Yours Again

               "Without you my world is darkness, I won't let go again."



I remember my life without Christ - it was a very dark place to be; a place with no hope and no purpose.  I've been there twice.  I wasn't a believer until I was fourteen years old.  Then I left the faith a few years ago, then came back.  It's a lonely place to be.  When you survive three suicide attempts, you wonder why you're still alive.  "What is my purpose?  Surely there's a reason why I've survived!"

You may be thinking, "I don't follow Jesus and my life is okay.  The purpose in life is to be a good person, live life to the fullest, and make a difference in the world to be remembered for."  Those are good things no doubt, but there is an emptiness without Christ - it's an emptiness I think most people who are broken really feel.  We feel alone and rejected.  We see the darkness in the world that others seem to be blind of.  The world is a cruel place to live in, and we've not only seen it, we've lived it.

When I left the faith a few years back, I felt so empty, alone, and afraid.  See, I knew God was real, I believed Jesus was God, but my life was in such turmoil that I thought he didn't want me anymore.  He was done with me.  That's a very depressing thought.  The God of the universe, the Savior of the world - well, everyone other than me that is (or so I had thought for a long time), wants nothing to do with me anymore.  If he didn't want me anymore, why waste either of our time?  So I left.  My husband was very afraid.  He wasn't sure what I'd do.  I mean, I had morals, but at the same time it's like, "If I'm not following Christ anymore, what am I free to do now?"  When my husband talked to a friend about it, his friend said I wouldn't be gone for long.  He was right - I came back three days later.  You may say, "Three days?  Then you didn't really leave."  Oh no, I did leave.  I told my husband if God really wanted me, he would come for me.  Then again, why would he come for me if he didn't want me anymore?

I was very much afraid - especially at night.  I remember thinking since I left, God would no longer be protecting me from the darkness.  In a sense, I've opened myself up to things I had no desire opening myself up to.  I left the Shepherd, and was at the mercy of the wolves that want to devour me.  I was also afraid of where I'd go since I had basically apostatised.  Apostasy is a pretty big deal - would that mean I'd be going to hell?

Three days later, I had a dream that changed me.  Jesus came to me in a dream and rescued me from the darkness.  He broke my chains that held me captive and embraced me.  Even though I had cursed him in my dream, he still rescued me.  He came for me - just like I told my husband he would if he really wanted me back.  Now, I don't recommend putting God to the test like that.  Jesus did say "Don't put your God to the test" after all.

After having that dream, I have remained in the faith.  I'm not perfect, and I realized this past summer that my foundation had actually been very weak.  Only since this past summer has my foundation in Christ been getting stronger.  I had to destroy the little foundation I had, and put new foundation instead.  Instead of building on sand, I've started building on rock (Matthew 7:24-27).  Do I feel empty at times?  Yes, sometimes that emptiness comes back - but not like before.  Do I feel hopeless at times?  Yes, but not like before.  Put your hope and trust in Jesus, and you won't regret it.

For years I have wondered why I am still here after three suicide attempts, and many close calls where I've basically been thwarted from making other attempts.  What is my purpose for being here?  My dreams I've had growing up are unachievable and now I need new dreams.  The plans I had for my life I can't do, so what do I do now?  Well, recently I think I've started to see what my purpose might be.  I don't know for certain, but I think I may be on the right path to finding it out.

Hold onto Christ and don't let go.  If you have let him go, return to him!  I know what it's like to think, "There's no way he'd ever take me back."  I've been there - the prodigal.  But he wants you to return to him!  Many times in Scripture, God says to return to him from our wicked ways (such as idolatry).  Jesus even made it clear in the story of the prodigal son!  He will RUN to you with open arms - holding you tightly!  If you've left, tell him "I'm yours again!  I'm not letting go again!"