Stars

We all have things that wear us down.  We all go through storms in our lives.  We all have days like Elijah where we just want to throw our hands up and say "I give up!  I'm better off dead, take me now!"  (1 Kings 19:4)  I can't tell you how many times I've actually prayed that, yet here I am, still here.  I still don't really know why I'm still here.  I've gotten a pretty clear message though that suicide isn't the way to go though.  After surviving three suicide attempts, you get a clear message you're probably here for a reason.  What that reason is, I don't know - maybe it's to help others through my blog.

For a long time, I wouldn't allow myself to cry (especially in front of other people).  I'm quite the hypocrite.  When other people cry, I don't see it as a sign of weakness.  But when I cry, I feel like I'm weak; and when I feel weak, I feel like hurting myself (whether it be by cutting, binge-eating, or suicidal ideations).  I realized in therapy though a few months ago that our emotions will eventually come out.  You can't hold them in forever.  I had always thought when someone blew up from holding them in for too long it would always come out as anger towards people; and while that can be true, it can come out through other ways too.  Usually when it comes out for me, I inflict damage to myself, rather than other people.  I realized I needed to allow myself to feel the emotions, rather than run from them - even if that means crying.  I couldn't cry though, even when I wanted to.  It was as if I had lost a piece of my humanity.  It is normal for people to cry.  Internally, I'd cry, but I physically couldn't.  Over the last two months though - I have started crying, even to the point of having crying spells.  I still tell myself (and my husband) that I don't want to feel these emotions, they're too intense for me to handle; but I have to feel them or I'll lash out either at myself or someone else.  We can only bottle things up for so long, until we can't anymore.  I have yet to find a coping skill that will really help me, and if I find it I'll be sure to let y'all know!

God knows what we go through - the good and bad times.  The peaceful times and the chaotic times.  Sometimes that's a comforting thought, and other times we shake our fists asking, "Why are you doing this to me?"  He is always there for us though.  We just need to go to him.  I know that's easier said than done.  I mean, sometimes it seems like he's not there, or like he doesn't even exist!  What do we do during those times?  Well, we say the same thing a man said to Jesus when he asked Jesus to heal his demon-possessed son.




"I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief!"


Mark 9:24




No matter what storms you are going through, he is there - with you.  He's not going to leave you on your own.  Even if everyone left you - you're friends, you're family - everyone, he will NEVER leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).  You are precious to him and he loves you more than you could ever imagine.  Trust me, this is a new concept for me too.  I mean I always knew he loved everyone, but I never really thought he loved me.  I thought I was just an annoyance to him because that's what I've been for others for so long - but that's not how he sees us.  He LOVES us!  He LOVES you!  I can't tell you just how much he loves us, because honestly, it's more than we could EVER comprehend!  I can tell you this though, if he can love someone like me, he loves you too.  Put your trust in him and his Word.  He will help you get through your storms.