Laziness and Depression

I've been accused of being lazy many times by people and it's  frustrating.  I'm really not lazy (well, maybe a little lazy at times).  If you've been following my blog, you know I struggle with a lot of different mental illnesses, depression being one of them.  When my mental illnesses are acting up, they can be very crippling - to the point it's nearly impossible for me to get out of bed.  I'd rather just sleep my problems away and hope that I won't wake up one of these days.  It takes everything I have to just get out of bed every morning.  It takes everything I have to do just about anything.  Sometimes it's so bad I can't even eat (I have to force myself to even do that).  I'd rather not have to face my demons every day.  I'd rather just lay in bed and pretend that nothing matters.  I'd rather just numb everything.  It hurts - a lot; and when I get accused of being lazy when I am putting so much effort in just surviving, that just adds salt on the wound.  My mind is a VERY dark place to be.  I don't think most people could last even five minutes in my mind.  Lucky for them, they don't have to. Unfortunately, I live there 24/7.

Depression is a beast, and sometimes it seems impossible to beat.  Some people are able to with medications.  For other people it's temporary.  For some of us though, it's constant, and medication doesn't always work.  For me, I can't take antidepressants - they make my depression worse and I become even more suicidal.  So what do I do?  I go through A LOT of therapy and support groups.  Sometimes they help, other times I feel stuck.  Like I'm in this pit and I can't get out.  Like I'm drowning in darkness and despair, and I can't breathe.  I just want it to be over.  I just want it all to be over....

I'm not lazy, I'm heavily depressed.  It takes everything I have to not do anything drastic.  It often hurts to even just breathe.  Sometimes I can't do things most people can do, not because I'm lazy, but because I literally cannot make myself do them.  I spend so much energy trying to fight my demons that I have none left for anything else.  I'm nearly 28 years old and you know how exhausting it can be to fight?  I went to bed at 8:30 last night!  I may be an early bird when it comes to going to bed but not THAT early!  I am fighting a battle that often feels like a losing one.  Every day I go on living is a victory.  Every time I get out of bed is a victory.  If you can't see that, I don't know what to tell you.

If you struggle with depression and people think you're lazy, you're not alone.  They just don't understand what we go through.  Keep getting out of bed when you can.  Keep fighting those demons.  Keep living.  Don't give up.  No matter how difficult the battle is, no matter how much it hurts, keep going.