The Day I Died

 The day I died

The day I died my heart bled oceans.

I took a bottle of pills and thought “never again will I feel this pain again!”

Feeling alone and forgotten by everyone I held dear to me, feeling as if God Himself forgot me too.

The day I died I laid in bed with my pillow drenched in my tears.

All I had consumed that day were white, chalky pills, which I had vomited some on the floor next to my bed.

I just wanted the pain to end....I just wanted to go home to where I really belonged...

The day I died I said goodbye and decided enough was enough.

Before I could have the chance to fall asleep, I was taken to the hospital.

I started choking on my vomit, so I was intubated.

The day I died, there was no one there to comfort me, no one there to hold my hand and tell me everything was going to be okay or that I was even loved.

I had no one but the doctor, nurses, and sitters to keep me company. All had abandoned me.

Hooked up to tubes and wires, no way a person is supposed to live like that....

The day I died I started wishing I had never said goodbye to anyone.

If I hadn’t said goodbye to anyone, I would’ve fallen into eternal sleep, never to feel that deep pain ever again.

How I hated once again I could not go into that eternal sleep!

I left the hospital, but my mind was gone and my heart was cold like ice.

Life was meaningless, life was worthless, and there is no more good or light in this world.

God was dead, and so was I.

The light in my eyes was gone, nothing but an empty shell of a person was left.

“Where are you God? If you’re there where the hell are you? You promised to always be there! You promised to never crush a bruised reed! You promised to defend the innocent! Where the hell are you?! Do you even hear my cries?! Do you even see my tears?! Where are you when the shadows of the night torment me?! Where are you when I fall out of bed at night from the terrors of night?! Where are you when flashes of my traumatic life come back in my wake and sleep?! Where are you when people falsely accuse me of wicked things?! Where the hell are you?! Because damn it if you’re there it feels like I’m all alone!”

The next morning someone sends me a long list of verses to read.

I’m hesitant, but I proceed.

I drop my phone.

Every verse is how God comes to our rescue.

God heard me. He heard my cries. He saw my tears. He saw my deep anguish and suffering. I knew then I was not alone, and never will be.

Little by little, life started returning to my dead bones, my rotting carcass.

Light began returning to my eyes.

My icy heart melted, with one made of soft flesh and warmth underneath. Though this heart is scarred, it still keeps beating a song for Christ.

God was not dead after all, and neither was I.

The day I came back to life, I was a new person.

Filled with love for God, determined to serve Him until everything in me was spent.

Determined to help others confused and suffering to find His light.

The day I came back to life, I realized He is the sun, and I am but a small moon that reflects his light in a dark world.

Life has meaning, life has purpose, and that is to bring glory to Him!

My life, which was filled with so much darkness, is filled with His light to share with the world!

The day I came back to life, joy returned to me.

A fire was lit inside me like never before.

Never again will I turn to the darkness again, I will be consumed by His light!

The day I died, I drowned in the ocean of my bleeding heart.

The day I lived, I drowned in the ocean of His blood and great mercy.

Codependency

 What is codependency?  Well, if you’re an addict, you most likely struggle with some form of codependency. If you grew up in a home where a parent was an addict or neglectful, you probably struggle with some codependency. If you’ve had to be a caretaker to a spouse, you’re probably codependent (notice I said caretaker and not caregiver). When the term originally came out in the 80s, it was attached to those who care for addicts. Now it is attached to a number of people. It is a very common, but deadly disease. That’s right, I called it deadly and a disease. Why? It destroys.

I struggle with codependency for a number of reasons. Codependency usually is something females struggle with because males usually learn independence from an earlier age. It often arises in children who depend on their parents, but for whatever reason, their parents were not their to provide the need. In some way that child was neglected. With that being said, the child learns to depend more on others for validation and becomes a people pleaser. The child was invalidated growing up by those they should’ve been validated by the most, so the child looks elsewhere. Codependent behavior is a learned behavior to help cope. Since it is learned, it can also be unlearned. It doesn’t become unlearned overnight though (wouldn’t that be nice if it were?). I’m going through a book on Audible right now called “Codependency No More.” It’s really good so far. I have struggled with codependency most of my life, only to worsen as I get older; with self fulfilling prophecies. “This person is going to leave me!” So I cling to them tighter until they suffocate and leave. “See? I knew they’d leave!” Codependency kills all types of relationships, as well as the self identity. You lose sight of your identity, what makes you, YOU; only to become who you perceive is what the other person wants you to be.

How do we beat codependency? I’m not sure it ever fully goes away, but like physical diseases, I believe it can be managed. I’m still learning, it’s still a struggle, however I think I’m getting better. For an example, I got married at 19 based on codependency. Now that I’m in the process of getting divorced, I’m enjoying single life for now. Sure it gets lonely, and sometimes that codependency creeps back in. I miss companionship, especially when I’m struggling with ptsd episodes alone. I hate I have to use my vape to cope, but it’s temporary until I can get some kind of animal to help me or go through trauma therapy (which I found out my current therapist possibly does so I will ask her about that this week). I figure I can’t be happy with another person if I’m not happy with myself first. I want to be my best self before I’m with someone else. So before I even think about getting in a relationship, I want to get better control of this codependency first. When I can be my true self around people, and accept myself for who I am - flaws and everything, I’ll be ready!

I’ve met people who are more codependent than I am, which to be honest I didn’t know was possible. Some people with codependency will physically get sick if particular people don’t talk to them for even one day! Luckily I haven’t gotten that bad yet. I may feel a bit sad, but I don’t physically get sick at least!

I think to get better control of codependency one of the key things is to see your value in Christ. You have to realize your identity and value doesn’t come from other people, it comes from Christ! Who He sees you as, who He made you to be, that is who you are! Not what man thinks of you! Jesus values you so much that He died the most painful death for you. When people jeered and mocked Him, saying “if you’re the Son of God, come down from the cross!” You know why He didn’t get down from the cross? You were on His mind. “I’m doing this for (insert name).” He could have gotten down, but He chose not to for you. Do you realize how powerful that is? You are so precious to Him that he was tortured and died for you! When I think about that, I think “who cares what people think of me! The God of the universe sees me as something so valuable and precious that He’d do that for me? Forget man!” That’s why even though I’d like to be with someone one day, I’m okay if I’m single. My value doesn’t come from being with someone, it comes from God! If God can see me as so valuable (more valuable than rubies), I must be something precious!

I notice the more I start to become comfortable with myself, the more confident (healthy confidence not arrogance) I become and I even want to take better care of myself for the right reasons. I don’t want to lose weight so a guy will like me, I want to lose weight so my body will be healthy and I live a longer life! Your value is in Christ and luckily, He sees you as very valuable. He doesn’t care how expensive the clothes you wear are, what your body looks like, what your hair looks like, if you talk more mature or how smart you are or how much money you make. None of that matters to Him. The heart is what matters to Him. Remember, despite how anyone else sees you, the King of Kings sees you as precious in His eyes! So who cares what man thinks of you? God bless!

Goals for 2021

Here’s a goal I have: after I’ve been a pretty good driver for a few years (and have a decent job), I’m thinking about getting a motorcycle 🏍 I’ve always really liked them so while I’m still somewhat young, why the heck not 😛 besides, I’m a leather jacket, leather pants type of girl anyway, so it’ll just give me an excuse to wear that stuff lol 😂 I’m not sure what kind of car I’ll drive, I guess whatever is affordable. I do like trucks though so maybe a pickup truck 🛻 or maybe a jeep eventually, I’ve always really liked Jeep Wranglers since I was a kid! It’s gonna be difficult to find a truck that’s got decent gas mileage on it though I think because I think often times they’re gas guzzlers (Hummers anyone?). I do like Hummers, but maybe if I were living on a ranch (which is a dream of mine, I want to rescue farm animals :) ) or something. I’ve got so many dreams I want to accomplish. Like I want to conquer some of my fears (cage diving with great white sharks, mountain climbing, etc - no skydiving for me though lol). I’m trying to train for running but it’s taking a toll on my body already. My arthritis and fasciitis has been really painful lately which has limited my working out. I’ve been walking about 18,000-21,000 steps a day so that’s good. I’m still working on coping with ptsd, I honestly probably need some trauma-based therapy which scares the hell outa me. My insurance doesn’t usually cover that though so until I’ve got a decent paying job I’m kinda stuck :/ for now I cope with a CBD vape (I use strawberry watermelon flavor which tastes like candy lol, next I’m gonna try mint mango). I find when I use it early enough during a ptsd episode, it helps a lot. So here’s my plan so far:

1) get a job

2) start drivers ed online (I’m signed up for this)

3) get two Guinea Pigs for emotional support animals so I don’t have to use my vape quite as often

4) work on paying for divorce

5) start paying for WiFi

6) save up for a new iPhone (I’m using a used 6s and the battery is terrible and eventually I’m gonna need a new phone), I’m thinking maybe getting an iPhone X

7) start paying for Amazon Prime again

8) start paying for Boxy Charm (makeup) monthly

9) continue getting healthier and losing weight (another 60 pounds for the next year!)

10) find a one bedroom apartment because it’s difficult to afford a two bedroom on my own (unless I find a roommate)

11) study Kierkegaard and some of the mystics in the Catholic Church

12) find an organization that does service dogs for non-military PTSD and start that process

13) go back to school (I haven’t decided what school yet, I had thought I wanted to go to cosmetology school, but I’ve changed my mind lol. I want to eventually go to seminary because I want to eventually work on helping people get out of the occult or prevent Christians from getting involved in it. It is infiltrating the Church and the Church does not address this enough!)

14) practice my bass guitar more

Once I start driving, I think my parents will probably help me with getting a car, if not:

1) get a car

2) find a church to call home

3) find a spiritual advisor

3) start taking salsa dance classes

4) start taking martial arts classes (always wanted to learn plus self defense is good for a woman in the Atlanta area)

5) start looking at property in Texas, I haven’t decided what part yet (except I’ve been told not Austin because there’s a lot of liberals there lol)

Things Aren’t As They Appear

 This is a different topic than I would normally write. Things are not always as they appear. I got on the scale this morning after not having weighed myself in a week and I gained a few pounds! I was quite upset about this at first because I’m trying to get healthier and lose weight. Then I looked in the mirror and I thought, “that’s odd, I look thinner, I feel thinner, even my calves are getting slimmer!” I remembered that muscle weighs more than fat does. I’ve been exercising a lot, and having a lot of protein. My eating for the most part has gotten much healthier and like yesterday I walked more than 21,000 steps! Surely I should’ve lost weight instead of gained! However, muscle weighs more than fat (if you’re working on losing weight, remember that the scale lies). I started to think how true this is in other aspects of life too. Things appear one way, when they’re really another way. As the saying goes “you can’t judge a book by its cover.” There’s always two sides of each coin. Often times people are lazy and will only get one perception on something. They get one point of view and then make a judgement on the situation from there. This is foolish, dare I even say wrong? If there is an argument between two parties and you only hear one side, you are going to judge the other party harshly and most likely incorrectly. This has happened so many times with me. People want to judge me based on what they’ve heard than what they know; they would prefer to assume the worst about me. If you’re going through that, don’t be afraid, you’re in good company! Look at the Saints! Look at the prophets! Look at the Apostles! Look at Jesus Himself! People were quick to judge them not based on things they knew, but based on things they heard or thought. If you are being persecuted, don’t fret, you’re not alone! Stay pure and continue to follow our great God! He will guide you and He knows what’s true even if others do not. I know it hurts, believe me, I’m in the same boat. But we can take great comfort that even if the world villainizes us, Christ knows the truth and one day, even if we have to wait until the next life, the truth will come out; and everyone who judged you wrongly will be weeping and ashamed of how they treated you, asking you for forgiveness. Then you can look them in the eyes, smile, and tell them you forgive them and embrace them. Lean on Christ to give you the strength and courage you need right now, He understands!

Valley of Slaughter

 “And they have filled this place with the blood of innocent children. They have built pagan shrines to Baal, and there they burn their sons as sacrifices to Baal. I have never commanded such a horrible deed; it never even crossed my mind to command such a thing! So beware, for the time coming, says the LORD, when this garbage dump will no longer be called Topheth or the valley of Ben-Hinnin, but the Vallet of Slaughter.”

- Jeremiah 19:4-6 (NLT)

What can we learn from this passage? Child sacrifices were being performed to the pagan god Baal in Israel. God was absolutely against this from the very start!

Today, we still perform child sacrifices, right here in the great USA. It’s not underground necessarily. It’s in shrines labeled “Planned Parenthood Women’s Centers” disguised as healthcare that actually cares about planning for families. Children are sacrificed to the god named Convenience. It’s not convenient to have kids right? We have the freaking American dream to fulfill first! We have our want to be irresponsible first with zero consequences! Why should we have consequences for our reckless behaviors? As soon as you take the pants off willingly you are saying at that moment “I’m ready if the time comes to be a parent!” But no, you’d rather sacrifice to the god of convenience - sacrificing not only your child, but your very soul! These “Christians” who say “God isn’t against abortion” speak blasphemy and are false teachers and unless they repent of this will burn in the lake of fire along with other false teachers and false prophets for teaching disgusting doctrine! If the US doesn’t repent of this horrible slaughtering we’ve done to innocent children we will pay dearly for it. No doubt about that. God is gracious yes, but He is also just and we can’t use ignorance as an excuse! There is no excuse and no saving us - a Valley of Slaughter unless we repent of this!

Now if you have had an abortion or taught this disgusting doctrine and are repentant of it, then do not fear, we serve a God who is gracious and forgiving! Turn from your sin and sin no more! That is what Jesus said to the woman caught in adultery. If you repent Christ Himself will wrap His arms around you and one day those children you sent to be slaughtered like lambs will hold you in paradise.  You will never have to feel the painful shame every time you hear a child’s laugh or a baby’s cry.  If we continue to sacrifice our children and teach false doctrine though, then God have mercy on us all!

What Does it Mean to be a Demisexual?

 Funny you should ask! Let me give a little backstory on my end first.

I started struggling with porn at ten years old, and most of the porn I watched was lesbian porn. I became a Christian at 14 and turned away from porn. I grew up thinking I was “straight” even though I would fantasize about being with guys and girls. I would find other people attractive, I had crushes like other people (Hugh Jackman and Jason Momoa anyone?). Though when it came to dating relationships, they were unsatisfying. The guys I wanted to be with either didn’t want me or were taken already. So I mostly dated just for the sake of not being alone. The guys I really wanted to be with, we’re guys I was already close friends with at the time. I remember even as a kid when I’d imagine marrying someone, I always hoped he would be my best friend first. Other than my porn issues, most of my fantasies were not sexual in nature, but cheesy romantic stuff. I would imagine cuddling on the couch watching a movie with a blanket on us. Or one of my cheesiest ones is facing my fears of cage diving with great white sharks (I love sharks but it doesn’t mean I wanna swim with them!). We’re in the cage together and we see these beautiful creatures swimming around us, and I say “wow, God sure is amazing!” And he says looking towards me, “Yea, He sure is!” I’m a total cheese ball!  Anyway, I always thought my general disinterest in sex was because of childhood sexual trauma, and the rare times my sex drive is painfully high is due to my previous porn addiction (11 years clean). In high school, I started to realize I was interested in some of my female friends. So I thought, maybe I was bisexual (again, I blamed the porn for that). I never dated any girls though because I knew God was against me doing so. It was tempting though. My sexuality seemed to be fluid, sometimes I was more heterosexual and other times I leaned more towards homosexual. This really concerned me after I got married. There was one girl I was close friends with and she was one of the most gorgeous girls I’ve ever known! We went to church together at the time. We were very close friends. She looked like she could be a Playboy Bunny honestly. Things got intense though. I remember we were getting ready one time for her bachelorette party. Her and two other girls started changing in her room while the guys were downstairs. I started freaking out. There was this primal beast in me that wanted to just let my flesh take over. I wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible, but I couldn’t because if I opened the door the guys would see them changing. So I just faced the door and was praying, begging God to help me, to get me out of there before I did something I’d regret. It happened another time with just her and me in her room. I begged God to get me out of there. God was faithful and helped me. It got so bad though, that I started to avoid her at church. I would be friendly if she approached me, but I tried to avoid her for a while and went to special therapy for it. It seems every time I’ve had a real sexual attraction to someone or was even “in love with someone,” they were always people I had a strong emotional connection with. If I didn’t have that strong emotional bond with them already, I wasn’t really interested.

So what does this mean? Think of sexuality as a door (this is how it was described to me). Heterosexuality would be a push door, you are pushing away the same sex to open up for the opposite sex. Homosexuality is a pull door, you are pulling towards you the same sex. Bisexuality is a double door, you can go either way. Pan sexuality is a revolving door, you can go ANY way. A sexuality is a wall, you’re generally not interested period. So what is demisexuality? Demisexuality is a subcategory of asexuality, it’s kinda a gray area. If you use the door example, demisexuals are a locked door. We’ve basically locked the door and thrown the key into the abyss of the sea. Someone has to find the key! It takes a really special kind of person to unlock that door. Even if someone finds the key, it doesn’t mean they’ll be able to open the door, but once someone is able to open the door, that love is really powerful. You know you are loved for beyond your looks, your brains, your personality, whatever. You are loved for YOU. As you are. Not who you once were. Not who you could be. Who you are now.

This explains why I’ve always wanted to be with close friends. Even if initially I wasn’t attracted to them, the closer I got to them I wanted to be with them. This also explains why I struggled to be with my husband sexually. I never felt connected with him emotionally. That’s not to say neither of us tried, it just wasn’t there sadly. This will make dating very difficult for me in the future. Today, most people would rather go on Tinder and hookup or date random strangers than best friends. That’s okay though, I’m in no rush to date again right now. I’m enjoying single life and taking care of myself. Getting to know myself better. After all, how can I be comfortable with another person if I’m not comfortable with myself first? For now, it’s just Jesus and me, and if it’s like that for the rest of my life, that’s okay too. He’s gonna love me better than anyone else ever will. Of course, this makes it difficult for me to have close friends too. I suppose when I do find someone some day, I will need to be more careful, and limit my interactions with close friends, and place really good boundaries with them to limit temptations. Realizing I’m a demisexual answered a lot of questions for me about myself....why I am the way I am with certain things. For now, my focus is on Christ, my first love. I suppose in time, He will bring the right person in my life, who knows. I used to think it was cheesy and stupid to say “I’m dating Jesus” and kinda irreverent. That’s what nuns and monks do though no? Date Jesus? I could be wrong. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being demisexual necessarily, it’s just be attracted to the emotional bond after all. However I suppose depending who that bond is with it could be challenging or even “wrong.” For example, after I get divorced, it’s not wrong for me to date a man I have strong emotional bond with. However, if I were to date a woman I have a strong emotional bond with, it would be wrong. Or if the man was married, that would be wrong. If we’re both single though, I don’t think there’s a problem there. It could be really nice! We already have established boundaries, already know each others strengths and weaknesses, yet love each other anyway! Have similar goals in life, similar dreams in life, similar passions in life, and both have a fire burning in our souls and hearts for Christ!Could be pretty amazing 😉. Anyway, that’s what I’ve got for you on demisexuality. I hope this helps! God bless!

 

Return to My First Love

 Hi, I’m sorta single....or in the process of it again. I’m 30 years old and married at 19. I married for all the wrong reasons.....things have not worked out and I have been separated since August and am in the process of getting divorced. I’ve learned a lot about myself in all this. For one thing, I found out I’m demisexual, which means I’m sexually attracted to those I have a strong emotional bond with. My husband and I did not have this. I never felt connected to him. I honestly felt forced into the marriage, however that’s another story.

I became a Christian at 14, and over the years I’ve dealt with a lot of traumas. I had a fire for God before I started college, after I started college and I started dating this manipulative and abusive guy (the guy before my husband), my fire started to dwindle. Over time that fire dwindled more and more....and I kept wanting it to come back.....but it was fading more.....I’ve struggled with my faith for many years.....with the trials of life tossing me in the sea back and forth violently. Life has not been kind to me. However, I’m grateful for my trials. They shape me into a stronger person, and I know somewhere out there, there is someone who will love me. Someone who will respect me. Someone we can serve the kingdom of God together. Now that I’m single again, that fire has returned and I’m so happy about it! I want to serve God with my life until everything in me is spent. Some day I will find someone who will want to do that with me.....we will fight the forces of darkness together, we’ll be Bonnie and Clyde but for the kingdom of Light! I still have my struggles, however God continues to bless me and strengthen me. My confidence doesn’t come from who I’m with, but in Christ. He values me more than anyone ever could, and He is my first love. My loneliness caused me to lose sight of my first love.....but I’ve returned to Him :) that’s my story anyway ^_^