Codependency

 What is codependency?  Well, if you’re an addict, you most likely struggle with some form of codependency. If you grew up in a home where a parent was an addict or neglectful, you probably struggle with some codependency. If you’ve had to be a caretaker to a spouse, you’re probably codependent (notice I said caretaker and not caregiver). When the term originally came out in the 80s, it was attached to those who care for addicts. Now it is attached to a number of people. It is a very common, but deadly disease. That’s right, I called it deadly and a disease. Why? It destroys.

I struggle with codependency for a number of reasons. Codependency usually is something females struggle with because males usually learn independence from an earlier age. It often arises in children who depend on their parents, but for whatever reason, their parents were not their to provide the need. In some way that child was neglected. With that being said, the child learns to depend more on others for validation and becomes a people pleaser. The child was invalidated growing up by those they should’ve been validated by the most, so the child looks elsewhere. Codependent behavior is a learned behavior to help cope. Since it is learned, it can also be unlearned. It doesn’t become unlearned overnight though (wouldn’t that be nice if it were?). I’m going through a book on Audible right now called “Codependency No More.” It’s really good so far. I have struggled with codependency most of my life, only to worsen as I get older; with self fulfilling prophecies. “This person is going to leave me!” So I cling to them tighter until they suffocate and leave. “See? I knew they’d leave!” Codependency kills all types of relationships, as well as the self identity. You lose sight of your identity, what makes you, YOU; only to become who you perceive is what the other person wants you to be.

How do we beat codependency? I’m not sure it ever fully goes away, but like physical diseases, I believe it can be managed. I’m still learning, it’s still a struggle, however I think I’m getting better. For an example, I got married at 19 based on codependency. Now that I’m in the process of getting divorced, I’m enjoying single life for now. Sure it gets lonely, and sometimes that codependency creeps back in. I miss companionship, especially when I’m struggling with ptsd episodes alone. I hate I have to use my vape to cope, but it’s temporary until I can get some kind of animal to help me or go through trauma therapy (which I found out my current therapist possibly does so I will ask her about that this week). I figure I can’t be happy with another person if I’m not happy with myself first. I want to be my best self before I’m with someone else. So before I even think about getting in a relationship, I want to get better control of this codependency first. When I can be my true self around people, and accept myself for who I am - flaws and everything, I’ll be ready!

I’ve met people who are more codependent than I am, which to be honest I didn’t know was possible. Some people with codependency will physically get sick if particular people don’t talk to them for even one day! Luckily I haven’t gotten that bad yet. I may feel a bit sad, but I don’t physically get sick at least!

I think to get better control of codependency one of the key things is to see your value in Christ. You have to realize your identity and value doesn’t come from other people, it comes from Christ! Who He sees you as, who He made you to be, that is who you are! Not what man thinks of you! Jesus values you so much that He died the most painful death for you. When people jeered and mocked Him, saying “if you’re the Son of God, come down from the cross!” You know why He didn’t get down from the cross? You were on His mind. “I’m doing this for (insert name).” He could have gotten down, but He chose not to for you. Do you realize how powerful that is? You are so precious to Him that he was tortured and died for you! When I think about that, I think “who cares what people think of me! The God of the universe sees me as something so valuable and precious that He’d do that for me? Forget man!” That’s why even though I’d like to be with someone one day, I’m okay if I’m single. My value doesn’t come from being with someone, it comes from God! If God can see me as so valuable (more valuable than rubies), I must be something precious!

I notice the more I start to become comfortable with myself, the more confident (healthy confidence not arrogance) I become and I even want to take better care of myself for the right reasons. I don’t want to lose weight so a guy will like me, I want to lose weight so my body will be healthy and I live a longer life! Your value is in Christ and luckily, He sees you as very valuable. He doesn’t care how expensive the clothes you wear are, what your body looks like, what your hair looks like, if you talk more mature or how smart you are or how much money you make. None of that matters to Him. The heart is what matters to Him. Remember, despite how anyone else sees you, the King of Kings sees you as precious in His eyes! So who cares what man thinks of you? God bless!