Anyway, I had a dr in TN that told my husband and my mom to just let me cut - that it's part of having BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and I'll eventually grow out of it. I was cutting more and more frequently and there wasn't anything anyone could really do to stop me. It got to the point where I was cutting AT LEAST three times a week. At that point I realized I needed to do something to quit. I was running out of room on my arms and started considering cutting my legs. I wanted to quit, but I couldn't stop - not on my own that is.
We moved to GA to live closer to my parents about two years ago because my parents wanted to keep an eye on me since I was so suicidal. I tried really hard to quit cutting. The longest I went was 11 months. I was thinking if I went a year without cutting, I could possibly write a free ebook on how to quit cutting. I'd want it to be a free resource so anyone who was struggling with it, wouldn't have to worry about money being an issue. When I cut after 11 months though, it was really disappointing. Then last year I went 8 months - but then gave into cutting again. I've never been good with conflict, nor having good coping skills. I started thinking I should just give up trying to get better. What's the point if I'm just going to keep going back to it?
Last August I checked out a CR at my parents church. I realized while I was there that I had another problem - codependency. I realized "This is why I depend so much on pleasing other people! This is why I put too much value in my relationships! This is why I'm often a doormat!" I allow people to use me and abuse me because I'm so afraid of losing them. So I just take it until I can't anymore - which is when I turn to cutting (or binge-eating). It was a good group, but then I found out the church my husband and I go to had a CR there as well; so I started going to that one instead.
Since starting going to the CR at our church, I've made friends, have a couple of accountability partners, and even a sponsor now too!
I've had some pretty close calls. Seems like no matter how hard I try to get better, something sucker punches me in the face. There have been times I nearly cut, and other times I nearly hung myself. There have been a lot of things that have triggered me (I hate using that word because it's so misused now. Kids will say "I'm triggered" if they lose at a game. This is NOT what I mean though). The last few months have been pretty dark for me. If you've been reading my blog, you can probably tell I had hit some dark times. We all have them, and some days are darker than others. Every time I was about to hurt myself though, I was always thwarted. I think it was God thwarting me honestly. At one point I really was going to hang myself. I had everything ready to do it - but as soon as I was about to put the noose around my neck, I started to bawl my eyes out. I kept thinking about my husband, and how he'd feel if he found me that way. Obviously, I didn't go through with it since I'm still here. Anyway, I'm getting off the topic now.
Yes, I've had some pretty dark times where I nearly gave in. This past Monday even I nearly cut. I had vomited my meds which means I had no anti-psychotic meds in my system. For the rest of the day I couldn't get out of my head. I can tell within hours that I don't have my meds in my system. If you take medications, TAKE THEM! I'll be the first to tell you, I hate pills - but man, I hate being stuck in my head even more than popping pills. Anyway, I was dealing with a lot of stuff Monday and I nearly gave in. I didn't want to give in - especially since it was the day before getting my six month chip! I've worked hard to get that and I don't want to start all over again! I talked with some people to help me, and to those I talked with, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for dealing with my "psychotic" side and helping me get through the day - y'all are awesome!
I managed to make it to CR yesterday without cutting and got my 6 month chip! It was so exciting and rewarding to get it 😀 I'll tell you what though, I couldn't have gotten it on my own. As weak as I am? Nope, on my own strength I'd've (I made up a word there) failed. God helped me A LOT, and he also placed people in my life who've helped me along the way as well. Last night I got an encouraging email from one of my heroes too - telling me that he's proud of me and to keep going 😊 In six months, I have come a long ways. Have I had my struggles and setbacks? Definitely. But I'm not going to let them tear me down. I've come too far now to give up! In six more months, I will have gone the longest without cutting in a LONG time - and I am making sure I get that one year gold medallion 😏
By the way, just an update - last week I found out what's been causing my illness. I have two chronic illnesses: IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) and Gastroparesis. I'm not very happy I have chronic illnesses, but I'm glad I at least have some answers now. There is a plus side to having them though - I can't binge-eat. If I binge-eat they get worse. Gastroparesis is basically a paralyzed stomach - it's really difficult to digest food and takes a LONG time to do it. If I eat too much or have certain foods that are harder to digest, then I'm going to end up vomiting. This gets confusing though. Some foods I'm supposed to eat for the IBS, I can't eat because of the Gastroparesis. So then I have to decide, "Which one would I rather deal with? Diarrhea, or vomiting?" Not fun to have to decide which one I'd rather deal with. Luckily, the doctor did say I can have fruits and vegetables - if they're in a smoothie though. I guess it's because they're broken down or something. Anyway, I thought I'd give an update just incase anyone had been wondering.
O LORD, I give my life to you. I trust in you, my God!
Psalm 25:1
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