New Perspective on Life

It's been an interesting week.  My medications still aren't working and my suicidalness has been getting worse.  Over the weekend, I wanted to jump out of the car and off a bridge or  into a semi.  I even thought about drowning myself in the bathtub or in the swimming pool.  Monday, I ended up cutting myself after almost nine months being sober from it.  It's a bit of a bummer I won't be able to get that nine month chip next week, but as they say I've gotta just "keep coming back" to Celebrate Recovery.

Yesterday, I saw a therapist which helped some.  Afterwards, my husband and I were heading to Wal Mart.  We had to make a left turn and our light was a caution one (excuse my poor grammar, it's 5 am and I've hardly had any sleep).  He thought the driver in the other lane was letting us go, so he proceeded to make the left turn.  He didn't see the truck in the lane next to it though.  I saw the truck as we were turning though.  It all happened in slow motion from my perspective, until we were hit.  We were t-boned and  the impact was on my side of the vehicle.  There was broken glass everywhere, including all over me.  My knee had actually made an indent in the glove compartment.  I felt like I had blood on my knees.  The airbags went off and as the car settled, I couldn't breathe and I was sorta out of it.  I thought maybe I had been stabbed in the chest by glass because I was in so much pain and I couldn't breathe.  I couldn't really move either.  I thought I was going to die.  When the impact happened, I was at peace.  Afterwards though, I was sorta scared about dying.  I was worried about my husband.  I was afraid if I died, he would never forgive himself.  I wanted to go to sleep but I kept telling myself in my head, "Don't go to sleep."  I didn't know how bad my injuries were.  I was worried about my husband's back though; he has scoliosis and has a steel rod in his back.  He managed to be able to get out of the car and walk around a bit.  My door was jammed though.  The fire department had to cut my door off the car to get me out.  Our car key broke too, so we couldn't turn the car off.  I had to have help getting out of the car.  It hurt just to breathe.  The EMT helped me walk to the ambulance and my husband was there waiting for me.  As I got out of the car, I saw I wasn't bleeding.  I had some cuts, but no blood.  They put me on a stretcher and into the ambulance.  My husband was laying on the bench next to me.  I think they were concerned about his back too because they had to strap him down to make sure he didn't move on the ride to the hospital.  I saw how bad our car looked (it was a Honda Civic) and I knew, we were lucky our injuries weren't as bad as they could've been.  I also knew that if I hadn't had my seatbelt on, I most likely would've died because I would've been catapulted out of the car.  Glass was all over in the car and outside.  It was in my hair, on my clothes, even in my shoes and socks!  I usually wear sandals (it's nearly summer atm), but I chose to wear sneakers.  If I had worn sandals, my feet would've been a lot worse off.  While they were cutting the door off on my side of the car, I actually found myself thanking God that I hadn't died, weird since I've been so suicidal right? There had been smoke coming out of our car, and I was afraid the car was going to explode or something.  I've never been in a big accident before, so I wasn't really sure what to expect.

As we were heading to the hospital in the ambulance, I called both my husband and my parents and let them know what happened.  I told my mom which hospital we were heading to.  My husband kept talking and talking and I was trying to process everything (and I was still a bit out of it).  I wanted to tell him to just shut up for a minute, lol.  I knew it was how he was trying to process things though, so I let him talk.

We get to the hospital and they tell us that we have to be in separate rooms.  I knew my husband wasn't happy about that, especially since he was so worried about me.  They get me in the bed and as they were helping me dress in the hospital gown, they asked if I had the welts on my right side before - I hadn't had them before.  My breathing, though it still hurt, was beginning to get a little better.  I was glad they didn't have to give me an IV (I hate those things).  They did some x-rays.  They checked my right foot, my right knee, and my chest.  Everything came back as normal - no broken bones, though I did have soft-tissue injuries.  There was glass still in my hair, the dr found some in my back, and in my knee.  They weren't big pieces though, just small shards.  My husband kept having nurses come check on me.  They said I was going to have some pretty bad bruising, but other than that, I was well enough to be discharged.  I couldn't really walk still though, so they put me in a wheelchair.  They rolled me off into my husband's room.  He had been okay too, though they kept him a little longer than me because they were worried about his ribs.  I was relieved his back was okay.  His knee was skinned up more than mine though - his knee actually did bleed.  When I got in his room, he started crying.  He was afraid of what could've happened to me.  I kept trying to reassure him that I was still there though.  He kept apologizing and I told him I wasn't upset with him.  The dr said for the next few days we're going to feel like we have the flu (I think because of the achy-ness).

We were discharged, and I had to be wheeled off to my mom's car; my husband walked to it though (slowly).  While we were in the car, my mom took us to Subway to get some sandwiches (I needed to take my psych meds as soon as possible and I need food in order to take them).  It was difficult getting in and out of her car.  I also noticed I had a little anxiety in the car, especially when we'd make left turns.  It wasn't a panic or anything, but it was just a little bit of anxiety.  We got home and our apartment is on the third floor.  I was not thrilled to have to climb up the steps.  We managed to be able to get up to our apartment though without needing any help.  The first thing I did was see Shiro (our cat) and I was thankful he wasn't in the car.  Then I went to get a quick shower to get all the glass out.  There was still glass in my shoes and socks.  My purse strap had ripped off too so I'm going to have to get a new one.  The shower actually didn't hurt as bad as I thought it would.  I had to have some help getting dressed though.  Moving my knee and bending over hurts a lot.  The left side of my chest is pretty much completely blue and purple.  My breathing was much better too, though it still hurt to breathe.  My stomach started to hurt too.  I had really bad nausea after the accident, but the nausea was getting better.  My mom came back after picking up our prescription (some pain meds), some ice packs, and a few groceries.  She helped us put some laundry in the dryer too.  My mom was a lot of help and we're grateful for that.

When we had gotten to the hospital, I had posted on Facebook that we had been t-boned and were in the hospital, but we were okay.  I got a lot of comments and text messages that people were praying for us and they were checking if we were okay.  It really touched me that people were worried about us.  We were lucky our injuries weren't worse considering how bad off our car was.  I'll tell you what though, my husband and I like Honda's now for sure!

It's been a rough night; been waking up just about every hour (both of us).  We've been in a lot of pain and have a really hard time getting comfortable.  I normally lay on my side because it's easier to sleep that way when you're as heavy as I am, but I've been having to lay on my back because both sides hurt.  I bit my tongue in two places in the accident.  I had lost some feeling in those places but I did get the feeling back for the most part - they hurt though lol.  We're going to have to get a new car though; our car was totaled.

After the accident, I'm actually thankful I survived, and with very minor injuries.  Sure it hurts to breathe and walk, and even just laying down, but it's better than what could've happened.  We were blessed to not be worse off than we are.  I actually haven't had any nightmares, though I think that's because I haven't really had any deep sleep either.  I keep seeing that truck about to hit us though over and over again.  It was as if it were in slow motion, but once we were hit everything happened so quickly.  I was surprised our glasses hadn't broken either.  I was also glad that the other two people in the truck were okay (though they were injured too.  I don't know much beyond that though because they were taken to a different hospital).  Legally, it was our fault, so we have a ticket and a court hearing sometime shortly after my birthday in a couple months.

I think I have a new perspective on life (or at least, at the moment I do).  Life really is precious, and I've always believed that, but now, maybe mine is too.  I easily could've died or at least been seriously injured, but I wasn't.  I guess God really was looking out for us.  My brain is a bit frazzled.  I'm having a difficult time remembering things (though I remember the accident VERY well).  Again, it could've been much worse.

Thank you everyone who were checking on us and praying for us.  It's much appreciated.