Emotions and Darkness

So today just before seeing my therapist for some odd reason, out of nowhere, I had the urge to cut.  I seriously have no idea where that came from.  I thought about it and thought, "It must be my addiction talking because I can't figure out what could've triggered it."  My husband tried to help me through it.  I was scared because I didn't want to cut, but if the urge continued to get stronger and I couldn't fight it anymore, I would look for something to cut myself with.  I kept trying to fight it and I prayed that God would help me through it.

Over the last couple days I've been watching "Star Trek Continues" (which btw is really good).  In one of the episodes, there was this massive alien sending some sort of shockwaves at the Enterprise.  With these shockwaves, there was something in them that would cause people to not be able to control their emotions.  You know who it effected the most?  Spock.  Strange right?  He's always so logical, never really seeming like he has emotions.  But the thing is, he actually just bury's his emotions.  He said, "You need to lock me up.  My emotions are uncontrollable and there is a darkness inside me that no one knows."  I really related to this in a strange way.  You see, Aspies aren't really known to be very emotional, but if you know me or have been reading my blog, you know that's not the case with me.  My emotions tend to be stronger than the average person instead.  They're amplified and often are uncontrollable.  I too see a darkness in me that I often fear will show it's ugly face and I won't be able to repress it.  When one of our friends passed away this year, I wouldn't allow myself to cry because I knew if I did, I would feel weak, and when I feel weak, I punish myself by cutting.  So at the funeral I did not cry, I wanted to, but I didn't allow myself to.  I told myself I could cry when I was back home.  Unfortunately, I buried it so much that I still haven't cried over it.  I'm still grieving, but the tears have not come yet.  It makes me feel almost alien, not human, which makes me want to cut too so burying my emotions didn't help.

We all have a darkness inside us, a darkness that no one truly knows about.  A darkness we fear will show up and won't be able to control it.  But there is someone who does know, Christ.  He knows the deep darkness inside all of us, and loves us anyway.  For me, I think Christ actually helps me control that darkness in a sense.  He helps me to keep it locked up.  Of course, if it breaks through, that is my fault for not allowing Him to help me.  We tend to think we can do things on our own.  But the truth is we can't.  We were not meant to be alone.  When we allow Jesus to heal our deep wounds, we bind that darkness inside of us.  That darkness becomes weaker.  But the more we try to do things on our own, the darkness grows.  That is why we've got to bring our darkness to the cross.  That's why we have to ask for help.  I'm not saying share your deepest darkest problems with the world, but you need others to help you carry that burden.  We can't carry it ourselves.  When we try to carry it ourselves, we turn to things that may help us temporarily, but in the long run, it hurts us more.  We need to fix our eyes on Jesus, only He can free us from our bondage.

The End is Nigh

I don't talk much about "The End Times," but I thought I'd discuss it a little bit today.  My husband and I have differing views on it and I'm not completely sure what I believe about it as of right now.  So I thought I'd share my thoughts.

First, a little rant.  There have been times where I've heard people say, "I'm a Christian my family are all Christians, my children are Christians, I'm just waiting for Jesus to come back now."  That's great you and your family are Christians, but why wait?  What I mean is there is so much that needs to be done in this dying world.  We were not called to just sit on our butts all day waiting for Jesus to come back.  We were called to preach the Gospel all over the world, baptizing people in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, the Great Commission (Matthew 28:18-20).  Think of all the lost and hurting people in the world.  Don't they deserve to hear the Good News just as much as anyone else?  We have a mission here, we were born with this mission, to know Him and to make Him known.

Okay so on to the End Times.  People have been saying for many generations, "Jesus is coming back soon!"  The question is, how soon?  Here's my thought: before He comes back, things are going to get worse, MUCH worse than they are now.  You think immorality and lawlessness is bad now?  It's going to get a hell of a lot worse before He comes back!  You may ask, "How can things get much worse than they are now?"  In the days of Noah (Matthew 24:37).  Are we going through some of that?  Yes, but I don't think it's quite at the extent as what happened then.  Think about it, things got so bad that God literally had to destroy nearly everyone and everything!  Things were so bad, God actually regretted creating people (Genesis 6:6).  No doubt though, things are getting really bad.  Take child sacrifices for instance.  I know you don't want to hear it, but it's very important.  People think child sacrifices were in the past, but they're not, they happen right here in the US!  Only it's called by a different name: Abortion.  How is abortion the same as child sacrifice?  Abortion is killing the baby at the alter of convenience.  They don't want the child, or it's going to be born disabled and they don't want to raise a disabled child, so they abort it.  They are literally sacrificing the child at the alter for the god of convenience!  There are also things going on today that also happened in Sodom and Gomorra.  Homosexuality.  Gay sex ran rampant.  There were men who even wanted to rape angels who were in male forms (Genesis 19).  Last year, gay marriage became legal everywhere in the US.  We are seeing Sodom and Gomorra play out all over again.  No one wants to hear the truth anymore, they'd rather hear what they want to hear, itchy ears.

Yes, things are bad, but they're going to get much worse.  So what do we do?  We keep praying and we keep preaching the Gospel.  We do our mission until God calls us home.  Everyone needs to hear the Gospel and have a chance to accept Jesus.  If they refuse to, then that is their fault, not yours.  But if you don't preach the Gospel to all people, then that is your fault.  We must complete our mission!

Keep Going

So for the past three weeks I've been doing some intense (at least for me it's intense) working out.  I've been working out nearly every day for three weeks.  Mostly doing the treadmill for 30 minutes (changing the speed every five minutes).  It's really taken a toll on my knees quite honestly, to the point I feel crippled and can hardly walk.  This week I've been focusing on weight training.  Since my knees have been so bad this week I decided to work on upper body mostly today.  This week I had decided to do three times a week instead of every day that way it gives my knees a rest.

I've been married for six years and in the six years I've been married, I've gained 100 pounds.  My healthy weight needs to be between 140-150 pounds.  When I got married I was around 190 pounds, so I was already getting pretty overweight.  But then a couple months ago I was 296 pounds, the largest I've ever been so far!  It was very discouraging.  Part of me was thinking, "How did I ever get this big?"  I felt like if I reach 300 pounds, I'm going to feel like a complete failure.  Off and on I've tried to control my eating.  I start out really good, but then I crash and burn and go back to my old ways.  Conquering an addiction is extremely difficult, especially when it's something like eating or even drugs and alcohol.  Most addictions (or at least the ones I've had), while it's not easy to conquer, you can live without them.  Pornography, cutting, those you can live without.  But eating?  You can't stop eating altogether, you have to eat to survive!

Every time I think about losing weight, I feel really discouraged because all my other past attempts have ended in failure miserably.  I think about how I need to lose around 150 pounds and that just feels so unattainable.  Three weeks ago I found a costume I really want to wear for AWA (Anime Weekend Atlanta) next year, but the largest size it comes in is 2X, I'm a 3X.  I thought, "Going down one dress size in a year could possibly be attainable."  So I became very determined.  On top of which I decided instead of just focusing on my diet (which is important), I'm going to include exercise.  As much as I hate dieting and exercising, I hate my weight even more.  I hate when people stare at me more.  I hate feeling like I could crush my husband because I'm so large (he's really skinny).  I'm down to 287 pounds right now.  Without exercising, the lowest I can get down to is 286.  I'm hoping that including exercising will help me reach past that.  If I can even get to 285 that would be so encouraging because that'll tell me "I can do this!"

No matter what pain you're going through, whether it's emotional or physical, you've got to keep going.  There are many times I don't want to exercise, especially with my knee problems.  But you know what?  I go anyway.  I work myself until the pain actually becomes numb (I don't know if that's a good thing though).  I work-out until I'm soaked with sweat (generally).  There are so many times I just want to lay in bed all day.  There are times I want to give up.  But I can't give up.  Not only do I really want to wear that costume, but my life is on the line, seriously.  I'm considered morbidly obese and if I keep gaining weight, I will literally eat myself to death.  I've got to get this under control NOW before it's too late!  So no matter how discouraged you feel, you've got to keep going.  No matter how much it hurts, you've got to push yourself to the limit!  One of my big motivators is Goku from Dragonball Z.  He's constantly pushing himself past his limit when he's training; I'm trying to do the same thing (though my work-outs aren't nearly like his).  Try to find something that really motivates you to keep going.  Maybe it's something simple like a costume, maybe it's something really important like your family.  Find something and keep pushing for it.  Believe me, no matter how difficult it is, it will be worth it!  My husband printed out a picture of the character I want to cosplay as next year and put it on the fridge.  Every time I go to the fridge (or the kitchen in general) because I want to eat, I look at that picture and think, "Whatever I'm about to eat, will it help me reach my goal or will it hinder it?"  Of course, no matter how much weight I lose, I'll never look like an anime character, that's just not realistic.  But I can get to a healthy weight for me.  If you want help to feel motivated, encouraged, or even accountability for healthy living, you can join my group on Facebook, "Weight-Loss Accountability Group", here's the link:  https://www.facebook.com/groups/1205523512816711/

You can do this!

Shiro

My little boy, Shiro, is about 6 1/2 years old.  We rescued him five years ago.  I was never a cat fan, in fact, I used to joke saying cats were spawns of Satan.  My parents weren't cat fans either.  My husband and I have been married for six years.  Five years ago when we were living in Charlotte, NC, my husband was laid off from work.  We weren't sure what to do because we had no income coming in at all.  At the time I wasn't on disability yet.  We couldn't afford to live in our apartment anymore, so we were looking into other apartments that were cheaper (we ended up moving to Knoxville, TN and lived next door to my husband's parents).  At one apartment complex we were looking into moving to, we saw a white cat.  He instantly stole my heart.  He was the most beautiful cat I had ever seen before!  He was also very thin.  We asked someone who was working at the apartment office about him and they said his owners used to live there, but when they moved they left their cat behind.  He'd been on his own (we don't know for how long) and the neighbors were getting upset because at night he'd sleep in front of their doors on the welcome mat.  My heart sank.  For the first time in my life, I really wanted a cat.  We tried to go out and see him, but he was so scared he'd run away.  I talked to my husband about it and he said, "There's no way we can take him in right now, we don't have them money to take care of him."  So I prayed every night asking God, "Please let us be able to take care of this cat, if not us, have someone else take him in please."  We'd go visit the apartment complex a couple times after getting some cat treats to see if we could get close to him.  He was very scared like a feral cat, but when he heard the treats shaking he'd slowly come over, which showed us there was some part of him that was still tame.  We'd put some treats on the ground and he'd check them out.  The last time we went to see him, the lady working at the office said they were going to call the pound to pick him up.  I told my husband, "We have to take him in.  If we don't, there's a chance he won't make it.  Puppies and kittens are easy to adopt out, but adult animals aren't as easily adoptable."  My husband and I discussed it with each other and talked to a friend about it too who had a lot of cats.  We discussed that until we had the money, she could maybe take care of him for us. When we talked to our parents about it, they were completely against it.  My husband and I thought about it and decided to go against our parents wishes and take him in.

The apartment complex trapped him twice, since the first time he actually escaped.  When we got there and they had him trapped, we could hear his pitiful whining.  He was so scared.  The first thing we did was take him to the vet.  I had a hard time figuring out a name for him.  I knew I wanted a Japanese name though.  We called the vet a couple times and I kept changing the name because I couldn't decide on one.  My friend and I thought about it and we came up with the name Shiro, which is Japanese for "white."  We took him to the vet and he was very much like a feral cat.  He also had his claws so it was difficult getting near him.  When the vet took him out to weigh him, he escaped and ran under something (I forgot what it was since I wasn't in the room with them) and kept hissing at them.  I think they had to wear gloves too because of his claws.  They eventually got him and did blood work for him but that was about it.  They couldn't even clip his nails!  When they finished they gave him back to us and told us how difficult he had been.  We really struggled, but we were able to pay for the vet bills.

Before we had trapped him, we bought him food and cat litter and it was all waiting, ready for him back at our apartment.  We discussed that we wouldn't tell the apartment complex yet about us having a cat because it would cost extra and we were really tight on money.  When we brought Shiro home, we put him in our bathroom.  I made him a bed under the bathroom sink and I had heard when bringing in a cat to a new area, leave one area that's small for them to get used to.  The bathroom was the perfect place.  We let him out in the bathroom and not only did he go under the sink, he somehow climbed into one of the drawers!  Our plan for not telling the apartment complex wasn't going to work.  We called them to come and told them the situation and they brought someone from maintenance with them.  They literally had to break the drawer to get Shiro out.  We realized the bathroom wasn't going to work.  Now that the complex knew we had a cat, we had to pay extra money, which we really didn't have.  Maintenance was okay with fixing the drawer after a few days.  My husband and I decided we would have Shiro in our bedroom instead of the bathroom.  There wasn't really anywhere he could get himself in trouble in there.  He hid under the bed for hours.  I couldn't fit under the bed, plus I didn't want to scare him even more.  So I just sat in the bedroom hoping he'd come out eventually.  That night our church was having a speaker come who was going to talk about art and Christianity.  I had actually been looking forward to it, but now that Shiro was here, I wanted to stay at home for him.  The pastors wife called me and told me I needed to go because she thought I would really enjoy it and I had made plans to go.  This made me really angry.  I didn't want to leave Shiro all alone.  I explained to her we had just rescued a cat but she didn't really seem to care.  But I went anyway.  It was a good talk, but I was still upset the whole time I was there. I just kept thinking about how scared Shiro was.  That night when I got back home, he had not come out to eat or use the litterbox yet.  He stayed under the bed for hours.  Finally at about two or there in the morning while my husband and I were asleep, we heard his pitiful whining.  My husband turned to me and said, "Honey, the baby needs you."  We both got up though and put food in his bowl.  He eventually came out and started eating.  Even though he was really scared of me, for weeks he wouldn't eat unless I was watching him.  When I'd get near him he'd scratch me up pretty badly.  But I didn't care, I knew he was really scared.

It took about a month before he finally started to trust me.  It took about another month before he started trusting my husband.  Once he started trusting us a bit more and we were able to get a kitty carrier for him, we took him to the Humane Society to get him neutered.  It was cheaper at the Humane Society than the vet.  We also had them clip his nails (I think it was only five bucks to get them trimmed there).  As we were leaving we felt really bad.  We saw some of the cats in little cages waiting to be adopted and they looked so miserable.  It made me so sad to see them and I thought "I wish I could adopt them all."  My husband felt bad too, though his feelings were different from mine. He was thinking more of how he was glad he didn't have to get neutered because, er, yea, for obvious reasons.  We were able to pick up Shiro in a few hours and unlike at the vets office, they were actually able to trim his nails.  I don't remember very much of what he was like after we got him back, I think he was really tired but I really don't remember much.  We fed Shiro as much as we could when we first got him because he looked like he was starving when we first got him.  He was very underweight.  So every time his food bowl was empty, we'd fill it up more.  Eventually he was not only not underweight, he began to get overweight!  When we took him to the vet again, he was now about fifteen pounds!  The normal weight he needed to be was ten pounds.  Since he was no longer "starving," we realized we needed to limit his food.  You see, for years I've struggled with my own weight.  I didn't want him to end up like me.  Obesity is also very common with cats and he really doesn't exercise very much (like most house cats).  He mostly sleeps all day.  We'd get him toys but he didn't play with them much.  Even after limiting how much food he'd get (one cup in the morning and one cup at night), he still wasn't losing weight.  So we put him on weight control food.

Today he weighs about 11 pounds.  He loves my husband and I and really seems to trust us.  He's still scared of other people, but there are some exceptions too.  He seems to trust women more than men.  My husband and I think his previous owner might've been a man and must've been abusive or something.  Shiro never has to worry about being out in the rain because he has no shelter anymore.  He never has to worry about being kicked out or abandoned.  He never has to worry about not having a place to sleep.  He never has to worry about not eating for a day.  He's a very happy kitty.  I can't have children, so he's the closest I have to having a child.  Sometimes he scratches me still, but that's only when I cuddle with him too much.  He really doesn't care too much about being cuddled with.  Sometimes I can't help it though.  I have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), and when I cuddle with him, it helps calm me down.  Even when I have nightmares sometimes, he'll come up to me and start giving me "kitty kisses."  Even our parents have accepted him!  My parents who hate cats have even grown to love him.  My mom has even said, "I'm glad you rescued him."  They say when you rescue an animal, you are healing them.  I hope that's true, but you know what I know is true?  Shiro has been one of my healers too (my husband and God are on that list too)!

I know he can't read this, but Shiro, thank you for letting me take you in.  Thank you for being my little angel.  I don't know where I'd be without you.  You're very precious to me and I'm so glad I get to be your cat-mom.  Love you, mommy's little boy <3

Update

I figured I'd give a little update on what's going on with me.

I've gone nine months without cutting!  Most of my scars on my arms are actually fading quite nicely.  It's actually kinda hard to notice them!  I've also decided to start working out and working on my diet.  I've gone a week (not perfectly) working on this and on Sunday I weighed myself and in two months I had lost 9 pounds!  Unfortunately, I was stupid and baked lemon bars and after having two yesterday, I weighed myself this morning to see how bad it was....I gained 3 pounds in one day?!  It was pretty discouraging.  It's really hard for me to lose weight.  Some of my medications contribute to weight gain and there's nothing I can do about that.  But it just means I may have to work harder than "normal" people.  I've been trying to walk on the treadmill for thirty minutes every day.  I'm also trying to eat the bare minimum (for breakfast and dinner I have to have at least 300 calories for my medication).  I try to eat "healthier" snacks during the day too, but I only eat them when I feel like I absolutely HAVE to.  After finding out I gained 3 pounds in one day, I've pretty much told myself "NO deserts until I lose enough weight and can maintain the healthy weight!"

I've also found out since yesterday that I'm apparently dairy intolerant.  I knew I was lactose intolerant, but it looks like I'm also dairy intolerant.  This means I have to take even MORE medicine!  I have to cook my eggs differently now too.  I can't cook it in butter anymore, I have to use live oil instead.  The taste is still the same or really close, the difference is cooking eggs in butter make them a little more fluffy, and cooking them in olive oil makes them a bit greasy.

I have arthritis in my knees and the more I work out, the more my knees feel like they're going to fall off.  Sometimes I work out until the pain goes away and I just feel numb.

You may be wondering what's made me so determined to work out and work on my dieting.  If you know me, you know I tend to burn out really quickly.  I'm good for about two or three weeks and then I completely burn out.  There's still a chance that will happen this time too.  But you see, I really want to go back to Anime Weekend Atlanta next year and there's a costume I'm wanting to wear there (which I'm hoping I will get for Christmas).  Unfortunately, the biggest size I could find on Amazon is one dress size smaller than me.  I'm a 3X and the costume is a 2X.  I'm determined to get in that costume though.  While losing 140 pounds seems so impossible to me, going down one dress size in a year feels somewhat doable.  I'm hoping this week or next week I can get past 286.  286 lbs seem to be the lowest I've been able to get down to, but that was when I was trying to work on dieting without exercising.  Now that I'm adding exercising, I'm hoping I can get past 286.  Even going down to 285 would be a really big encouragement for me because that would tell me "I can do this!"

I've been really upset over this election.  I've lost so many friends, had my Christianity questioned, had my intelligence questioned, and had my character attacked over this stupid thing just because I voted for Trump!  This is ridiculous!  So the next election that happens, I'm not going to post anything political anymore because it's so stupid.  I'll just keep who I'm voting for to myself (and my family).  It's really effected me terribly.  I even lost one of my best friends for many years to politics! You have no idea how much this has  pissed me off and really hurt me.  But I'm not going to rant over it.  That's not what this blog is about.

That's about all I can think of for an update.  My depression has its ups and downs.  Sometimes I have okay days, and sometimes I have really low days.  I've just got to survive.  As much as I want to thrive, if I never do then oh well, I've just got to at least survive.


Here's a funny video to lift the mood :)

Autism/BPD

My final blog on mental health is addressing Autism/Asperger's Syndrome and Borderline Personality Disorder.

It is said when you meet one person you meet with Autism, that's just it, one person.  There is a huge spectrum of different forms of Autism and different severities of Autism.  My husband and I for example are in the Asperger's Syndrome area, though they are now taking that term out and just calling it Autism.  I can only speak as how it affects me though, since we are not all the same.  For example, my husband is a genius (and a lot of people with Autism are as well), I did not get that part though.  I am an artist, not an intellectual (not saying you can't be both).

So what is life like with Asperger's?  It's hard to say since I don't know what it's like to not have it.  I was diagnosed with it at the end of 11th grade, but it's not like an illness you catch like the flu or something, it's something you're born with.  So while I know what it was like before being officially diagnosed with it, I don't know what it's like to NOT have it.

Ever since I was a kid, I've always known something was different about me from other kids.  I got bullied a lot so that didn't help much either.  While I did play with friends, there were a lot of times where I just stuck to myself.  While I didn't get the genius part like a lot of people with Asperger's get, I got a very different thing.  I'm odd for someone with Asperger's honestly.  Most people with Asperger's (again, I said most not all) aren't really in touch with their emotions.  They feel emotions don't get me wrong, but they don't really understand what they are feeling.  This is why they often appear to not feel things, they don't understand what they're feeling so they seem cold and distant.  I know they're not cold though.  Before my husband and I started dating, sometimes my husband seemed cold, but I know he's not cold and he has learned what some of these feelings are since we've been together.  On the other hand, I feel emotions too strongly.  I get hurt easily because I take everything to heart.  My emotions are stronger than most "normal" people.  When I love, I love a lot. When I hurt, I hurt a lot.  When I'm pissed, I'm REALLY pissed.  Etc etc.

People on the Autism spectrum typically don't understand social cues.  They make absolutely NO SENSE to us.  We could say or do something really offensive and not realize it because we just don't get it.  If we are offensive, please tell us, bluntly (don't beat around the bush), but gently at the same time.  We really don't mean to be offensive.  My husband and I went to a church for maybe about a year and were in a small group there.  It was a couples group.  Honestly, I felt like I didn't really belong, until towards the end.  People seemed to start talking to me more.  I had gotten in trouble once for sharing too much.  I was really struggling with my faith, and when I asked the group to pray for me they got upset and told me not to talk abut that.  It really hurt, but I eventually got over it.  My husband and I had told them if we said or did anything offensive, they needed to tell us because we literally don't understand social protocols.  They never told us we did or said anything offensive.  Sometimes we'd even go up to the leader and ask, "How did we do?  Did we say or do anything offensive?"  They would say, "No you were just fine."  One morning after church, the senior pastor came up to us and said the group no longer wanted us anymore.  It came to a shock to us.  I actually started crying.  He said, "It's not you they have a problem with, it's your husband!  He acts like he's trying to take over the group!"  That really infuriated me.  My husband was not trying to take over the group.  He gets passionate about the Bible but he was not trying to take over.  If they really thought he was trying to take over they should've told us!  We never went back to that church again.  Even thinking back about that stirs pain inside me.

The other thing I was going to discuss was BPD or Borderline Personality Disorder.  Some doctors have diagnosed me with this, others have said it's just part of my Asperger's.  It's a bit difficult to explain because I still don't really understand it.  All I really know are some of the symptoms I've had.  I suppose being really emotional is one of the symptoms.  Like I said, when I get hurt, I really get hurt.  I struggle with self-mutilation.  Now, if you struggle with this, that doesn't mean you have BPD, but it is a symptom.  I've done it since the 9th grade and a bad medication was actually what triggered it for me.  I was off and on with cutting but last year it got so bad I was doing it three times a week.  At that point I realized I really had a problem.  Not only was I doing it more often, but I was cutting deeper as well to get the same effect.  I did it to either feel numb or punish myself.  Was it the right thing to do?  Of course not!  But it was what seemed to help me.  At the time, my psychiatrist told my husband to just let me do it because I will eventually grow out of it.  In January this year, I decided I was going to stop and find a better coping skill.  There have been times I've come really close to cutting again, but I have not cut since around January 14th, so nearly nine months!  My hope is if I can go a year without cutting I can write a free e-book for those who are struggling to quit but want to quit.  I want it to be a free resource so money isn't an excuse.  If you really want to quit, you can!  You need a lot of support to get through it, and you need to learn better coping skills, but it is possible to quit!  There are other symptoms, but I don't feel comfortable right now to get into them.  If you are struggling with BPD or think you may have it, you may e-mail me and we can talk about it.  Just put in the subject of the e-mail that you found me on my blog:  allieliconapeters@gmail.com

Schizoffactive

What is Schizoaffective?  Well, it's pretty much a combination between Schizophrenia and Bipolar.  I've never known anyone with this except for myself, and I was only diagnosed with it last year in the spring so it's a bit of a new term for me.  I don't think it's something I've always had though.  My brain injury I got from my first suicide attempt in 2009 caused a lot of problems, and giving me a form of psychosis is one of them.  We didn't have a name for what kind of psychosis I had until last after my second suicide attempt.

So what is it like living with Schizoaffective?  It's not easy that's for sure, but then again, is any mental illness truly easy to live with?  So I guess I'll start from the beginning.

In the summer of 2010 I got married to the best man in the world.  Up to that time I hadn't really had much of an issue with things Schizophrenia's have.  I had depression but that seemed to be most of the problem other than things like forgetting everything.  I hadn't really had much hallucinations other than right after my suicide attempt.  But about a year after getting married, I started having weird hallucinations.  I'd either see bugs crawling around (which is one I still currently have) or I'd see something like I was surrounded by jail cell bars.  I wasn't really hearing voices yet either and my paranoia seemed to be normal.  I thought it was strange though seeing these things.  So my husband and I went to a few different doctors and none of them could really figure out what was wrong with me.  One actually said I was almost in a constant place between being awake and asleep.  Basically, it was like I was dreaming while I was awake.  It didn't make much sense to me honestly.  Over the years though it started getting worse.  I started hallucinating other things almost on a daily basis (like I thought I saw my cat running in the bedroom, but he was really in another room with my husband).  Sometimes I would see faces.  I started hearing voices as well.  They didn't really tell me to do anything, it was mostly like listening in on a conversation with multiple voices.  Sometimes they did talk to me though.  I really hated that because when they'd talk to me, it was always really horrible stuff.  They'd say awful things about God and I really didn't want to hear it.  Sometimes they'd shout at me.  Some nights I would wake up in the middle of the night hearing someone scream my name, but it turned out there was no one there.  Then the paranoia came.  I became so paranoid over everything that I thought at one point the ground was going to swallow me while I was at church, and I also thought my mother-in-law was trying to poison me (we lived next door to my in-laws).  Things started getting really bad so we told my psychiatrist.  It turned out I had some form of psychosis (though at the time we didn't have a label for what kind I had).  I started going on an anti-psychotic and that for the most part helped.  But it seemed like we had to keep increasing it until we increased it to the maximum dose, then finally the voices went away and the hallucinations seemed to have also.  My paranoia seemed more bearable as well.

This year things started to change.  I started getting really nauseas after I'd take my anti-psychotic, sometimes even end up puking.  I talked to my psychiatrist about it and we tried dividing it up, like taking half of it in the morning and half of it at night.  The nausea still didn't go away.  So we tried a different drug altogether.  The nausea went away, but the hallucinations started coming back.  We've tried several different drugs and the same thing happens.  I hallucinate about 2-3 times a week, but no voices and paranoia is bearable.  So now I've come to realize I may have to always live with these hallucinations.  They've become more vivid and realistic (though sometimes they're so ridiculously random I end up laughing - earlier this summer I had one where I saw a floating green hotdog/cucumber thing).  It can be scary when you hallucinate though because when it happens, you (or at least for me) lose all sense of what is real and what isn't.  It's very frightening.  But now I expect them to happen so I've come to sort of just live with them now.  Some weeks are better than others.  Last week I hallucinated 5-6 times so that was pretty difficult for me.  They seem to get worse when I feel stressed out.  A couple days ago I thought I saw a snake crawling on the wall and go behind one of my massive asian fans.  I told my husband and he looked and said there was nothing there.  Sometimes they freak me out so badly I end up sleeping on the couch instead so then I don't have to think about what I just saw in the bedroom.  They mostly happen at night, though sometimes they happen during the day too.  I tend to be able to tell more they're hallucinations when they happen during the day though.  Like sometimes I'll hear a downpour, but when I go outside, it's not raining at all.  One time I saw a big beatle scurry across my foot (I was barefoot), I saw it but didn't feel it, so I knew it was a hallucination.  The hallucinations I tend to have the most of I think are of bugs.  I can't drive anymore because the way I perceive things when I'm behind the wheel.  It's almost like a hallucination.  Cars that are actually moving sometimes appear to be parked to me, and it only happens when I'm driving.  I haven't driven since shortly after my first suicide attempt in 2009.

So I've told you about the Schizophrenia part, what about the Bipolar part?  Well, there are two types of Bipolar.  Type 1 is Manic and type 2 is depressive.  I have type 2.  When someone is Manic (and I only know this because I've been around some people who are Manic), they can do really weird things (it varies from person to person though).  I once knew a girl that when she was Manic, she would just continually clean.  She'd clean even if she didn't need to clean.  As for type 2, I really don't know the difference between that and regular depression.  I guess that is something you'd need to ask a psychiatrist.  I guess, I get mood swings like people with Bipolar, but the one I mostly get is being depressed.  I don't know if that really makes sense or not.

One of my dreams has been to have children one day, though I've realized recently that that dream will never come true.  Part of the reason I've come to accept that (as painful as it is) is because of my Schizoaffective.  Not saying all people with this do this, but from what others have told me and what I've researched, people who are Schizoaffective have a tendency to become abusive.  Funny how I've been abused by people and it could turn around and I could become the abuser instead.  As far as I know, I have never abused anyone, but if it turned out I did, I don't think I could ever forgive myself. I've asked my husband if I've ever abused him or the cat before and he says no.  But I also know there's a part of me that could snap one day and I may end up doing the thing I hate the most.  One time I was snuggling with my cat Shiro.  I was having what I call a "PTSD attack" because I really don't know what it's really called.  When I have these sort of "attacks," I like to snuggle with my cat to calm me down.  He doesn't like it when I do that though and one day when I was doing that, he scratched me in the face and ran under my husband's desk so I couldn't reach him.  That made the PTSD attack even worse and I threatened my husband that I was going to throw my cat outside.  My husband gave me a Xanax to calm me down (which will typically make me sleep all day), and then I realized what kind of threat I had made.  Never in my right mind would I get rid of my cat!  So I apologized to my husband and to Shiro (even though Shiro didn't understand what I had said).  I have a plush now that seems to sort of help me when I have those attacks now but I discussed that in my previous blog on PTSD.  When I think of that day, I realize I would not be a suitable parent.  If something set me off I might kick my child out like I was about to with our cat!  I would never be able to forgive myself for that.

My next blog will be the final one on mental illness most likely.  It'll be about Autism/Asperger's Syndrome and also BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).  They sort of go together (for me anyway) so that's why I'll be discussing both of them in my next blog.