Grace...grace is something
hard to understand. I've been wanting to write something about this,
but every time I'm about to write something on it, something happens and
it's something I really struggle with. Sometimes we struggle with
giving grace to other people. Other times we struggle with giving grace
to ourselves. Grace is complicated. Look around you at the world,
there is so much pain being inflicted. So much abuse and terror. This
world seems to be falling apart. So many broken homes. So much
suffering. Look at all the wars going on around the world, there is not
much grace going on there is there? Of course, war is also a
necessity. You have to defend your country, your freedom, your
citizens, etc. But when you look at the war in the middle east, this
has been going on since Biblical days! When a child is abused for
years, the last thing they want to do is give grace to their abuser(s).
Couples get divorced because there are issues between each other they
can't resolve - no grace. When there is no grace, our hearts are
hardened.
Then you have grace for yourself. Sometimes there are things you've done that you feel are so unforgivable you just can't give yourself grace. You did or said something so awful that continually plagues your mind and the depths of your soul. You think, "There's no way anyone could ever forgive me for this!" No grace. People sometimes take their own lives because of the nagging guilt that torments them - no grace.
We often don't understand grace. For me, I struggle with grace a lot. I have struggled with grace on both sides of the same coin: giving grace to others, and giving myself grace. After all the abuse people did to me, I hated people for a long time and held on to so many grudges. Holding on to all that hatred hardened my heart so much. But the more I let it go, the more I allowed God to help me forgive my abusers (which has taken me a long time), my heart has slowly but surely become less hardened. That doesn't make the pain less though. Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting. I will probably never forget the abuse I went through. Even with my brain injury, I forget many things, but the one thing I wish I could forget torments me still. But it doesn't have the same hold on me as before. By God's grace I have learned to forgive, but it is not easy. I will explain in a little bit how.
There is still an aspect of grace I have a difficult time with though...an aspect I have always struggled with the most...giving grace to myself. I have done so many awful things in my life, I couldn't even list all the things I've done. I told my husband yesterday if you mixed the Apostle Peter and Paul together you'd get me without the sainthood. I'm a buffling buffoon like Peter who often says the wrong things. If you knew all the things I've ever done, you'd wonder "How in the world is God going to use someone like that?" People probably wondered that too with Paul at first. Paul considered himself the chief of sinners, and I often consider myself the same thing.
(Romans 7:15 NLT) I don't really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do what I hate.
This verse applies to me so much. I constantly want to do good, but I am always doing the opposite! How my guilt plagues me. It plagues my thoughts and tears my soul apart. It torments me so much. Then I'll realize God's grace for me and feel his comfort, and I find rest. But as soon as I find rest, I screw up immediately again and I forget the realization of God's grace. I used to punish myself in some way. I would find some way to hurt myself, whether it was cutting, punching myself, burning myself in the shower or any other way I could find. If I didn't punish myself, the guilt and shame would torment me even more.
Grace is so important, giving grace to others and to yourself! Often times people think of God as this vengeful zues-like character just looking to punish people. People look at the Old Testament and only look at how he brought the flood to wipe-out mankind, brought the plagues in Egypt, wiped out entire people like the Caananites, and think that's all God is. God is not just a God of revenge, but also a God of grace. When God brought the flood, it was because of the evil and the violence in people's hearts.
(Genesis 6:5 NLT) The LORD observed the extent of human wickedness on the earth, and he saw everything they thought or imagined was consistently and totally evil.
The things people did and thought "broke his heart" (Genesis 6:6). But even then, as much as it doesn't seem like it, there was still grace. Though the wicked people were wiped out, he didn't wipe out all people: Noah and his family. He gave humanity another chance. God continually throughout the Scriptures gives people chance after chance after chance and they continually blow it!
God used Moses to warn Pharoah time after time again of the plagues that were to come if he didn't let God's people be free from slavery, but the LORD hardened Pharaoh's heart, and just as the LORD had predicted to Moses, Pharaoh refused to listen. (Exodus 9:12 NLT) Ramses would not listen and his heart was hardened by God's warnings. Should God not have gone through with his word? Should he have lied about what he would do if Ramses wouldn't let his people go? No! God is not a liar! But even then, God showed grace. God could've wiped out all of the Egyptians and his people would be free immediately. But he didn't, he gave the Pharoah the chance to let them free. He let the Egyptians live.
Throughout the Scriptures God consistently warns people and they don't listen to him. He has to go through with what he says! He doesn't enjoy doing it. It breaks his heart! So many times in the Scriptures people have frustrated him, but he still showed them grace. He still showed them mercy. Then, God showed his mercy and grace the ultimate way - he became the ultimate sacrifice. He sent his Son, Yeshua (Jesus), who showed so much compassion on people. He healed so many people. The people he hung out with weren't the "perfect" people, he hung out with people like you and me! The people he was with were the people the "good" people considered disgusting and despicable. He wasn't afraid of anyone, he told things how they were. The people who were considered "good" he'd call them out on the things they weren't doing good. The Temple was meant to be a place of prayer to his Father, yet people used it for money. This ticked him off and he overturned tables. People often portray him as this meek and mild guy, but he wasn't meek and mild all the time! There were times he got upset! But he didn't let it take over him. His anger was righteous anger. He'd see his people suffer and it troubled his heart. Then, he was betrayed by one of his best friends! Betrayed and put to death! But even then, he had grace. He never hated anyone. Even those who mocked him, beat him to a pulp, and killed him, he never hated them, he never said a bad thing to them - he loved them. Instead, he asked his Father to forgive them! He was abused, yet he had grace. He didn't just die for those people though, he died for all of us. His grace reaches out to all of us! How can we not give grace to others or even to ourselves, when Christ gives us grace? Was his grace not enough? Was his sacrifice not enough? This is how I was able to forgive my abusers. Just as Christ is able to show me grace and forgive me, I must show my abusers grace and forgive them as well. It was not an instant thing though, and it may take you even longer than it took me. But it is so important to have grace.
Even grace for yourself, which I struggle with so much. It was just last week I said something that I felt so guilty, I wept bitterly for a couple of days over it. I couldn't believe those words came out of my mouth. I thought, "There's no way God could ever forgive me for saying such things. Before when I said them I understand he'd forgive me then because I wasn't following him. But to say them now, while I am a follower of his, there's no way I could be forgiven for them." I struggled with this all week. I started going back to that dark place I used to be that God helped me out of a few months ago. I didn't want to go back there, but it seemed like I couldn't stop heading that direction. I wanted to punish myself again...severely. It took everything in me to not do it, but the torment ate me up inside. You know, the same thing happened to the Apostle Peter as well. Before Jesus was betrayed, he told his disciples he was going to be handed over to the authorities and killed and everyone would abandon him. Peter said, "Even if everyone abandons you, I will NEVER abandon you! I will even face execution with you!" So what happened? While Jesus was at Caiaphas' house on trial, three times Peter denied even KNOWING Jesus! Peter wept bitterly over it. I think Peter had a pretty bad guilt consciounce like me. After Jesus rose from the dead and the apostles were eating breakfast with him on the shore, three times Jesus asked Peter "Do you love me?" Three times Peter answered "Lord, you know I love." This is so powerful and significant. This was Christ showing Peter grace. Peter probably thought after denying Jesus three times that night was unforgivable. Jesus was saying, "Dude, I've already forgiven you." If you struggle with giving yourself grace, Jesus says the same thing to you. Whatever you have done or said or even thought, Christ says, "I've already forgiven you, when I was on the cross I forgave you." Give yourself grace, and give others grace.
Then you have grace for yourself. Sometimes there are things you've done that you feel are so unforgivable you just can't give yourself grace. You did or said something so awful that continually plagues your mind and the depths of your soul. You think, "There's no way anyone could ever forgive me for this!" No grace. People sometimes take their own lives because of the nagging guilt that torments them - no grace.
We often don't understand grace. For me, I struggle with grace a lot. I have struggled with grace on both sides of the same coin: giving grace to others, and giving myself grace. After all the abuse people did to me, I hated people for a long time and held on to so many grudges. Holding on to all that hatred hardened my heart so much. But the more I let it go, the more I allowed God to help me forgive my abusers (which has taken me a long time), my heart has slowly but surely become less hardened. That doesn't make the pain less though. Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting. I will probably never forget the abuse I went through. Even with my brain injury, I forget many things, but the one thing I wish I could forget torments me still. But it doesn't have the same hold on me as before. By God's grace I have learned to forgive, but it is not easy. I will explain in a little bit how.
There is still an aspect of grace I have a difficult time with though...an aspect I have always struggled with the most...giving grace to myself. I have done so many awful things in my life, I couldn't even list all the things I've done. I told my husband yesterday if you mixed the Apostle Peter and Paul together you'd get me without the sainthood. I'm a buffling buffoon like Peter who often says the wrong things. If you knew all the things I've ever done, you'd wonder "How in the world is God going to use someone like that?" People probably wondered that too with Paul at first. Paul considered himself the chief of sinners, and I often consider myself the same thing.
(Romans 7:15 NLT) I don't really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do what I hate.
This verse applies to me so much. I constantly want to do good, but I am always doing the opposite! How my guilt plagues me. It plagues my thoughts and tears my soul apart. It torments me so much. Then I'll realize God's grace for me and feel his comfort, and I find rest. But as soon as I find rest, I screw up immediately again and I forget the realization of God's grace. I used to punish myself in some way. I would find some way to hurt myself, whether it was cutting, punching myself, burning myself in the shower or any other way I could find. If I didn't punish myself, the guilt and shame would torment me even more.
Grace is so important, giving grace to others and to yourself! Often times people think of God as this vengeful zues-like character just looking to punish people. People look at the Old Testament and only look at how he brought the flood to wipe-out mankind, brought the plagues in Egypt, wiped out entire people like the Caananites, and think that's all God is. God is not just a God of revenge, but also a God of grace. When God brought the flood, it was because of the evil and the violence in people's hearts.
(Genesis 6:5 NLT) The LORD observed the extent of human wickedness on the earth, and he saw everything they thought or imagined was consistently and totally evil.
The things people did and thought "broke his heart" (Genesis 6:6). But even then, as much as it doesn't seem like it, there was still grace. Though the wicked people were wiped out, he didn't wipe out all people: Noah and his family. He gave humanity another chance. God continually throughout the Scriptures gives people chance after chance after chance and they continually blow it!
God used Moses to warn Pharoah time after time again of the plagues that were to come if he didn't let God's people be free from slavery, but the LORD hardened Pharaoh's heart, and just as the LORD had predicted to Moses, Pharaoh refused to listen. (Exodus 9:12 NLT) Ramses would not listen and his heart was hardened by God's warnings. Should God not have gone through with his word? Should he have lied about what he would do if Ramses wouldn't let his people go? No! God is not a liar! But even then, God showed grace. God could've wiped out all of the Egyptians and his people would be free immediately. But he didn't, he gave the Pharoah the chance to let them free. He let the Egyptians live.
Throughout the Scriptures God consistently warns people and they don't listen to him. He has to go through with what he says! He doesn't enjoy doing it. It breaks his heart! So many times in the Scriptures people have frustrated him, but he still showed them grace. He still showed them mercy. Then, God showed his mercy and grace the ultimate way - he became the ultimate sacrifice. He sent his Son, Yeshua (Jesus), who showed so much compassion on people. He healed so many people. The people he hung out with weren't the "perfect" people, he hung out with people like you and me! The people he was with were the people the "good" people considered disgusting and despicable. He wasn't afraid of anyone, he told things how they were. The people who were considered "good" he'd call them out on the things they weren't doing good. The Temple was meant to be a place of prayer to his Father, yet people used it for money. This ticked him off and he overturned tables. People often portray him as this meek and mild guy, but he wasn't meek and mild all the time! There were times he got upset! But he didn't let it take over him. His anger was righteous anger. He'd see his people suffer and it troubled his heart. Then, he was betrayed by one of his best friends! Betrayed and put to death! But even then, he had grace. He never hated anyone. Even those who mocked him, beat him to a pulp, and killed him, he never hated them, he never said a bad thing to them - he loved them. Instead, he asked his Father to forgive them! He was abused, yet he had grace. He didn't just die for those people though, he died for all of us. His grace reaches out to all of us! How can we not give grace to others or even to ourselves, when Christ gives us grace? Was his grace not enough? Was his sacrifice not enough? This is how I was able to forgive my abusers. Just as Christ is able to show me grace and forgive me, I must show my abusers grace and forgive them as well. It was not an instant thing though, and it may take you even longer than it took me. But it is so important to have grace.
Even grace for yourself, which I struggle with so much. It was just last week I said something that I felt so guilty, I wept bitterly for a couple of days over it. I couldn't believe those words came out of my mouth. I thought, "There's no way God could ever forgive me for saying such things. Before when I said them I understand he'd forgive me then because I wasn't following him. But to say them now, while I am a follower of his, there's no way I could be forgiven for them." I struggled with this all week. I started going back to that dark place I used to be that God helped me out of a few months ago. I didn't want to go back there, but it seemed like I couldn't stop heading that direction. I wanted to punish myself again...severely. It took everything in me to not do it, but the torment ate me up inside. You know, the same thing happened to the Apostle Peter as well. Before Jesus was betrayed, he told his disciples he was going to be handed over to the authorities and killed and everyone would abandon him. Peter said, "Even if everyone abandons you, I will NEVER abandon you! I will even face execution with you!" So what happened? While Jesus was at Caiaphas' house on trial, three times Peter denied even KNOWING Jesus! Peter wept bitterly over it. I think Peter had a pretty bad guilt consciounce like me. After Jesus rose from the dead and the apostles were eating breakfast with him on the shore, three times Jesus asked Peter "Do you love me?" Three times Peter answered "Lord, you know I love." This is so powerful and significant. This was Christ showing Peter grace. Peter probably thought after denying Jesus three times that night was unforgivable. Jesus was saying, "Dude, I've already forgiven you." If you struggle with giving yourself grace, Jesus says the same thing to you. Whatever you have done or said or even thought, Christ says, "I've already forgiven you, when I was on the cross I forgave you." Give yourself grace, and give others grace.
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