I'm Sorry

I don't typically write this late.  In fact, I'm usually winding down, getting ready for bed at this time.  While I was taking a shower tonight, I really felt like God was laying something on my heart, and I wanted to write it tonight so I wouldn't forget in the morning.

To all the people I have said unkind words to, especially over the past few years, I want to apologize.  I am not using this as an excuse, but I want to tell you.  One of my weaknesses is that I'm a VERY impressionable person.  I have a very difficult time thinking for myself (though my blog is mostly of my own thoughts).  I hate making my own decisions.  If there's an option for someone to make a decision for me instead, it gives me great relief because then it's not completely my fault for whatever consequences there are.

There is a reason why I tend to stay away from political posts on Facebook now.  It would constantly get me into trouble - trouble that I wasn't and still really can't handle.  I'm not a debater, so most of my posts on Facebook politically-wise, were stuff that I had been told, and believed.  I tend to believe everything people tell me - another weakness I have.  A few years ago, I made a lot of posts on why I believed homosexuality was wrong - but I fear I did not say them with kindness - and I regret that.

I want to make something clear.  I do believe homosexuality is wrong.  I can give you my reasons, but that may be for a future blog (if I haven't written on it already).  I don't hate homosexuals.  Let me repeat that. I do NOT hate homosexuals.  I love them just as much as anyone else.  But I also know a couple years ago, my words and my tone did not convey love.  I want to speak the truth, but I also want to speak it in love - not condemnation.  I was influenced by someone who was really into politics, and their approach wasn't the most loving.  Since I am very impressionable, I followed the same way.  I loved homosexuals then, but it did not appear that way.  With this, I am deeply sorry.

There was another person I'm thinking of in particular.  They were a believer, but he did a lot of cross-dressing.  He really liked me, and seemed comfortable talking with me.  I wasn't sure what to think though.  He would act like he was "one of the girls."  He'd say things like "Let's have girl talk."  I honestly had no idea what to think of this person.  I had talked to a couple people about it, and they had both said this person wasn't someone I was healthy enough to talk to.  One of the people who told me this though, was the one who was influencing me with politics again.  They told me to be really blunt.  I was afraid though, because the way they were telling me to do it was not like me.  I followed what they said though.  I really hurt the guy, and I felt horrible.  I have felt terrible about it ever since, but tried to just push it aside because there's nothing I can do about it now.  So to this particular person, I'm sorry I was not kind to you.

Growing up I was severely bullied, and I realize now, that a couple years ago, in a sense I became a bully myself.  That is a very hard pill to swallow.  I always wanted to be someone who would protect those who couldn't protect themselves.  Instead, I became the attacker instead of the defender.  I am very, very sorry.  I have learned my lesson, and want to speak in love instead of condemnation.  If I condemn others, then I will be condemned as well.  I think of the passage in Scripture (which I have talked about before in a previous blog) about the adulterous woman.  The Pharisees brought her out to Jesus with stones and tried to trap him.  They said "In Moses' law we are to stone this adulterous woman.  What would you say we do?"  He began to write something in the dirt.  They got impatient and told him to say something.  He got up and said, "Whoever is without sin, cast the first stone."  He knelt back down writing in the dirt.  Starting from the oldest to the youngest, they began to leave.  They knew they were not perfect with God.  Every. Single. Pharisee, Left.  Only the woman and Jesus were left.  Jesus asked her "Where are your accusers?  Have not one of them stayed?"
"No sir." the woman answered.  Jesus replied, "Then neither do I.  Go and sin no more."

I don't want to be like the Pharisees.  How can I condemn someone when I have enough things to be condemned for myself?  If Jesus doesn't condemn me, then I shouldn't condemn people either.  If Jesus loves me, I should love others as well.

I am not perfect - far from it!  I want to show Jesus' love to everyone, but I know I will never do this perfectly.  I pray that you will judge him based on WHO he is and WHAT he says, instead of what a faulty person such as myself says or does.  He loves you more than you could ever know.