Alone

I feel so alone......it feels unbearable......every time I bear my heart to someone, bad things happen......terrible things happen that break me into millions of pieces and kills me.  No one can handle my heavy heart......not one person can carry it with me.......I fight for people......I fight for them in their struggles......I go into battle for them when the enemy attacks them.......but who will go into battle for me when my demons attack me?  Who will fight for me on my behalf?  I have to fight the enemy alone......I have to face the world alone......

No......I don’t fight alone.  The saints fight for me on my behalf.  The angels fight for me on my behalf.  The Theotokos fights for me on my behalf.  Christ fights for me on my behalf.  Even though I can’t bear my heart to anyone in this world in this life, even though my heavy, fragile, glass heart is too much for everyone here, it’s not too much for those in heaven.

I often feel I’m cursed for having this bleeding heart of mine.  Perhaps it’s not a curse though.  I have a big, tender heart.  Though it’s fragile, it also endures.  It desires to help those who often cannot help themselves.  Those who the enemy targets to try to steal, kill, and destroy.  I cannot rescue people the same way God can, but I do take on others burdens.  I go into prayer and I fight for them on their behalf, never expecting anything in return.  That’s just how I am.  I won’t rely on other people to help me carry my heavy, fragile heart anymore though.  I will rely on those in heaven to help me carry it.  I will rely on Christ to help me continue to endure my endless pains.