Update 8/27/2018

In a couple weeks the catechism classes start at the Orthodox Church I've been going to.  I'm really looking forward to them; I think I'll learn a lot going to them.

Yesterday my husband and I were almost in a car accident again.  It would not have been our fault this time if the car had hit us.  It was really scary though.  I was almost t-boned again.  My husband barely missed getting hit.  It brought flashbacks from a couple months ago when we were t-boned.  Needless to say, I'm still afraid of cars, or maybe just Georgia drivers in general.  My knee still hasn't fully recovered from that accident, but it's getting better.

Lately Shiro (my cat) has been acting strange.  He's not the cuddling type, but every morning he cuddles with me for a while.  I really like that, but I can't help but wonder why he's doing that.  That's not normal of him.  He's playing with one of his toys at the moment, and I'm enjoying watching him do that.

Last week, I actually had a couple of good days without really having any episodes.  It was really nice.  My episodes can be quite draining on me.  I'm sure they can be draining on people around me too.  I always feel so alone in my struggles, like no one understands me.  If no one can understand my pain, how can they help me?  I'm so used to people abandoning me or insulting me, that it surprises me whenever anyone sticks by me or says something nice about me.  It's the reason why I don't accept compliments very well.  I've had so many years hearing the opposite, that I just can't believe anything nice anyone says about me.  I have a lot of false humility.  People have told me in the past that they thought I was humble, but I've always known I'm not humble.  I have a lot of self-hatred, and I have a lot of self-focus.  We often equate someone who is humble to not think highly of themselves, but what humility really is, is someone who doesn't have a lot of self-focus.  If you're like me and have a lot of self-hatred, it does not mean you are humble.  If you have a lot of self-focus, even if it's negative self-focus, that's false humility.

I've lost 13 lbs in three weeks (didn't lose anything last week though) and gone down one dress size!  I'm on a new diet a friend from Celebrate Recovery is helping me with.  I've cut out bread, potatoes, rice, and sweets.  It's been tough but worth it I think.  I'm going to be trying to do more walking.  I'm just hoping I'll be getting more energy.  I'm always so tired, and honestly, being on this new diet has made me even more exhausted.  I can barely make it to 8:30 at night!  I'm 28 years old, I should not be going to bed that early!

This weekend my husband is going to interview me on his podcast on suicide awareness.  It's going to be really difficult because I have no idea how deep he's going to want me to get.  I don't know what all he's going to want me to share.  I'm honestly really nervous about it.  I hope I'll be able to help people, even if it's just one person.

I've been going through the Apocrypha.  I've never read them before so I thought it'd be a good idea to go through them.  I'm currently reading Judith.  I recently finished Tolbit and really liked it.  I've been thinking about writing a blog on Tolbit, but I haven't really figured out what I would write about it.

That's about all I've got for now.

Deep Red

(I did not cut/self-harm at the time of this writing)

I'm falling apart....

My insides churn....

My mind betrays me.....

I can't even cry anymore.....

I'm tired.....exhausted from the war that goes on in my mind.....

It's a struggle to even get out of bed every day.....

So much darkness.....

I clench my fist......

I see a deep red, flowing down my arm.....

It's warm.....

I don't want to live like this, but there's so much darkness.....

Where is the light?

The darkness swallows me, and I can't escape......

I expect to feel a sting like every other time I do this, but there's no sting.  Have I become numb?

I look at my arm, there's no deep red.  It's still dripping down the blade though.  Did I hallucinate it all?

I press the blade against my arm as I prepare to do it again, but a hand touches mine....there's blood dripping down it.

I don't understand, why is this other hand bleeding but not my arm?

"You don't have to do this."

"I can't keep living like this!  It hurts so much!  I just want the pain to end!  I need some relief!  This is the only way I'll get any relief, even if it's only for a short time...."

"Rely on me."

I look at the hand dripping with blood and I see the cuts I had made, I actually cut this other arm.  How is that possible?  Why are my cuts on someone else?

"I-I don't understand...."

"You don't need to punish yourself anymore.  I took your punishment for you."

Suddenly, a tear falls from the corner of my eye.

"I can never forgive myself for my sins.....my sins consume me, and I have to pay for all of them."

"Which sin do you have to pay for that I have not already paid for?"

I pause for a moment....

"My birth.  I should've never come into existence.  I'm a curse to everyone around me.  A leech that sucks people dry.  A disease that won't go away."

"If you never should've come into existence, you wouldn't be here.  I would've never made you.  You would've never been a thought that came across my mind at the beginning of existence.  Indeed, from the very beginning of time, you were on my mind."

I look up at their face, and they smile.

"As for your real sins, I've already forgiven and forgotten them.  You don't have to punish yourself any longer."

"This-this is the light that I've been searching for so long.  He's been here all along." I thought to myself.

"You don't have to drown in darkness anymore.  Cry out to me and I will come to your rescue.  I will not let the darkness take you away from me."

I drop the blade.  I can't hold back the tears any longer.  I fall into His arms bawling my eyes out.  I finally have hope.

Laziness and Depression

I've been accused of being lazy many times by people and it's  frustrating.  I'm really not lazy (well, maybe a little lazy at times).  If you've been following my blog, you know I struggle with a lot of different mental illnesses, depression being one of them.  When my mental illnesses are acting up, they can be very crippling - to the point it's nearly impossible for me to get out of bed.  I'd rather just sleep my problems away and hope that I won't wake up one of these days.  It takes everything I have to just get out of bed every morning.  It takes everything I have to do just about anything.  Sometimes it's so bad I can't even eat (I have to force myself to even do that).  I'd rather not have to face my demons every day.  I'd rather just lay in bed and pretend that nothing matters.  I'd rather just numb everything.  It hurts - a lot; and when I get accused of being lazy when I am putting so much effort in just surviving, that just adds salt on the wound.  My mind is a VERY dark place to be.  I don't think most people could last even five minutes in my mind.  Lucky for them, they don't have to. Unfortunately, I live there 24/7.

Depression is a beast, and sometimes it seems impossible to beat.  Some people are able to with medications.  For other people it's temporary.  For some of us though, it's constant, and medication doesn't always work.  For me, I can't take antidepressants - they make my depression worse and I become even more suicidal.  So what do I do?  I go through A LOT of therapy and support groups.  Sometimes they help, other times I feel stuck.  Like I'm in this pit and I can't get out.  Like I'm drowning in darkness and despair, and I can't breathe.  I just want it to be over.  I just want it all to be over....

I'm not lazy, I'm heavily depressed.  It takes everything I have to not do anything drastic.  It often hurts to even just breathe.  Sometimes I can't do things most people can do, not because I'm lazy, but because I literally cannot make myself do them.  I spend so much energy trying to fight my demons that I have none left for anything else.  I'm nearly 28 years old and you know how exhausting it can be to fight?  I went to bed at 8:30 last night!  I may be an early bird when it comes to going to bed but not THAT early!  I am fighting a battle that often feels like a losing one.  Every day I go on living is a victory.  Every time I get out of bed is a victory.  If you can't see that, I don't know what to tell you.

If you struggle with depression and people think you're lazy, you're not alone.  They just don't understand what we go through.  Keep getting out of bed when you can.  Keep fighting those demons.  Keep living.  Don't give up.  No matter how difficult the battle is, no matter how much it hurts, keep going.