Trust does not come easy for me typically, and once it's broken, it's going to take a REALLY long time to regain it. I'm a very loyal person, and I will walk through fire for you; but if you betray me I won't forget it. That is something I have to work on though.
Anyway, how do we trust God? I mean, we can't see him, we can't hear him, we can't touch him; how can we trust someone who feels like he may not even exist at times? This is something I've really struggled with myself, for a LONG time. I've been really pondering it lately though. So many times my first response is to run away, and if I can't do that I shake my fist, "Why are you doing this to me God? Why are you doing this to he/she/them?"
With my depression and anxiety being so severe lately, I have felt very much alone. I know I'm not alone; I mean, I have my husband, my family, my friends, and most of all God - yet I feel like no one can truly help me with these struggles. I hate to admit this, but last week, I nearly attempted suicide - twice. It's something I'm not proud of. I really thought about it, and at one point I got things ready to do it. Just before I was going to go through with it, I started to cry. I thought about my husband - how would he respond if he saw me like that? My parents who are away at the moment, how would they respond if they heard about it? I just couldn't do it.
It's not easy, but I've been really trying to put my trust in Christ through all of this. I pray, "God, this is all out of my control. You know my pain and anguish, so I'm going to rely on you to take care of me. I'm placing everything in your hands - including my life. Only you can truly rescue me. Whatever your will is through all of this, let your will be done. I will put my trust in you (Psalm 31:14) because you are my God and you are in control."
This is not an easy prayer, but it is one out of desperation. I have to keep relying on God every time I think about things, every time I cry, every time I feel empty or even apathetic. He's going to do whatever he wants whether I like it or not, so I might as well let him right? But I have to realize that whatever happens, it's for my good. A verse my husband often tells me is Romans 8:28:
And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.
Whatever trials we are going through, we need to put our trust in God. He won't abandon us (Hebrews 13:5), and he will be there with us through them. No matter how hopeless things may seem, he will work things for your good. Jesus said, "Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me." (John 14:1)
When Jesus was in the garden about to be arrested, he asked the Father, "Please, let this cup (God's wrath) pass from me! But not my will, your will be done." Jesus was about to go through the most painful thing a person could ever experience. Betrayed, tortured, alone (including being separated from the Father), and ultimately died a brutal death. He wasn't a masochist, he didn't WANT to experience such pain, but he wanted to do what the Father wanted him to do. He trusted the Father to do what was good. He was willing to sacrifice himself for the good of the world.
Your will be done....
Really think about it. Do you trust God enough that you're willing to say, "Even if I don't like the outcome, I will trust you in all this. It's what you want, not what I want." Obviously, none of us are going to do this perfectly. No one can 100% trust God, 100% of the time. He gets that. I know for myself though, this is something I am really working on. What about you? Can you trust him?
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