I’ve spent much of my life fighting alone. Growing up I got bullied a lot and no one defended me. I had some friends, but they typically didn’t last very long for me. It’s also really difficult for me to trust people because of abuse and abandonment. When I start to trust and get close to someone, I push them away or I test them. I crave intimacy and closeness with people, but I often fear it. It terrifies me because I’ve been hurt so many times. I’m so used to being alone though, even when I’m surrounded by a lot of people, that I don’t really know how to do life with people. The battles life throws at us, I’m so used to fighting them by myself that I don’t know how to let people in. How do I let people in? I’m trying really hard to allow people (well, some people, I’m trying to be very selective with who I let in my bubble) to be there for me. I honestly hate being alone. I’m trying to trust a select few. While I need to trust more, I need to make sure I’m trustworthy too. I need to not let my fears overtake me. Life is full of hurt. Sure I can keep everyone at a distance and stay safe, but is that really living? Is trusting no one really living? Let me answer that for you:
It’s not living.
We need people to do life with. We don’t need a lot of people. If you have only a few people in your corner, you are richer than most people in the world. Cherish those relationships, and never take them for granted. Don’t ever cease thanking them for being there for you.
To those who have been there for me, who have endured with me, thank you. I will work hard at not only allowing you in and trusting you, but I will also work on being someone you can rely on and trust too. Thank you for everything, you are worth the risk of me being hurt.
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