Things Aren’t As They Appear

 This is a different topic than I would normally write. Things are not always as they appear. I got on the scale this morning after not having weighed myself in a week and I gained a few pounds! I was quite upset about this at first because I’m trying to get healthier and lose weight. Then I looked in the mirror and I thought, “that’s odd, I look thinner, I feel thinner, even my calves are getting slimmer!” I remembered that muscle weighs more than fat does. I’ve been exercising a lot, and having a lot of protein. My eating for the most part has gotten much healthier and like yesterday I walked more than 21,000 steps! Surely I should’ve lost weight instead of gained! However, muscle weighs more than fat (if you’re working on losing weight, remember that the scale lies). I started to think how true this is in other aspects of life too. Things appear one way, when they’re really another way. As the saying goes “you can’t judge a book by its cover.” There’s always two sides of each coin. Often times people are lazy and will only get one perception on something. They get one point of view and then make a judgement on the situation from there. This is foolish, dare I even say wrong? If there is an argument between two parties and you only hear one side, you are going to judge the other party harshly and most likely incorrectly. This has happened so many times with me. People want to judge me based on what they’ve heard than what they know; they would prefer to assume the worst about me. If you’re going through that, don’t be afraid, you’re in good company! Look at the Saints! Look at the prophets! Look at the Apostles! Look at Jesus Himself! People were quick to judge them not based on things they knew, but based on things they heard or thought. If you are being persecuted, don’t fret, you’re not alone! Stay pure and continue to follow our great God! He will guide you and He knows what’s true even if others do not. I know it hurts, believe me, I’m in the same boat. But we can take great comfort that even if the world villainizes us, Christ knows the truth and one day, even if we have to wait until the next life, the truth will come out; and everyone who judged you wrongly will be weeping and ashamed of how they treated you, asking you for forgiveness. Then you can look them in the eyes, smile, and tell them you forgive them and embrace them. Lean on Christ to give you the strength and courage you need right now, He understands!

Valley of Slaughter

 “And they have filled this place with the blood of innocent children. They have built pagan shrines to Baal, and there they burn their sons as sacrifices to Baal. I have never commanded such a horrible deed; it never even crossed my mind to command such a thing! So beware, for the time coming, says the LORD, when this garbage dump will no longer be called Topheth or the valley of Ben-Hinnin, but the Vallet of Slaughter.”

- Jeremiah 19:4-6 (NLT)

What can we learn from this passage? Child sacrifices were being performed to the pagan god Baal in Israel. God was absolutely against this from the very start!

Today, we still perform child sacrifices, right here in the great USA. It’s not underground necessarily. It’s in shrines labeled “Planned Parenthood Women’s Centers” disguised as healthcare that actually cares about planning for families. Children are sacrificed to the god named Convenience. It’s not convenient to have kids right? We have the freaking American dream to fulfill first! We have our want to be irresponsible first with zero consequences! Why should we have consequences for our reckless behaviors? As soon as you take the pants off willingly you are saying at that moment “I’m ready if the time comes to be a parent!” But no, you’d rather sacrifice to the god of convenience - sacrificing not only your child, but your very soul! These “Christians” who say “God isn’t against abortion” speak blasphemy and are false teachers and unless they repent of this will burn in the lake of fire along with other false teachers and false prophets for teaching disgusting doctrine! If the US doesn’t repent of this horrible slaughtering we’ve done to innocent children we will pay dearly for it. No doubt about that. God is gracious yes, but He is also just and we can’t use ignorance as an excuse! There is no excuse and no saving us - a Valley of Slaughter unless we repent of this!

Now if you have had an abortion or taught this disgusting doctrine and are repentant of it, then do not fear, we serve a God who is gracious and forgiving! Turn from your sin and sin no more! That is what Jesus said to the woman caught in adultery. If you repent Christ Himself will wrap His arms around you and one day those children you sent to be slaughtered like lambs will hold you in paradise.  You will never have to feel the painful shame every time you hear a child’s laugh or a baby’s cry.  If we continue to sacrifice our children and teach false doctrine though, then God have mercy on us all!

What Does it Mean to be a Demisexual?

 Funny you should ask! Let me give a little backstory on my end first.

I started struggling with porn at ten years old, and most of the porn I watched was lesbian porn. I became a Christian at 14 and turned away from porn. I grew up thinking I was “straight” even though I would fantasize about being with guys and girls. I would find other people attractive, I had crushes like other people (Hugh Jackman and Jason Momoa anyone?). Though when it came to dating relationships, they were unsatisfying. The guys I wanted to be with either didn’t want me or were taken already. So I mostly dated just for the sake of not being alone. The guys I really wanted to be with, we’re guys I was already close friends with at the time. I remember even as a kid when I’d imagine marrying someone, I always hoped he would be my best friend first. Other than my porn issues, most of my fantasies were not sexual in nature, but cheesy romantic stuff. I would imagine cuddling on the couch watching a movie with a blanket on us. Or one of my cheesiest ones is facing my fears of cage diving with great white sharks (I love sharks but it doesn’t mean I wanna swim with them!). We’re in the cage together and we see these beautiful creatures swimming around us, and I say “wow, God sure is amazing!” And he says looking towards me, “Yea, He sure is!” I’m a total cheese ball!  Anyway, I always thought my general disinterest in sex was because of childhood sexual trauma, and the rare times my sex drive is painfully high is due to my previous porn addiction (11 years clean). In high school, I started to realize I was interested in some of my female friends. So I thought, maybe I was bisexual (again, I blamed the porn for that). I never dated any girls though because I knew God was against me doing so. It was tempting though. My sexuality seemed to be fluid, sometimes I was more heterosexual and other times I leaned more towards homosexual. This really concerned me after I got married. There was one girl I was close friends with and she was one of the most gorgeous girls I’ve ever known! We went to church together at the time. We were very close friends. She looked like she could be a Playboy Bunny honestly. Things got intense though. I remember we were getting ready one time for her bachelorette party. Her and two other girls started changing in her room while the guys were downstairs. I started freaking out. There was this primal beast in me that wanted to just let my flesh take over. I wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible, but I couldn’t because if I opened the door the guys would see them changing. So I just faced the door and was praying, begging God to help me, to get me out of there before I did something I’d regret. It happened another time with just her and me in her room. I begged God to get me out of there. God was faithful and helped me. It got so bad though, that I started to avoid her at church. I would be friendly if she approached me, but I tried to avoid her for a while and went to special therapy for it. It seems every time I’ve had a real sexual attraction to someone or was even “in love with someone,” they were always people I had a strong emotional connection with. If I didn’t have that strong emotional bond with them already, I wasn’t really interested.

So what does this mean? Think of sexuality as a door (this is how it was described to me). Heterosexuality would be a push door, you are pushing away the same sex to open up for the opposite sex. Homosexuality is a pull door, you are pulling towards you the same sex. Bisexuality is a double door, you can go either way. Pan sexuality is a revolving door, you can go ANY way. A sexuality is a wall, you’re generally not interested period. So what is demisexuality? Demisexuality is a subcategory of asexuality, it’s kinda a gray area. If you use the door example, demisexuals are a locked door. We’ve basically locked the door and thrown the key into the abyss of the sea. Someone has to find the key! It takes a really special kind of person to unlock that door. Even if someone finds the key, it doesn’t mean they’ll be able to open the door, but once someone is able to open the door, that love is really powerful. You know you are loved for beyond your looks, your brains, your personality, whatever. You are loved for YOU. As you are. Not who you once were. Not who you could be. Who you are now.

This explains why I’ve always wanted to be with close friends. Even if initially I wasn’t attracted to them, the closer I got to them I wanted to be with them. This also explains why I struggled to be with my husband sexually. I never felt connected with him emotionally. That’s not to say neither of us tried, it just wasn’t there sadly. This will make dating very difficult for me in the future. Today, most people would rather go on Tinder and hookup or date random strangers than best friends. That’s okay though, I’m in no rush to date again right now. I’m enjoying single life and taking care of myself. Getting to know myself better. After all, how can I be comfortable with another person if I’m not comfortable with myself first? For now, it’s just Jesus and me, and if it’s like that for the rest of my life, that’s okay too. He’s gonna love me better than anyone else ever will. Of course, this makes it difficult for me to have close friends too. I suppose when I do find someone some day, I will need to be more careful, and limit my interactions with close friends, and place really good boundaries with them to limit temptations. Realizing I’m a demisexual answered a lot of questions for me about myself....why I am the way I am with certain things. For now, my focus is on Christ, my first love. I suppose in time, He will bring the right person in my life, who knows. I used to think it was cheesy and stupid to say “I’m dating Jesus” and kinda irreverent. That’s what nuns and monks do though no? Date Jesus? I could be wrong. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being demisexual necessarily, it’s just be attracted to the emotional bond after all. However I suppose depending who that bond is with it could be challenging or even “wrong.” For example, after I get divorced, it’s not wrong for me to date a man I have strong emotional bond with. However, if I were to date a woman I have a strong emotional bond with, it would be wrong. Or if the man was married, that would be wrong. If we’re both single though, I don’t think there’s a problem there. It could be really nice! We already have established boundaries, already know each others strengths and weaknesses, yet love each other anyway! Have similar goals in life, similar dreams in life, similar passions in life, and both have a fire burning in our souls and hearts for Christ!Could be pretty amazing 😉. Anyway, that’s what I’ve got for you on demisexuality. I hope this helps! God bless!

 

Return to My First Love

 Hi, I’m sorta single....or in the process of it again. I’m 30 years old and married at 19. I married for all the wrong reasons.....things have not worked out and I have been separated since August and am in the process of getting divorced. I’ve learned a lot about myself in all this. For one thing, I found out I’m demisexual, which means I’m sexually attracted to those I have a strong emotional bond with. My husband and I did not have this. I never felt connected to him. I honestly felt forced into the marriage, however that’s another story.

I became a Christian at 14, and over the years I’ve dealt with a lot of traumas. I had a fire for God before I started college, after I started college and I started dating this manipulative and abusive guy (the guy before my husband), my fire started to dwindle. Over time that fire dwindled more and more....and I kept wanting it to come back.....but it was fading more.....I’ve struggled with my faith for many years.....with the trials of life tossing me in the sea back and forth violently. Life has not been kind to me. However, I’m grateful for my trials. They shape me into a stronger person, and I know somewhere out there, there is someone who will love me. Someone who will respect me. Someone we can serve the kingdom of God together. Now that I’m single again, that fire has returned and I’m so happy about it! I want to serve God with my life until everything in me is spent. Some day I will find someone who will want to do that with me.....we will fight the forces of darkness together, we’ll be Bonnie and Clyde but for the kingdom of Light! I still have my struggles, however God continues to bless me and strengthen me. My confidence doesn’t come from who I’m with, but in Christ. He values me more than anyone ever could, and He is my first love. My loneliness caused me to lose sight of my first love.....but I’ve returned to Him :) that’s my story anyway ^_^

PTSD the Monster

 PTSD.....the monster not in your closet or under the bed

PTSD......it's the monster that dwells in your head

I can't remember what it's like to not have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  I've had it for so long, I don't remember what a life without trauma is like.  I was diagnosed with it a decade ago, but I've definitely had it longer than that.  With a history of childhood bullying, sexual abuse, and then some, it takes a toll on a person.  When that continues as an adult, with people gaslighting you, abusing you, neglecting you, manipulating you, abandoning you, it effects you in ways you can't imagine.

I thought I was finally starting to heal....slowly healing.....all the heavy baggage I had been carrying alone for so many years was finally starting to unload.....then....it happens.....the rug is pulled beneath me......I'm swallowed by the darkness and devoured by loneliness, depression, and trauma.  Like you're on a plane flying high in the sky only to have that plane explode in midair and you're free falling in the sky just waiting to crash into the ground flat like a pancake....then when you crash every bone has been pulverized....yet your heart is still beating.....you haven't physically died somehow....but everything inside you has died.....everything in you has been destroyed...... You can't get up on your own because your bones are dust.  Yet even though you're back on the ground, you still hear the explosion, you still feel yourself free falling in the sky.  Even when you're taken to the hospital and fixed up, you can still see the explosion like its happening.  You can't escape it.  You relive it awake and in your sleep.  There's no escape......and no one can help you because they weren't there with you when it happened.  People may say you're overreacting or it's even your fault when it's not.  It's an internal fight you have to fight alone.  So how do you heal?  You don't.  Instead, you learn to cope and you learn to survive.  Your life will never be the same as before the plane explosion.  You will never be that person again.  That person died.  A new person was born from the ashes.  As hard as it is though, you keep going, you keep living.  It's okay to have your weak moments.  It's okay to cry or freak out.  What isn't okay is to end your life or someone else's.  No, you must live!  Live!  Show those who destroyed you or don't understand that you're better than them and keep moving forward!  Yet at the same time, do your best to not harden your heart in it.  I know it's tempting to.....how I've wanted to harden my heart and have come close to it, yet even now I still can't.  That's the best revenge.  To not let them win!  Not let them harden your heart!  Not let them kill your very soul, even if they killed your spirit!  No matter what, don't let them win, keep going!  You can do this!  You will never be who you once were, no, you will be stronger, like the phoenix that died in the ashes, rise above it!

Human beings

 Human beings, they're disgusting, pitiful creatures.  Willing to destroy others with no regards to what their actions do to them.  Killing the very spirit that drives them to live, and will do it with a smile on their faces.  Stabbing people they claim to care about behind their backs.  Animals will kill for survival, but humans, will kill for pleasure or the sake of self righteousness.  Humans will kill worse because they don't just destroy peoples bodies, they kill their very spirits.  Its disgusting....

However, human beings are also resilient.  Able to rise from the ashes like no other creature.  Rise from the very depths of hell and come out stronger than ever, and even after such betrayal, has the capacity to not return evil for evil, but give love to those who previously destroyed them.  There is a strength in human beings, and I dont mean physical strength, that seems almost supernatural....

Human beings, pitiful and disgusting creatures, while at the same time are strong and beautiful creatures....

Consider It Joy

 Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy.

James 1:2

What does it mean to have joy during trials?

My life has been full of suffering, and stress has been so bad lately that in two weeks I've lost about 10 lbs.  My health is declining.  I've had severe heart palpitations for nearly the past week.  I had to go to the ER a couple nights ago because of severe pain that they couldn't figure out what the cause of it was.  I spend many days having crying spells.  So how do I count it all as joy?  How do we count our suffering as joy?

You look at the lives of the saints, and many of them went through intense suffering, even tortured and killed for Christ.  You look at the life of St Paul and he went through severe suffering.  When he wrote the book of Philippians, he was in a filthy prison.  Yet he wrote:

Always be full of joy in the Lord, I say it again - rejoice!  Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do.  Remember, the Lord is coming soon.  Don't worry about anything; instead pray about everything.  Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done.  Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand.  His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:4-7

My dear brother or sister, I don't know what you may be going through who's reading this.  I would never undermine whatever suffering you may be going through.  Yet, through suffering, we learn, we grow, and we become strengthened.  We can get through this!  With bleeding hearts and broken spirits, let's lift them up to the One who can repair them!  The enemy seeks to destroy us, but Christ came to give us life (John 10:10).  You want to really annoy the enemy who's trying to destroy you?  Count your suffering as joy.  Give praises to the Lord and Thanksgiving.  You don't have to ignore the suffering, no, that would be no good either.  Ignoring it as if it doesn't exist will further agitate it and let it build. Yet, focusing and wallowing in it will cause it to build as well.  So acknowledge it's there, but fix your eyes on Jesus.  I'm preaching to myself too.  It's much easier said than done, believe me, I know.

Today, right now, let's fix our eyes on Jesus, pray about things, and be thankful to Him.