Brother

When I look into the face Of my enemy I see my brother I see my brother When I look into the face Of my enemy I see my brother I see my brother Forgiveness is the garment Of our courage The power to make the peace We long to know Open up our eyes To see the wounds that bind All of humankind May our shutter hearts Greet the dawn of life With charity and love

We sing this song at church from time to time, and last night I got to sing with the band at rehearsal one last time before moving next week. After such a hard week, it really made me feel great being able to sing with them again.

Anyway, some things happened this week that made it really hard. My husband was trying to reconcile with a friend who had greatly hurt me last year through e-mail. I'm not going to get into detail, but the response back from this friend was very negative and they said a lot of terrible things about me. My husband didn't want me to read the e-mail, but I snuck onto his computer and went ahead and read it. I was so hurt by it that I couldn't read the entire e-mail. It said things like THEY were victims of me. I was trying to manipulate them with my sadness and apparently I try to manipulate my husband too every time I look for a shoulder to cry on. They doubted my brain injury or even my Asperger's (which doctors are the ones who diagnosed me with those). THEY were friends with me because my husband asked them to. Even thinking I was trying to make the relationship into something that I never meant to turn it into. So many false accusations by people I trusted like family. People I thought were dear friends of mine. I went ahead and cut. It hurt so much, yet hardly any tears would fall. How could I have been fooled into thinking they actually cared about me? I was so suicidal my doctor had to put me on Xanax.

At the band rehearsal last night, we sang this song, and it's been going through my head today, especially tonight. I was doing okay today (provided the Xanax makes me really sleepy - I got up around 10am, ate breakfast, then went back to bed and got back up at around 1pm) until I had to share everything at Celebrate Recovery tonight. On the way home I started making my husband worry the way I was talking. As I was getting ready for bed and had to take another Xanax, this song came back to mind. I started singing the chorus until I found it on YouTube. I realized I needed to blog about this song.

All the people who have pretended to be my friends and then ditched me, I see them as enemies. But in reality, especially those in Christ, are my brothers and sisters. How can I have so much anger in my heart towards them when they are my brothers and sisters? So what if they ditched me when I needed them most? They are still my brothers and sisters.

Forgiveness is a hard pill to swallow, no matter how bad someone has hurt you. It takes courage and love to be able to forgive. Sometimes you never get to hear the words "I'm sorry" because something happened to them, or maybe they're just too arrogant. While you don't have to go up to them in that case and say, "I forgive you," you need to have the attitude of forgiveness. What this means is that in your heart you forgive them. If they ask for forgiveness then wonderful! Forgive them! But if they don't ask for forgiveness, forgive them anyway in your heart. This isn't something you only do one time though. Every time a memory comes back and hurts you, you have to forgive them again.

Matthew 18:22

"No, not seven times," Jesus replied, "but seventy times seven!"

We must always forgive no matter how many times it takes.

Mistakes

A year ago from yesterday, I made one of the most foolish mistakes I've ever made.  A year later I'm still suffering the consequences of that mistake.  I don't want to get into details of what that mistake was, it's quite irrelevant.  But at the time, I didn't think I made a mistake.  I was happier than I had been in a long time, until it bit me in the ass later on.  I'm not even sure if the people involved even forgive me.  They say they do, but some of their actions say the opposite.

What do we do when we make mistakes?  Sometimes we can move on quickly, other times we beat ourselves up for a long time.  We've got to be able to forgive ourselves and move on, even if other people don't forgive us.  I have a really hard time with forgiving myself for anything.  I can typically forgive other people easily, but when it comes to myself I don't.  Maybe because I care about other people and I don't care about myself.  I don't know.  They do say you're your worst critic, there's definitely some truth to that.

My husband reminded me once of the verse that says "Love your neighbor as yourself."  I told him that was easy for me except I hate myself.  He said according to the verse I need to love myself.

Hating yourself is false humility.  Humility is loving people as much as you love yourself but if you think you're being humble by hating yourself, you're wrong.  So forgive yourself for your mistakes and move on.  Moving on may take weeks, months, even years.  But it's vital that you do move on.  Even when you do move on, sometimes it'll come back to haunt you, and when that happens pray about it and go on with your day.  Don't let your mistakes cripple you.  Once you're in that pit it's hard to get out and no one wants to go down there with you.  They want to pull you out.

I'm With Meg

A friend of mine named Meg had a long battle with cancer and NF (http://www.nfnetwork.org/understanding-nf/what-is-nf).  She was one of the sweetest people I knew.  She was always positive and a fighter.  She loved children.  I knew her when I used to live in Virginia Beach.  We went to the same church.  After I moved I hadn't talked to her until I got Facebook.  Sometimes she would send me encouragement and that would lift me up.  She had a beautiful spirit.  I remember a picture she had on Facebook of her wearing a pink wig and I just laughed.  She liked having fun.

Yesterday, at 2pm, she passed away.  I didn't find out until last night.  Even though I hadn't seen her since I was in the 8th grade and hadn't talked to her in a while, it hit like a brick wall.  Another person I cared about lost the battle to cancer.  Everyone I've known who's had cancer has lost the battle except for one person and another person who's going through the battle right now.  I thought, "Why did Meg have to go?  She's such a great person.  I do nothing to contribute to society, I've tried to end my life three times, and yet I'm still here."  The weird thing is, even though Meg was a friend of mine, she was more of my mom's friend than mine and yet I was more emotional about it than my mom.  Maybe it's because I don't deal with death well.  Or maybe it's because it's a side of feeling overwhelming emotions that comes from having Borderline Personality Disorder.

The ironic part of this is I'm actually going to a talk at my church tonight about how to talk to someone who has lost someone through death.  It's often quite awkward I think because we really don't know what to say.  Meg was a strong believer in Christ so I know she's in Jesus' arms now; she's no longer suffering, but if I said that to her family it wouldn't comfort them.  I mean, it doesn't even comfort me!  It's like, "okay, yes she's no longer suffering but I want her here still.  I still want to be able to talk to her.  Why couldn't God just heal her?"  That's me, I can't imagine what her family must be going through or thinking now.  Because we don't know what to say, we usually say, "I'm sorry for your loss."  Is there really much more we can say?  I guess I'll find out tonight at the talk my church is giving.

I can be happy for her for where she's at now.  I can be happy for her that she's no longer in pain.  But it's still hard to think that she's not here anymore.  I can't make it to her funeral because of expenses.  But I look forward to the day I get to see her again.  My husband wrote on his blog about dealing with death today too if you want to read it (http://deeperwaters.ddns.net/?p=9122).  Meg, I'll always remember you, I look forward to seeing you again some day.  #imwithmeg

Update

This is a sort of update entry.  I went one week without cutting, then I cut one time.  I was going to cut again last week but the scissors were too dull to cut anymore.  So I've gone a week without actually cutting again.  Since I don't have anything to cut myself anymore (my husband refuses to get new scissors) I'm hoping I'll be able to make yet another week without cutting.  I'm hoping I won't get too desperate and do something like break glass to cut.  I've been getting suicidal lately.  But when I start really feeling that way I talk to someone first so I don't start making plans.  To calm down I guess.

I got in the mail today a bracelet from an anonymous sender.  It's a self-injury support bracelet.  It came with a couple encouragement cards like "Going one day is progress" or something like that.  I got a card and letter from one of my aunts today too that was encouraging.  Getting these things have encouraged me a lot and makes me want to stop cutting even more.  I really want to quit, though sometimes it feels like I'll never quit.  But I'm determined to quit.  Every time I do it I feel like I'm letting people down who are praying for me.  In reality I'm not just letting them down, I'm letting God down and I'm letting myself down.  I've got to quit.

Thanks to everyone who's been supporting me.  I really appreciate it and I'm trying really hard to quit cutting.  I know it's going to be a long road because I don't really know how to cope.  I've learned some other coping skills, though they don't seem to really help me.  But I'm going to keep trying until I can find a healthy way to cope that works for me.  Please continue to pray for me.  Thank you.

Already Over

The band "Red" does this song.  Here are the lyrics:

You never go
Your always here (suffocating me)
Under my skin
I cannot run away
Fading slowly

I'd give it all to you
Letting go of me
Reaching as I fall
I know it's already over now
Nothing left to lose
Loving you again
I know it's already over, already over now

My best defense, running from you
I can't resist, take all you want from me
Breaking slowly

I'd give it all to you
Letting go of me
Reaching as I fall
I know it's already over now
Nothing left to lose
Loving you again
I know it's already over, already over now!

You're all I'm reaching for
It's already over
All I'm reaching for!
It's already over now

I'd give it all to you
I offer up my soul
It's already over, already over now!

Give it all to you
Letting go of me
Reaching as I fall
I know it's already over now
Nothing left to lose
Loving you again!
I know it's already over now!
It's already over now!
I know it's already over, already over


There are two parts of this song.  According to the band it's about addiction (the first part) and then running to God (the second part).  As I have mentioned in a previous blog entry, I have an addictive personality, which means I tend to move from one addiction to another.  I used to be addicted to porn as a teen.  I moved from that to being addicted to eating (not an addiction to food, but the actual process of eating).  I still have this addiction plus another one - cutting.  Addictions are so hard to get over.  If anyone tells you it's easy, they're lying.  

How I got over my addiction to porn:
I got rid of the computer that was in my room and put it in a place other people could see what I was doing.  For a year I only went on the internet for school.  Other than that I stayed off the computer.  It was hard, especially cutting it out cold turkey.  I still struggle if it pops up on the computer, but now I can avoid it for the most part.  I can even click the little "x" button when it pops up, though sometimes it takes a while before I can do that.  It sort of paralyzes me when it pops up, but then when I come to my senses I can get rid of it.

How I'm dealing with my addiction to cutting:
I have symptoms of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and I guess it's really common for people with BPD to turn to cutting.  It's a way of releasing tension.  I get so overwhelmed with emotions I've got to let it out somehow.  I've been able to stop cutting for a week.  This was not easy though.  I talk to my husband and my mom for help and sometimes a couple of my friends.  I also try to distract myself like playing a video game or something.  Something that will help me get my mind off of whatever is causing me to be so emotional.  Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't.  But it's a work in progress.

How I'm dealing with my addiction to eating:
This one is the trickiest.  I don't HAVE to have porn to live.  I don't HAVE to cut to live.  But I HAVE to eat to live.  The trick is eating only what I need to eat.  Having the right portions, eating the right kind of food, etc.  I tend to eat way too big of portions and the wrong kind of things to eat.  I eat and eat and eat constantly.  I'm going to OA (Over eaters Anonymous) and when we move closer to my parents I'm hoping my mom can help me better with my portion sizes.

I go to both Over eaters Anonymous and Celebrate Recovery (I'm in the dealing with grief group).  I may end up switching to the codependency group.  They really do help with dealing with addictions.  They go by a Twelve-Step program and I'm at around Step 2 or 3.  It's going to take a while for me before I can get to the final step, but I'm ready to take a while if needed.  It's also got a Christian element to it and that helps a lot too.  You don't have to be a Christian to attend, but I can say at least for myself that the Christian element helps me a lot.

If we are going to conquer our addictions, we have to run to God.  We have to cling to his feet and allow Him to work in us.  I don't know how anyone can truly beat an addiction without Christ.  Maybe that's just me.  I mean without Christ, what's the point in quitting an addiction?  What else is there to run to?  What if you've already lost your family and friends and you're all alone in this?  Where else is there to go to when you've lost everything already?  But Christ doesn't leave us, even when it feels like it.  I know what it's like to experience the silence of God.  Every time I cut, I experience the silence of God more and more.  You'd think that'd make me quit wouldn't you?  It makes me WANT to quit, but it's hard to quit an addiction.  So what do I do?  I plead to God to help me through it and when I give in, I ask Him to forgive me.  I can't get over these addictions without Him.  I can have my friends and family support me, but it's going to take a miracle for me to break these addictions and God is in the business of miracles.

Out With the Old, In with the New

I made a realization last night around 1 in the morning.  I've been praying a lot and I haven't understood why God has been so silent with me.  It's made me think he doesn't want me anymore.  I know silence doesn't necessarily mean this, but it's been going on for quite a while and I'm so desperate for help.  As I was praying before I went to sleep, something occurred to me.  I haven't been reading my Bible, I haven't been listening to Christian music, and I haven't been going to church because I'm afraid of things that will trigger me.  But because I haven't been doing these things, could it actually be that I'm shutting God out?

You may say "You don't have to listen to Christian music or go to church to be a Christian."  That's true, but they help, a lot!  Christian music is encouraging and you need community which church offers.  It's important to have a community of people who support you and will worship God with you.  A community of people who will pray for you.  We are the body of Christ together.  The body can't function with just one part, you need the entire body to function.

I haven't exactly been listening to encouraging music lately.  I mean, I even set up a playlist called "Suicide" for in case I end up leaving this world by my own hands.  If I'm going to get out of this pit I'm in, I should probably listen to more encouraging music.

Reading my Bible...believe it or not this might be the most difficult for me out of the three.  Sure church and music can be triggers, but reading my Bible can also be a trigger, as well as I typically don't remember to do it.  I tend to tell myself, "I'm going to read it today" and end up forgetting about it completely until I'm going to bed.  So the next day I tell myself the same thing and the same thing happens again.  So whenever I remember to do it, instead of putting it off I should just go ahead and read it; it doesn't even need to be a lot of reading, a little bit would be okay.  As long as I actually do it!

So now I'm determined,  I'm going to read my Bible after I write this blog, I'm listening to Christian music as I write this, and if weather permits it I'm returning to church on Sunday.  I'm not going to put this off anymore.  Maybe God will still be silent after I do these things, I don't know.  But maybe he'll speak to me through these things.  Maybe this is my first step towards healing.  As a child of God these are things I need to do whether he speaks to me or is silent with me.  He doesn't owe me anything, but I owe Him everything.

My Demons

I just found this song yesterday and I really feel this song.

Mayday! Mayday!
The ship is slowly sinking
They think I'm crazy but they don't know the feeling
They're all around me,
Circling like vultures
They wanna break me and wash away my colors
Wash away my colors

Take me high and I'll sing
Oh you make everything okay (okay, okay)
We are one in the same
Oh you take all of the pain away (away, away)
Save me if I become
My demons

I cannot stop this sickness taking over
It takes control and drags me into nowhere
I need your help, I can't fight this forever
I know you're watching,
I can feel you out there

Take me high and I'll sing
Oh you make everything okay (okay, okay)
We are one in the same
Oh you take all of the pain away (away, away)
Save me if I become
My demons

Take me over the walls below
Fly forever
Don't let me go
I need a savior to heal my pain
When I become my worst enemy
The enemy

Take me high and I'll sing
Oh you make everything okay (okay, okay)
We are one in the same
Oh you take all of the pain away (away, away)
Save me if I become
My demons

Take me high and I'll sing
Oh you make everything okay (okay, okay)
We are one in the same
Oh you take all of the pain away (away, away)
Save me if I become
My demons

Some people think I'm crazy, but no one understands these feelings I have.  Not even I understand these emotions.  I'm surrounded by these feelings and I'm like prey to them.  They pick at my bones and tear off my flesh, leaving only my skeleton left.  

I can't help that I'm sick.  I'm getting sicker and I can't stop it.  Perhaps it's fate that I continue to get sicker.  I need help.  Whether it's my depression or my cutting, I need help because it's keeps getting worse.  I can't continue to fight a losing battle.

I'm my own worst enemy.  I need God to rescue me from my despair.  I often pray and ask God to not let me go.  I'm often afraid I'm just going to fade away in the wind.  I'm afraid I'm just going to walk away from Him.  I need Him to hold onto me as long as He can.

God can make everything okay if He chooses to.  Sometimes I wonder if he allows me to be miserable because maybe he's trying to teach me something through this; in which if that's the case I'm failing miserably.

My sickness is my demon.  It's my thorn.  Some day it will go away, I'm just afraid of what it might take for it to go away.....