I'm desperate for relief. The pain torments me day and night. My chest hurts from my heart aching so much. I flood my pillow with my tears daily. Everything with me is so extreme and out of control - my moods, my emotions, my depression, and my paranoia. I weep every day in fear that I will lose everyone I care so deeply about - that I will be completely alone. Others who I have cared for, and I had thought cared about me, turned their backs on me. Who is to say those who care about me now won't do the same? I don't know how much more I can take of all of this. I'm beyond my breaking point, and I wonder if I'll ever recover. Even if I get the right medications and the right dosages, will I ever be restored? Or will I just be numb - an empty shell just getting by in life. Will there ever be life in my eyes? Will I always be surrounded by darkness, or will I ever be surrounded in light?
I will put my trust in you though, O LORD. On my own strength, I am doomed for failure. In my weakness though, you are strong. If this is my cross to bear, then so be it. With you, I will continue to fight this war; and with you, I know I will be victorious. The enemy may try to wear me down, but I will not give in to him. He is nothing but a small flea compared to your great and amazing power. Your grace will sustain me. My pain will only be for a moment, compared to the great joy I will have with you for eternity some day - but that day will not come by my own hands. I may cry tears of sorrow now, but some day I will cry tears of joy when I see you face to face. I may be surrounded by darkness now, but some day I will be bathed in your light. By your grace and mercy, I will make it through this.
No matter what pain or sorrow I have, I will not leave you - not again. I was a fool to have left you in the past; to think you did not want me anymore. But you showed me I was wrong, and you love me more than I could ever imagine. Therefore, no matter what I go through, I will give you glory through it all. I will praise your name no matter what I'm going through or how I'm feeling. May you be glorified in my suffering and in my healing. I thank you for the people in my life, whether they be here with me forever or for a short while. You have blessed me with much, even though I have so little to give. So much of me has been stolen away by those who have abused me - but you still love me for who I am, and you take what I have left to give. I give you all that is left of me. Take and use what you will. You use who the world considers foolish to bring you glory. May you also, use me to bring you glory. I'm completely broken now, but I know one day, I will be whole again. Until then, may my life be a living sacrifice to you. If my suffering can bring even one person into your kingdom, then it has all been worth it. To you be all the glory. Amen.
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