The Day I Died

 The day I died

The day I died my heart bled oceans.

I took a bottle of pills and thought “never again will I feel this pain again!”

Feeling alone and forgotten by everyone I held dear to me, feeling as if God Himself forgot me too.

The day I died I laid in bed with my pillow drenched in my tears.

All I had consumed that day were white, chalky pills, which I had vomited some on the floor next to my bed.

I just wanted the pain to end....I just wanted to go home to where I really belonged...

The day I died I said goodbye and decided enough was enough.

Before I could have the chance to fall asleep, I was taken to the hospital.

I started choking on my vomit, so I was intubated.

The day I died, there was no one there to comfort me, no one there to hold my hand and tell me everything was going to be okay or that I was even loved.

I had no one but the doctor, nurses, and sitters to keep me company. All had abandoned me.

Hooked up to tubes and wires, no way a person is supposed to live like that....

The day I died I started wishing I had never said goodbye to anyone.

If I hadn’t said goodbye to anyone, I would’ve fallen into eternal sleep, never to feel that deep pain ever again.

How I hated once again I could not go into that eternal sleep!

I left the hospital, but my mind was gone and my heart was cold like ice.

Life was meaningless, life was worthless, and there is no more good or light in this world.

God was dead, and so was I.

The light in my eyes was gone, nothing but an empty shell of a person was left.

“Where are you God? If you’re there where the hell are you? You promised to always be there! You promised to never crush a bruised reed! You promised to defend the innocent! Where the hell are you?! Do you even hear my cries?! Do you even see my tears?! Where are you when the shadows of the night torment me?! Where are you when I fall out of bed at night from the terrors of night?! Where are you when flashes of my traumatic life come back in my wake and sleep?! Where are you when people falsely accuse me of wicked things?! Where the hell are you?! Because damn it if you’re there it feels like I’m all alone!”

The next morning someone sends me a long list of verses to read.

I’m hesitant, but I proceed.

I drop my phone.

Every verse is how God comes to our rescue.

God heard me. He heard my cries. He saw my tears. He saw my deep anguish and suffering. I knew then I was not alone, and never will be.

Little by little, life started returning to my dead bones, my rotting carcass.

Light began returning to my eyes.

My icy heart melted, with one made of soft flesh and warmth underneath. Though this heart is scarred, it still keeps beating a song for Christ.

God was not dead after all, and neither was I.

The day I came back to life, I was a new person.

Filled with love for God, determined to serve Him until everything in me was spent.

Determined to help others confused and suffering to find His light.

The day I came back to life, I realized He is the sun, and I am but a small moon that reflects his light in a dark world.

Life has meaning, life has purpose, and that is to bring glory to Him!

My life, which was filled with so much darkness, is filled with His light to share with the world!

The day I came back to life, joy returned to me.

A fire was lit inside me like never before.

Never again will I turn to the darkness again, I will be consumed by His light!

The day I died, I drowned in the ocean of my bleeding heart.

The day I lived, I drowned in the ocean of His blood and great mercy.