Thank You

To the men and women who are in the Armed Forces, thank you for risking your lives so we can live in a free country.  Despite people trying to kill you, you sacrifice your lives so we can live in the greatest country in the world.  Sure our country like any other country has it's issues, but it's because of you that we can live in a country where we are free to protest with our freedom of speech and pray and worship God.

To the men and women in the Police Department, thank you for risking your lives so we can sleep soundly.  You sacrifice your lives so we don't have to worry about being murdered.  You rush into danger so we can be safe.

To the men and women in the Fire Department, thank you for risking your lives so we can be safe in our homes.  You sacrifice your lives and rush into buildings and forests that are on fire so we can be safe.


I'm sorry you are all underappreciated.  No one forces you to go into danger to save people, you do it because you want to help people.  You are all the reasons we are a great country.  It doesn't matter to you what race we are, or by what name we call God, you come to our rescue.  You are all heroes.  I wish people appreciated what y'all do for us.  If I could, I would give all of you a big hug and tell you I support you and appreciate what you do for us.  People take advantage of what you do for us.  You understand that ALL LIVES MATTER no matter who it is.  The only reason you would kill someone would be to save those who are in danger.  You're on the front lines to protect us, even though it seems no one is there to protect you, not even our own government.  Yet, you don't expect people to respect you.  Jesus said, "There is no greater love, than to lay down your life for your friends."  Indeed, you willingly lay down your lives for those who even hate you.

So to all of you in the service, I thank you.  It's because of you we can live freely.  You do what you do to protect us even though no one makes you do it.  I'm sorry there are people who hate you and even want to kill you.  People unappreciate your sacrifices.  But I want you to know that I greatly appreciate your sacrifices and that you aren't alone.  I know I'm not the only one who appreciates your sacrifices.  We salute you and thank you for your sacrifices.  God bless you all.


Your Sister in Christ,

Allie


P.S:  Let's all be united as one instead of being divided.

Sons and Daughters

Before He spoke creation, the God of heaven knew our names Formed in His reflection, we are His glory on display

And His heart is good, He is always kind With a cross He proved, He is on our side 

We are the sons, we are the daughters of God No matter where we go we're close to the Father's heart And though we stumble He will not let us fall We are the Lord's and He will never forsake His own We are the sons, we are the daughters of God 

His love He lavished on us and called us children of the King And in His loving kindness, He chose the lowly and the weak 

Pre-Chorus (x1) 

Chorus (x1) 

When the lies speak louder than the truth Remind me I belong to You When I can't see past the dark of night Remind me You're always by my side (Repeat Twice) 

Chorus (x1) 



I really like this song.  I heard it for the first time at church this past Sunday.  What does it mean to be a son or daughter of God?

The Lord is like a Father to his children, tender, and full of compassion to those who fear Him. For He understands how weak we are, He knows we are only dust.

But the love of the Lord stays forever with those who fear Him

Psalm 103:13

God is like a father.  He cares for His children (His followers) and protects them.  I've been protected from the demonic, suicide attempts, even from drowning in a pool once when I was little.  God protects us.  He has compassion for us.  He knows we are weak.  He knows we struggle.  But He still helps us and understands us better than anyone else.  People come and go but God is forever and will never abandon us!  He has promised to never forsake us.

"So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the LORD your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you."

Deuteronomy 3:16

This means no matter how alone we feel, we are never truly alone.  When we cry out to Him, He hears us and He collects our tears.

You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.

Psalm 56:8

Of course, a good father doesn't give his children EVERYTHING they want, but he does give them what they need.  God isn't a genie who grants you wishes.  Sometimes we do get what we want.  But God does provide us for our needs.  My husband and I are poor with very little income.  But God always seems to provide us our needs.

Of course, just because God helps us, this doesn't mean life will always be great.  Sometimes life gives us hell.  Jesus even promised us that life would be hard.  But we have the Creator of the entire universe on our side.  When we have nowhere else to go to and are begging on our knees for relief, He's there.  He wraps His arms around us and tells us, "I'm here."

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28

We have to hang on, because in the end, things will be good.  Of course, by in the end, sometimes that good doesn't happen until we meet Him in heaven.  Sometimes that "good" doesn't come until the next life.  But it's all worth it!  I heard this story recently where in a Muslim country, there was a father and son who were Christians.  Some Muslims came to them and told the father to reject Christ or they would chop off his sons fingers.  He refused and they chopped off his sons fingers right in front of him.  Eventually, both the father and son were killed.  Was this a good situation?  Of course not!  But they get to be with Christ now, and are no longer suffering.  When they are resurrected, they will have new bodies, which means the son who had his fingers cut off will have all his fingers back!

Sometimes we have to deal with tragedy in our lives.  I had a friend a couple months ago die from cancer.  It was a tragedy to lose such a friend, but I know she is no longer suffering and she is in the presence of God Almighty!

We are sons and daughters of God!  We are ambassadors of the Creator!

So we are Christ's ambassadors; God is making his appeal through us. We speak for Christ when we plead, "Come back to God!"

2 Corinthians 5:20

Instead of living like there is no hope, let's live like God is with us!  He is with us and for us, not against us!

What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?

Romans 8:31

One Year Later

A year ago yesterday was one of the worst days of my life.  In one month two of my best friends wanted nothing to do with me anymore (which honestly was my fault).  It was the day before Mother's Day and my husband was interviewing someone for his podcast.  I thought to myself, "I can't take this rejection anymore, so I'm going to try to go away again, and never come back."  I found my husband's keys which had the key to the safe where my medications were.  I snuck into the safe and grabbed a bottle of my sleeping pills.  It had just been refilled.  I took all of the pills and layed in bed hoping I would fall asleep soon and not wake up.  Soon, I started feeling guilty about what I had done.  I started imagining how my husband would react if he found me dead, and knowing him he'd blame himself for it, when it had nothing to do with him.  I started regretting my actions and thought, "Is this really worth it?  Sure I lost two of my best friends, but is killing myself really worth it?"  About thirty minutes after I took the pills my husband finished his podcast and came in the room not knowing what I had done.  He said he was going to run some errands and asked if I wanted to come along.  I said I was too tired to go with him.  As he began to leave the room, something in me told me to tell him what I did.  To this day I still don't know why I told him, but I stopped him and told him I OD'ed.  He couldn't believe it and panicked.  I showed him the empty bottle and he frantically started making phone calls.  I slipped out of consciouncess (I can't spell) until I felt a rough rubbing on my chest.  I started hearing my name calling me.  I woke up slightly and saw my husband, my in-laws, and paramedics in my room.  Every time I started slipping away they'd keep rubbing my chest really hard.  I had a bruise there for a while from them doing it so much.  I started puking and they had to give me oxygen.  The paramedics  would ask me questions and I'd try to answer with sounds but I was so tired.  I had ringing in my ears too and I felt really dizzy like everything was spinning.  When I woke up again I found myself in an ambulance.  They commented how I was "a big girl" which really offended me.  I was thinking "Here I'm dying and you're going to comment on my weight?!"  I still kept slipping in and out of concsiousness.  My husband and my in-laws were driving behind the ambulance and ran through red lights.  The next thing I knew I was in the hospital and my clothes had been torn off.  I had heard them cutting through my clothes but at the same time I wasn't really awake while they were doing it either.  When I woke up I started calling for my husband.  They let him in and some friends too.  He was crying and he said my mom (who lived in another state) was on her way.  I had puke in my hair and dried on my hands.  One of my friends helped clean off the puke on my hand.  Friends from church had come to check on me too.  I couldn't believe how many people came to see if I was okay.  I didn't get to see most of them because only a certain amount of people could be in the room and my husband (and when my mom got there) didn't want to leave the room.  I was transferred to another room and they stuck two iv's in me.  It was a rough night.  My husband stayed with me overnight while there was someone watching me as I slept too.  I told my husband I was sorry for what I did.  The next day my husband and I hadn't slept well.  My mom came back from a hotel and my in-laws came to pick up my husband so he could get some sleep at home and he returned later.  That night he had to go back home and I didn't want him to leave me.  I cried and begged for him to stay with me but he said he couldn't.  Plus I was possibly being transferred to the psychiatric ward that night.  If I had, he would have to stay in the hospital by himself since he didn't have a car there.  After about a couple of hours I was transferred to the psychiatric ward so I called my husband and told him I wasn't upset with him for leaving and that it was a good thing that he did.  While I was there, I had a revelation.  People really do care about me and don't want to see me leave.  If people care about me that much, how much more must God care about me?  There's a reason I was still there and when I told my mom how many pills I took, she looked it up and said they really could've killed me.  This was the second time I had escaped death (the first suicide attempt was after graduating high school in 2009).  Suddenly I no longer wanted to just exist, I wanted to live.  I was in the psychiatric ward for two or three days and was released.  I was doing really well, I was even humming worship songs at times.  My husband told me he was really upset with me, until he saw me.  Suddenly the negative feelings he was feeling towards me slipped away.  I even made things up with one of my best friends I had lost and we are great friends to this day again!

It was a really rough year last year, and hopefully after moving to a different area will help me forget about the negativity that happened, but at the same time I hope I don't completely forget so I will have learned my lesson.  I've tried to take my life three times (twice last year) and every time my plan was thwarted.  There is a reason I'm still here, and I don't know what that reason is.  Perhaps some day I'll find out.  But I'm going to try to not make my time to leave this earth earlier than God has planned for me.  Some day I will leave, but it's not my call as to when I leave.  I have to trust God with that.

My Destiny

I've thought a lot about "destiny."  I used to think I was destined to kill myself one day.  I've told other people I thought I was destined to eventually kill myself because of my suicidal tendencies.  But what if I can change my destiny?  What if I choose to live instead?



Those of us who are suicidal, we don't have to give into our tendencies.  We can LIVE!  You may ask, "What if I don't want to live anymore?  I'm tired of living this way and it seems like this is the only way of escape for me."  I thought that way too, and sometimes I still think that way.  But there's always a way of escape, whether we see it or not.  There's always another option.  We may not want that option, but it's always there.



Sometimes life just gets so exhausting.  We're so sick of how our lives are we just want rest.  That rest will eventually come, though it may not be in our timing.  We can't play God and choose when we die.  We are not the authors of our story.  It is the author's choice when the story ends.  It's the author's choice when to put in and take out other characters of the story.  We just have to go along with it.  Besides, you never know, some of those characters may one day come back in the story!



Sometimes it feels like the author wants us to suffer and we get so sick of it.  But we've got to hang on.  It's not that the author wants us to suffer.  God is there with us through our suffering.  We've got to grasp onto His feet and allow Him to help us get through it.  Our suffering doesn't always end when we want it too.  Sometimes it lasts a lifetime, and you may say, "I can't handle a lifetime of suffering!"  But suffering also makes us into stronger people.  We may feel weak, but it CAN make us stronger even if we don't feel like it.  We can do this!  We can change our destinies and live instead of destroy ourselves, as well as others.

What Does it Mean to be Saved?

Since Easter is coming up I thought this would be a good topic to talk about.  What does it mean when someone says "I'm saved"?  Saved from what?  Do we really need to be saved from something?

I don't like the whole "Jesus comes into your heart" thing.  Maybe that's just me, but when someone says "If you ask Jesus into your heart you're saved" sounds confusing and childish.  Let's take this step-by-step though.

What do we need to be saved from?

When God created the world, he created angels as well.  The most beautiful angel, Lucifer, was vain and wanted God's throne to himself.  So he rebelled against God as well as a third of the angels.  God sent them all to earth as punishment and Lucifer's new name is Satan, which means "the adversary."  Satan is the devil, and the angels who fell from heaven with him are demons, which serve him.  God created man and woman (Adam and Eve) and they were to take care of a garden they were placed in and the animals there.  But they were not supposed to eat from a certain tree, all the other trees they could eat from, but not this one: the tree of knowledge of good and evil, or they would surely die.  Suddenly, a serpent appeared to the woman and tempted her to eat from the tree.  Eventually she gave in and ate from it.  She even convinced the man to eat from the tree as well!  The serpent wasn't just any serpent though, it was Satan in disguise.  After the man and woman ate from the tree, their eyes were opened to things they didn't know of before.  They knew they did something wrong, they disobeyed God, and they were naked!  They tried to hide themselves when God called out to the man, "Adam, where are you?"  Adam responded, "I heard you in the garden, so I hid because I was naked."  God replied, "Who told you that you were naked?  Did you eat from the tree I told you not to eat from?"  At this point you'd think Adam would be wise enough to just admit his wrong-doing, but no, he turns to the woman and says, "It's the woman YOU gave me!  She gave me the fruit!"  Then the woman says, "It was the serpent!  It deceived me!"  Neither of them would admit their wrong-doing.  So God turned the serpent and cursed it.

"Cursed are you above all livestock and all wild animals!  You will crawl on your belly and you will eat dust all the days of your life.  And I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and hers; he will crush your head and you will strike his heel."

To the woman he said, "I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labor you will give birth to children.  Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you."

To the man he said, "Cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat food from it for the rest of your life.  It will produce thorns and thistles for you, and you will eat the plants of the field.  By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground, since from it you were taken; for dust you are and dust you will return."

Because of this, they were driven out of the garden.  After this first action of rebellion against God, we all rebel against God now.

As it is written: "There is not one who is righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands; there is no one who seeks God."
- Romans 3:10-11

We are cursed beings for the things we've done.  We are slaves of Satan.  There is no escape.  We may think we're free, but we are in prisons that we have made for ourselves.  This is what we needed to be saved from.  Could anyone actually save us?  Yes.

God wants to be close to us, but because we rebelled against Him, we turned our backs towards Him.  How could He save us?  He sent His Son, Jesus (Yeshua) in the form of a baby.  Jesus was God, but also human.  He was not half-God half-human, he was fully God and fully human.  I know it's a bit confusing, I don't really know how to explain it.  But Jesus performed many miracles.  He healed people, he cast demons out of people, he fed thousands of people, he walked on water, he brought people back from the dead, and so much more!  He was also tempted just like us.  For forty days he was in the desert being tempted by Satan: not once did he give in!  He hung out with the people the religious people thought were disgusting and despicable.  He loved people.  The religious people didn't like him, they hated him and plotted to kill him.  This was God's plan all along.  His Son would be the scapegoat for us.  He would be punished with what we deserved.  That's exactly what happened.  Jesus' friend Judas Iscariot betrayed him and turned him over to the religious leaders.  The religious leaders condemned him to death.  They brought him to the Roman governor Pontius Pilate.  He washed his hands and said, "Do with him what you want.  But I am innocent of this man's blood."  So Jesus was mocked, spat on, beaten, flogged (severely), forced to carry his own cross up a hill, and crucified.  They put a crown of thorns on his head.  They nailed his hands and feet to a cross.  They stripped him of his clothes.  He was humiliated.  He was given a criminals punishment when he did nothing wrong.  People hurled insults at him.  "He saved others, why can't he save himself?"  There were two thieves crucified next to him.  One of them said, "If you are the Messiah, save yourself and us!"  The other thief backfired, "Don't you fear God?  He was sentenced to the same punishment we got!  But he didn't deserve this, we did!"  He turned to Jesus and said, "Remember me when you go into your kingdom."  Jesus answered, "I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise."  Jesus then cried out, "Tetelestai - It is finished."  The thieves legs were broken so they would die quicker, but when the guards reached Jesus, he was already dead.

These things happened in fulfillment of the Scriptures that say, "Not one of his bones will be broken."
-John 19:36

They stuck a spear in his side to make sure he really was dead.  They buried his body in a tomb one of the religious leaders who followed him bought.  Three days later, his body was no longer there!  The guards panicked.  The women who were going to anoint Jesus' body were frightened as well.  An angel appeared to them saying, "He is not here, He has risen!"  The women told Jesus' best friends - his disciples, that Jesus was back.  Peter and John ran to the tomb and saw it was empty.  Jesus appeared to them!  Thomas didn't believe them until Jesus also appeared to him.  He said, "Put your finger in my hands or on my side.  Don't doubt anymore."

With Jesus taking our punishment, he broke the hold Satan has over us!  The bondage we were under, the chains that could not come off were broken!  We are free in Jesus!  We can now be close to God again!  Through Jesus, God extends His hand out to us and says, "Follow me."  But we have a choice.  Are we going to follow Him?  Or are we going to keep our backs turned?  We are saved if we take His hand and follow Him.  But if we refuse and continue to choose to rebel against Him, we are still cursed.  I choose to follow Him.

Psalm 41

Psalm 41

For the leader. A psalm of David:
How blessed are those who care for the poor!
When calamity comes, ADONAI will save them.
ADONAI will preserve them, keep them alive,
and make them happy in the land.
You will not hand them over
to the whims of their enemies.
ADONAI sustains them on their sickbed;
when they lie ill, you make them recover.
I said, "ADONAI, have pity on me!
Heal me, for I have sinned against you!"
My enemies say the worst about me:
"When will he die and his name disappear?"
When they come to see me they speak insincerely,
their hearts meanwhile gather falsehoods;
then they go our and spread bad reports.
All who hate me whisper together against me,
imagining the worst about me.
"A fatal disease has attached itself to him;
now that he lies ill, he will never get up."
Even my close friend, on whom I relied,
who shared my table, has turned against me.
But you, ADONAI, have pity on me,
put me on my feet, so I can pay them back.
I will know you are pleased with me
if my enemy doesn't defeat me.
You uphold me because of my innocence
you establish me in your presence forever.
Blessed be ADONAI the God of Isra'el
from eternity past to eternity future.
Amen.  Amen.



I read this last night and it made me think of what's been going on with me for the past year.  Some of my closest friends turned against me.  People I trusted a lot.  I've been very sick and when they turned on me I got sicker.  I'm not innocent in the matter, I have part to blame in the matter I will admit.  But I've asked for forgiveness already.  Whether they actually forgave me I don't know but I've done all I could do.  I've asked God to forgive me as well.  I know He at least forgives me.  I've asked God to have pity on me so many times.  I've told Him, "I can't handle much more of this!  You've gotta help me before it's too late!"  I even wonder at times those who have left me, would they even care if I took my own life.  Would they feel bad for causing my sickness to get worse?  Or would they be like, "Good riddance!"

God will heal me some day though, whether that day is in this life or in the next.  Some day I won't be sick anymore.  God sees the things people have done to me and will avenge me for it.  I have to focus on the things God has blessed me with instead of the things I no longer have anymore.  He has the power to give and take away.  So I need to be happy with what I have now, not focus on what's gone.

It Is Finished

I found this video and song to be very powerful and thought I'd write on the topic since Easter is just around the corner.



The world is a very sad and scary place to be in.  Even now, I just got out of the hospital on Sunday and a few days later I'm feeling depressed again.  There is so much despair in the world.  Sometimes it's hard to find any good in this world.  When we do find good in the world, we try so hard to hold onto it, but it eventually slips right through our fingers.  Is there really any hope for our deprived world?



Enter Jesus.  There was no hope for us until God decided to act.  He gave us chance after chance to change and warned us what would happen if we didn't change.  We still didn't listen though.  We were rebellious towards God.  So in order to save us, He acted.  He sent His son Jesus in the vulnerable form of an infant.  Jesus grew up and was tempted just like us, but he didn't give in.  He was innocent and perfect.  But he was a man who knew sorrow.  He knew pain.  He had compassion for people.  He healed the sick and the broken hearted.  He raised people from the dead!  But one of his friends betrayed him and he was mocked, beaten, tortured, spat on, and ultimately killed.  He died for our transgressions.  But on the third day he rose back to life!  Now there is hope for us!



I know this can be difficult to understand.  I often wonder "Would he want me?  Why would he die for someone as despicable as me?"  I've got physical scars all over my arms from cutting (five weeks clean now).  I'm full of emotional scars.  If I had been there, would Jesus have healed me?  Would he have wanted me to be with him?  Or would I be even too sick for him to care?  I've been rejected so many times, would he have rejected me too?



Maybe I'm the only person who wonders about these things.  But here's the thing, Jesus does want us.  If he didn't, why would he have died for all of us, even me?  Yes, I have scars, but so does he!  He understands our scars because he has them too!  How do I know this?  When Thomas saw Jesus after he came back to life, Jesus told him to touch where he had holes in his hands (and feet), and his side where he had been pierced by a spear.  These did not heal after he came back to life.  Jesus understands scars.  Jesus, a man of sorrow, knows what pain feels like, physical and emotional.  When his best friend Lazarus died, he wept.  When he was in the garden before being arrested, he sweat blood.  This is a real condition (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hematidrosis)!  He was in so much distress he sweat blood!  How many of us can say we've experienced that great of distress?



On the cross, the final words of Jesus were, "It is finished."  What did this mean?  The hold sin had on his followers was no longer there.  We were slaves of Satan but he no longer owned us, we were free in Christ!   When Satan tries to get ownership over us again, Jesus says, "No, they're mine!"  This does not mean we no longer sin.  God gave us free will and sometimes with that free will, we act out against God.  But He forgives us because of what Jesus did.  That is what Easter is all about.  Jesus not cleaning our slate, but breaking the slate all together so we can have a relationship with the all powerful God!  We were separated from God, but Jesus became the bridge that brings us back to God.



Our pain and suffering comes to an end when we are finally united with God.  But until then, sin is still in the world which means we're still going to experience pain, we're still going to experience suffering.  But we do not go through it alone.  Jesus understands and is with us through it all.  We are never alone.  That is what gets me through my depression.  Knowing Jesus is there with me and understands what I'm going through.