Crawling In the Dark

I've been listening to "Crawling in the Dark" by Hoobastank.

I will dedicate
And sacrifice my everything for just a second's worth
Of how my story's ending
And I wish I could know if the directions that I take
And all the choices that I make won't end up all for nothing
Show me what it's for
Make me understand it
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer
Is there something more than what i've been handed?
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer
Help me carry on
Assure me it's ok to use my heart and not my eyes
To navigate the darkness
Will the ending be ever coming suddenly?
Will I ever get to see the ending to my story?
Show me what it's for
Make me understand it
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer
Is there something more than what i've been handed?
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer
So when and how will I know?
How much further do I have to go?
How much longer until I finally know?
Because I'm looking and I just can't see what's in front of me
In front of me
Show me what it's for
Make me understand it
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer
Is there something more than what i've been handed?
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer 

 

 

Here's how the song relates to me.  I put a lot into relationships.  If you're my friend, I'll do anything for you.  I'll crawl through fire for you.  I'm very loyal.  So I sacrifice myself a lot for my relationships, including my health.  This can actually be a very bad thing for me.  When I took DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) a few months ago, one of the things I learned was you have objectives, relationships, and self-respect.  I always placed relationships first and self-respect last.  This is not healthy.  Self-respect should go before relationships.  I wish I could know all the time and energy I spend on relationships though were not wasted. 

I use my heart a lot, my feelings, and this also is not a good thing.  When something bad happens I throw logic right out the window and I listen to my feelings.  Feelings lie and they overreact.  Feelings can make you think some people care about you when they really don't.  Feelings can blow up situations out of proportion.  Sometimes I wish I didn't have a heart and was purely logical, a Spock if you will, but even Spock had a heart so not quite like Spock I guess.  I'm always hoping my ending will come soon.  I know this isn't good, but that's how it is for me right now.

How much more suffering do I have to go through?  How much longer do I have to put up with myself?  I ask these questions a lot.  It seems like the answer is always, "You have to keep going" as much as I hate that answer.  People can't put up with me, why do I have to put up with myself?  "You have to keep going."  It's frustrating.

"I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answers."  This is very common terminology for someone who is depressed.  You feel like there's darkness all around you.  There's no light anywhere.  The truth is though if you look for the light hard enough, you will find it, even if it seems dim for a while.  God is that light.  He's guiding you through the darkness, even if that light seems dim and far away.  It's actually closer than you think and brighter than any other light.  Sometimes that light can be blinding and overwhelms you.  I've been there.  It changes you.  The darkness suddenly doesn't seem so dark anymore.  You can feel God's presence and you are filled with peace and joy.  It doesn't happen often for people who struggle with depression, but it does happen.  You just need to hold onto it and don't let anyone or anything steal it away from you.  It's very difficult to get back.  I'm trying to get it back, I have hope though as long as God wants me to keep living, it'll come back some day.