Send the Pain Below

So I've been hurting a lot lately.  So I thought I'd listen to this song.

I liked having hurt,
So send the pain below where I need it,
You used to beg me to take care of things,
And smile at the thought of me failing.

But long before, having hurt,
I'd send the pain below,
I'd send the pain below.

Much like suffocating,
Much like suffocating,
Much like suffocating,
(I'd send the pain below...)
Much like suffocating,
(I'd send the pain below...)

You used to run me away,
All while laughing.
Then cry about that fact,
'til I returned.

But long before, having hurt,
I'd send the pain below,
I'd send the pain below.

Much like suffocating,
Much like suffocating,
Much like suffocating,
(I'd send the pain below...)
Much like suffocating,
(I'd send the pain below...)
Much like suffocating.

I can't feel my chest,
Need more, drop down,
Closing in.

I can't feel my chest,
Drop down.

I liked, having hurt.
So send the pain below,
So send the pain below,
(Much like suffocating) [I liked]
So send the pain below,
(Much like suffocating) [Having hurt]
So send the pain below,
(Much like suffocating)
So send the pain below,
(Much like suffocating)
So send the pain below. 

The reason I've been feeling this song is because I really do feel like I'm suffocating.  This depression is choking the life right out of me.  I don't feel like I have much life left.  I'm hoping I'll be able to make it at least by the time I try some new medication (wish me luck when I try it).  Some people think I like being miserable, that it's "comfortable" for me.  It's not, I would much rather have peace.  I know a lot about depression because I've lived in it for so long it's pretty much all I know how to live.  But that doesn't make me comfortable in it, I would much rather experience happiness, which I'm not well experienced in.

Instead of internalizing this pain all the time though, I need to give it to God - let Him deal with it.  It's not an easy thing to do.  At recovery a few weeks ago the pastor talked about giving our life book to God and we often times think, "let me keep some of those chapters instead of you changing them."  I've definitely done this.  I don't like to give Him my book.  I have certain chapters I want to keep.  Some characters in my book I want to remain in the book.  But I've got to give God control and let Him do what He wants.  If He wants to take out certain chapters and certain characters, I've gotta let him.  I might be kicking and screaming about it but I've got to let Him do His thing.  He's the author of my book, He knows how my story is supposed to go and has a good ending for it too.  With this also, I can't be trying to end the book quicker than the author wants to.  It's not my job to end it, it's the author's choice.  With that being said, I need to stick it through and as much as Satan tells me I'm not good enough to live and I should end things I just need to say, "Up yours!" and keep living.