creeps back in. I miss companionship, especially when I’m struggling with ptsd episodes alone. I hate I have to use my vape to cope, but it’s temporary until I can get some kind of animal to help me or go through trauma therapy (which I found out my current therapist possibly does so I will ask her about that this week). I figure I can’t be happy with another person if I’m not happy with myself first. I want to be my best self before I’m with someone else. So before I even think about getting in a relationship, I want to get better control of this codependency first. When I can be my true self around people, and accept myself for who I am - flaws and everything, I’ll be ready!

I’ve met people who are more codependent than I am, which to be honest I didn’t know was possible. Some people with codependency will physically get sick if particular people don’t talk to them for even one day! Luckily I haven’t gotten that bad yet. I may feel a bit sad, but I don’t physically get sick at least!

I think to get better control of codependency one of the key things is to see your value in Christ. You have to realize your identity and value doesn’t come from other people, it comes from Christ! Who He sees you as, who He made you to be, that is who you are! Not what man thinks of you! Jesus values you so much that He died the most painful death for you. When people jeered and mocked Him, saying “if you’re the Son of God, come down from the cross!” You know why He didn’t get down from the cross? You were on His mind. “I’m doing this for (insert name).” He could have gotten down, but He chose not to for you. Do you realize how powerful that is? You are so precious to Him that he was tortured and died for you! When I think about that, I think “who cares what people think of me! The God of the universe sees me as something so valuable and precious that He’d do that for me? Forget man!” That’s why even though I’d like to be with someone one day, I’m okay if I’m single. My value doesn’t come from being with someone, it comes from God! If God can see me as so valuable (more valuable than rubies), I must be something precious!

I notice the more I start to become comfortable with myself, the more confident (healthy confidence not arrogance) I become and I even want to take better care of myself for the right reasons. I don’t want to lose weight so a guy will like me, I want to lose weight so my body will be healthy and I live a longer life! Your value is in Christ and luckily, He sees you as very valuable. He doesn’t care how expensive the clothes you wear are, what your body looks like, what your hair looks like, if you talk more mature or how smart you are or how much money you make. None of that matters to Him. The heart is what matters to Him. Remember, despite how anyone else sees you, the King of Kings sees you as precious in His eyes! So who cares what man thinks of you? God bless!

Goals for 2021

Here’s a goal I have: after I’ve been a pretty good driver for a few years (and have a decent job), I’m thinking about getting a motorcycle 🏍 I’ve always really liked them so while I’m still somewhat young, why the heck not 😛 besides, I’m a leather jacket, leather pants type of girl anyway, so it’ll just give me an excuse to wear that stuff lol 😂 I’m not sure what kind of car I’ll drive, I guess whatever is affordable. I do like trucks though so maybe a pickup truck 🛻 or maybe a jeep eventually, I’ve always really liked Jeep Wranglers since I was a kid! It’s gonna be difficult to find a truck that’s got decent gas mileage on it though I think because I think often times they’re gas guzzlers (Hummers anyone?). I do like Hummers, but maybe if I were living on a ranch (which is a dream of mine, I want to rescue farm animals :) ) or something. I’ve got so many dreams I want to accomplish. Like I want to conquer some of my fears (cage diving with great white sharks, mountain climbing, etc - no skydiving for me though lol). I’m trying to train for running but it’s taking a toll on my body already. My arthritis and fasciitis has been really painful lately which has limited my working out. I’ve been walking about 18,000-21,000 steps a day so that’s good. I’m still working on coping with ptsd, I honestly probably need some trauma-based therapy which scares the hell outa me. My insurance doesn’t usually cover that though so until I’ve got a decent paying job I’m kinda stuck :/ for now I cope with a CBD vape (I use strawberry watermelon flavor which tastes like candy lol, next I’m gonna try mint mango). I find when I use it early enough during a ptsd episode, it helps a lot. So here’s my plan so far:

1) get a job

2) start drivers ed online (I’m signed up for this)

3) get two Guinea Pigs for emotional support animals so I don’t have to use my vape quite as often

4) work on paying for divorce

5) start paying for WiFi

6) save up for a new iPhone (I’m using a used 6s and the battery is terrible and eventually I’m gonna need a new phone), I’m thinking maybe getting an iPhone X

7) start paying for Amazon Prime again

8) start paying for Boxy Charm (makeup) monthly

9) continue getting healthier and losing weight (another 60 pounds for the next year!)

10) find a one bedroom apartment because it’s difficult to afford a two bedroom on my own (unless I find a roommate)

11) study Kierkegaard and some of the mystics in the Catholic Church

12) find an organization that does service dogs for non-military PTSD and start that process

13) go back to school (I haven’t decided what school yet, I had thought I wanted to go to cosmetology school, but I’ve changed my mind lol. I want to eventually go to seminary because I want to eventually work on helping people get out of the occult or prevent Christians from getting involved in it. It is infiltrating the Church and the Church does not address this enough!)

14) practice my bass guitar more

Once I start driving, I think my parents will probably help me with getting a car, if not:

1) get a car

2) find a church to call home

3) find a spiritual advisor

3) start taking salsa dance classes

4) start taking martial arts classes (always wanted to learn plus self defense is good for a woman in the Atlanta area)

5) start looking at property in Texas, I haven’t decided what part yet (except I’ve been told not Austin because there’s a lot of liberals there lol)

Things Aren’t As They Appear

 This is a different topic than I would normally write. Things are not always as they appear. I got on the scale this morning after not having weighed myself in a week and I gained a few pounds! I was quite upset about this at first because I’m trying to get healthier and lose weight. Then I looked in the mirror and I thought, “that’s odd, I look thinner, I feel thinner, even my calves are getting slimmer!” I remembered that muscle weighs more than fat does. I’ve been exercising a lot, and having a lot of protein. My eating for the most part has gotten much healthier and like yesterday I walked more than 21,000 steps! Surely I should’ve lost weight instead of gained! However, muscle weighs more than fat (if you’re working on losing weight, remember that the scale lies). I started to think how true this is in other aspects of life too. Things appear one way, when they’re really another way. As the saying goes “you can’t judge a book by its cover.” There’s always two sides of each coin. Often times people are lazy and will only get one perception on something. They get one point of view and then make a judgement on the situation from there. This is foolish, dare I even say wrong? If there is an argument between two parties and you only hear one side, you are going to judge the other party harshly and most likely incorrectly. This has happened so many times with me. People want to judge me based on what they’ve heard than what they know; they would prefer to assume the worst about me. If you’re going through that, don’t be afraid, you’re in good company! Look at the Saints! Look at the prophets! Look at the Apostles! Look at Jesus Himself! People were quick to judge them not based on things they knew, but based on things they heard or thought. If you are being persecuted, don’t fret, you’re not alone! Stay pure and continue to follow our great God! He will guide you and He knows what’s true even if others do not. I know it hurts, believe me, I’m in the same boat. But we can take great comfort that even if the world villainizes us, Christ knows the truth and one day, even if we have to wait until the next life, the truth will come out; and everyone who judged you wrongly will be weeping and ashamed of how they treated you, asking you for forgiveness. Then you can look them in the eyes, smile, and tell them you forgive them and embrace them. Lean on Christ to give you the strength and courage you need right now, He understands!