One Year

I know I haven't written in a few months.  My dog Nessie passed away February 1st this year.  Honestly, it was one of the hardest days for me.  There have been a few times since then I almost cut.  I wanted to numb the pain of losing her, among other things going on as well.  Just last week even my husband had to take a salad slicer blade away from me because I was going to use that to cut.  When Nessie died, I told myself that instead of cutting because of her death, she was going to be my inspiration to get my nine month chip.  It was difficult, but I made it.  When I got that chip, I wrote her name on it so it would always be a reminder that she helped me get that chip.  That was in February.

 Last night, May 27, 2019, I got my one year sobriety chip for not cutting!  I didn't think I would make it honestly.  I self-sabotage so often, especially when I've made any progress in anything, but with the support of friends, family, and Christ's grace, I made it!  This is the longest I've gone without cutting in years!

 I started cutting when I was 16 - on Valentine's Day.  I cut for three days and then when my mom found out; I was put in the hospital.  I didn't really cut after that until after I got married.  Shortly after I was diagnosed with PTSD, around Thanksgiving of 2010, I had a close friend who had been like an older brother to me.  In high school we talked all the time.  I really trusted him.  He was the first person I told I had Autism when I was diagnosed with it.  After I got married though, he stopped talking to me.  I didn't understand why.  He didn't even want to come to my wedding.  I finally asked him why he wasn't talking to me anymore and he answered, "I don't care about this relationship anymore" and blocked me.  I have not spoken to him since.  I was so devastated by his abandonment, that I started cutting again.  It was off and on after that.  Then a little while after moving to Tennessee, I met a minister.  He was like a father figure to me.  I really trusted him too.  Things got really bad between us though.  He started to emotionally abuse me.  I started cutting more during that.  I had two suicide attempts in the same year during that as well.  My cutting got more and more frequent.  It got to the point where I was cutting at least three to four times a week - some times more.  My family and husband got really worried about me and we talked to my psychiatrist at the time about it.  He told them to just let me cut and eventually I'd grow out of it.  I'd be cutting and there was nothing they could do about it.  I wanted to stop, I knew it wasn't good, but I didn't really have good coping skills (I'm still learning).

  The thing about cutting is when my emotions get really intense, cutting numbs me - instantly.  The sting from the blade cutting my skin, the blood dripping, somehow it soothed me.  Medically-speaking, cutting releases endorphins.  After I cut, I emotionally don't feel anything.  I feel numb.  When your emotions so often get really intense, it can feel good to not feel anything.  This isn't healthy though.  I remember talking to a therapist about it and she said, "You won't find any healthy coping skills that numb you like that."  It's disappointing for sure.  There are risks to cutting though.  You can get infections, and if you do it a certain way, you can possibly kill yourself (I know how to not kill myself doing it though). 

Anyway, a couple years ago, after we moved to Georgia, we started going to a Celebrate Recovery program at our church at the time.  I even got a sponsor.  I started going mainly to work on my cutting.  While there though, I realized I had other problems too (such as codependency).  The longest I've gone without CR was 11 months.  Then when I started going to CR, I went 8 months.  Then a year ago, we were involved in a major car accident.  That was extremely frightening for me.  We had been t-boned on my side of the car by an SUV.  The fire department had to cut my door off to get me out of the car.  I really thought I was going to die.  There was glass everywhere and I couldn't breathe.  I thought maybe some glass had stabbed me or something.  For a little while, I wasn't suicidal after that because I figured if God really wanted me to die, I would've died in that accident.  The suicidal feelings did come back though and I've struggled with them daily since.

 When the eight month chip came back around, I was scared because I thought, "I blew it right after I got my eight month chip last time, what if it happens again?"  I was determined to not let that happen again though, and I had a lot of support to help me along the way too.  The closer I got to my one year mark, the more excited yet more anxious I got.  Like I said, I have a tendency to self-sabotage.  Then the day finally came.  I stopped by at a friend from church's house.  She's a professional with hair and makeup and she said she would do my hair and makeup for my one year chip.  She asked me what I wanted and for my hair and I showed her a picture online.  For my makeup I wanted something similar she had done on herself on Facebook.  She did an EXCELLENT job with my hair and makeup.  When she showed me when she finished, I nearly cried.  I felt like I looked like a model!  I even felt like I had that "airbrushed" look!  None of my imperfections were showing.  For once in a really long time, I felt like I looked beautiful.

 After that, I was on my way to CR and when I got there, I was so relieved because I had finally done it.  I made it a year!  People couldn't even recognize me!  One friend came to CR early from her vacation just so she could be there for me when I got my chip!  My dad came too!  My mom wanted to be there, but couldn't because she had to travel out of state for a funeral.  When I got that chip in my hand, I felt like I had made a huge victory.  I got nervous when I went up to get it, but when I went back to my seat, for once, I was really proud of myself.  I could tell my dad was proud of me too, and that was a really good feeling too.  My next chip will be 18 months sober, and if God could help me get to one year, surely He can help me get to 18 months too! 

I'll be writing two more blogs after this that I know of.  Oh yes, another reason why I haven't written in a while is because we recently moved!  We're still in the same city, but different apartment complex.  We are still in the middle of unpacking.  Once everything has been unpacked, it will be easier to work on writing more again.  God bless!