In a couple weeks the catechism classes start at the Orthodox Church I've been going to. I'm really looking forward to them; I think I'll learn a lot going to them.
Yesterday my husband and I were almost in a car accident again. It would not have been our fault this time if the car had hit us. It was really scary though. I was almost t-boned again. My husband barely missed getting hit. It brought flashbacks from a couple months ago when we were t-boned. Needless to say, I'm still afraid of cars, or maybe just Georgia drivers in general. My knee still hasn't fully recovered from that accident, but it's getting better.
Lately Shiro (my cat) has been acting strange. He's not the cuddling type, but every morning he cuddles with me for a while. I really like that, but I can't help but wonder why he's doing that. That's not normal of him. He's playing with one of his toys at the moment, and I'm enjoying watching him do that.
Last week, I actually had a couple of good days without really having any episodes. It was really nice. My episodes can be quite draining on me. I'm sure they can be draining on people around me too. I always feel so alone in my struggles, like no one understands me. If no one can understand my pain, how can they help me? I'm so used to people abandoning me or insulting me, that it surprises me whenever anyone sticks by me or says something nice about me. It's the reason why I don't accept compliments very well. I've had so many years hearing the opposite, that I just can't believe anything nice anyone says about me. I have a lot of false humility. People have told me in the past that they thought I was humble, but I've always known I'm not humble. I have a lot of self-hatred, and I have a lot of self-focus. We often equate someone who is humble to not think highly of themselves, but what humility really is, is someone who doesn't have a lot of self-focus. If you're like me and have a lot of self-hatred, it does not mean you are humble. If you have a lot of self-focus, even if it's negative self-focus, that's false humility.
I've lost 13 lbs in three weeks (didn't lose anything last week though) and gone down one dress size! I'm on a new diet a friend from Celebrate Recovery is helping me with. I've cut out bread, potatoes, rice, and sweets. It's been tough but worth it I think. I'm going to be trying to do more walking. I'm just hoping I'll be getting more energy. I'm always so tired, and honestly, being on this new diet has made me even more exhausted. I can barely make it to 8:30 at night! I'm 28 years old, I should not be going to bed that early!
This weekend my husband is going to interview me on his podcast on suicide awareness. It's going to be really difficult because I have no idea how deep he's going to want me to get. I don't know what all he's going to want me to share. I'm honestly really nervous about it. I hope I'll be able to help people, even if it's just one person.
I've been going through the Apocrypha. I've never read them before so I thought it'd be a good idea to go through them. I'm currently reading Judith. I recently finished Tolbit and really liked it. I've been thinking about writing a blog on Tolbit, but I haven't really figured out what I would write about it.
That's about all I've got for now.
Monday, August 27, 2018
Thursday, August 16, 2018
Deep Red
(I did not cut/self-harm at the time of this writing)
My insides churn....
My mind betrays me.....
I can't even cry anymore.....
I'm tired.....exhausted from the war that goes on in my mind.....
It's a struggle to even get out of bed every day.....
So much darkness.....
I clench my fist......
I see a deep red, flowing down my arm.....
It's warm.....
I don't want to live like this, but there's so much darkness.....
Where is the light?
The darkness swallows me, and I can't escape......
I expect to feel a sting like every other time I do this, but there's no sting. Have I become numb?
I look at my arm, there's no deep red. It's still dripping down the blade though. Did I hallucinate it all?
I press the blade against my arm as I prepare to do it again, but a hand touches mine....there's blood dripping down it.
I don't understand, why is this other hand bleeding but not my arm?
"You don't have to do this."
"I can't keep living like this! It hurts so much! I just want the pain to end! I need some relief! This is the only way I'll get any relief, even if it's only for a short time...."
"Rely on me."
I look at the hand dripping with blood and I see the cuts I had made, I actually cut this other arm. How is that possible? Why are my cuts on someone else?
"I-I don't understand...."
"You don't need to punish yourself anymore. I took your punishment for you."
Suddenly, a tear falls from the corner of my eye.
"I can never forgive myself for my sins.....my sins consume me, and I have to pay for all of them."
"Which sin do you have to pay for that I have not already paid for?"
I pause for a moment....
"My birth. I should've never come into existence. I'm a curse to everyone around me. A leech that sucks people dry. A disease that won't go away."
"If you never should've come into existence, you wouldn't be here. I would've never made you. You would've never been a thought that came across my mind at the beginning of existence. Indeed, from the very beginning of time, you were on my mind."
I look up at their face, and they smile.
"As for your real sins, I've already forgiven and forgotten them. You don't have to punish yourself any longer."
"This-this is the light that I've been searching for so long. He's been here all along." I thought to myself.
"You don't have to drown in darkness anymore. Cry out to me and I will come to your rescue. I will not let the darkness take you away from me."
I drop the blade. I can't hold back the tears any longer. I fall into His arms bawling my eyes out. I finally have hope.
Thursday, August 2, 2018
Laziness and Depression
I've been accused of being lazy many times by people and it's frustrating. I'm really not lazy (well, maybe a little lazy at times). If you've been following my blog, you know I struggle with a lot of different mental illnesses, depression being one of them. When my mental illnesses are acting up, they can be very crippling - to the point it's nearly impossible for me to get out of bed. I'd rather just sleep my problems away and hope that I won't wake up one of these days. It takes everything I have to just get out of bed every morning. It takes everything I have to do just about anything. Sometimes it's so bad I can't even eat (I have to force myself to even do that). I'd rather not have to face my demons every day. I'd rather just lay in bed and pretend that nothing matters. I'd rather just numb everything. It hurts - a lot; and when I get accused of being lazy when I am putting so much effort in just surviving, that just adds salt on the wound. My mind is a VERY dark place to be. I don't think most people could last even five minutes in my mind. Lucky for them, they don't have to. Unfortunately, I live there 24/7.
Depression is a beast, and sometimes it seems impossible to beat. Some people are able to with medications. For other people it's temporary. For some of us though, it's constant, and medication doesn't always work. For me, I can't take antidepressants - they make my depression worse and I become even more suicidal. So what do I do? I go through A LOT of therapy and support groups. Sometimes they help, other times I feel stuck. Like I'm in this pit and I can't get out. Like I'm drowning in darkness and despair, and I can't breathe. I just want it to be over. I just want it all to be over....
I'm not lazy, I'm heavily depressed. It takes everything I have to not do anything drastic. It often hurts to even just breathe. Sometimes I can't do things most people can do, not because I'm lazy, but because I literally cannot make myself do them. I spend so much energy trying to fight my demons that I have none left for anything else. I'm nearly 28 years old and you know how exhausting it can be to fight? I went to bed at 8:30 last night! I may be an early bird when it comes to going to bed but not THAT early! I am fighting a battle that often feels like a losing one. Every day I go on living is a victory. Every time I get out of bed is a victory. If you can't see that, I don't know what to tell you.
If you struggle with depression and people think you're lazy, you're not alone. They just don't understand what we go through. Keep getting out of bed when you can. Keep fighting those demons. Keep living. Don't give up. No matter how difficult the battle is, no matter how much it hurts, keep going.
Depression is a beast, and sometimes it seems impossible to beat. Some people are able to with medications. For other people it's temporary. For some of us though, it's constant, and medication doesn't always work. For me, I can't take antidepressants - they make my depression worse and I become even more suicidal. So what do I do? I go through A LOT of therapy and support groups. Sometimes they help, other times I feel stuck. Like I'm in this pit and I can't get out. Like I'm drowning in darkness and despair, and I can't breathe. I just want it to be over. I just want it all to be over....
I'm not lazy, I'm heavily depressed. It takes everything I have to not do anything drastic. It often hurts to even just breathe. Sometimes I can't do things most people can do, not because I'm lazy, but because I literally cannot make myself do them. I spend so much energy trying to fight my demons that I have none left for anything else. I'm nearly 28 years old and you know how exhausting it can be to fight? I went to bed at 8:30 last night! I may be an early bird when it comes to going to bed but not THAT early! I am fighting a battle that often feels like a losing one. Every day I go on living is a victory. Every time I get out of bed is a victory. If you can't see that, I don't know what to tell you.
If you struggle with depression and people think you're lazy, you're not alone. They just don't understand what we go through. Keep getting out of bed when you can. Keep fighting those demons. Keep living. Don't give up. No matter how difficult the battle is, no matter how much it hurts, keep going.
Friday, July 20, 2018
One Year
It's been one year today since my childhood idol Chester Bennington took his life. When I first heard about it a year ago, my heart was shattered. If he couldn't overcome his obstacles, how could I overcome mine? There were 30% more calls to the suicide hotline than normally that day. I guess I wasn't the only one who thought if he couldn't overcome his obstacles, I probably couldn't either. In his last album he recorded with Linkin Park, I wish he had listened to the lyrics to his song "One More Light." If he had realized that there are people who loved him (and I don't mean just his fans, but his friends and family too), would he have stayed? See, depression is tricky - it lies to us. It tells us we're completely alone. It tells us no one loves us. It tells us no one understands us. It tells us that we're failures no matter what we do.
Do I feel suicidal still? Sometimes. But I've chosen not to give into it and go through with it since the car accident. I do understand feeling depressed. I understand how living with mental illnesses can be a living hell. I understand feeling desperate to escape, and feeling like the only way out is through death. But it won't accomplish anything good. Suicide doesn't get rid of the pain, it transfers it.
I think we need to change how we report suicide though. The media is very good with giving details on how a person died. Whenever they've reported on a suicide, they don't just say "died by suicide." They give the details on how that person killed themselves. This can be a trigger for people who struggle with suicidal ideations. Instead of giving the details, just report that the person has passed. If you must report that it was a suicide, just leave it at that, they died by suicide. Don't give the details on how the person killed themselves.
If you are feeling suicidal, please, talk to someone about it. Your life is precious, even if your depression tells you differently.
Do I feel suicidal still? Sometimes. But I've chosen not to give into it and go through with it since the car accident. I do understand feeling depressed. I understand how living with mental illnesses can be a living hell. I understand feeling desperate to escape, and feeling like the only way out is through death. But it won't accomplish anything good. Suicide doesn't get rid of the pain, it transfers it.
I think we need to change how we report suicide though. The media is very good with giving details on how a person died. Whenever they've reported on a suicide, they don't just say "died by suicide." They give the details on how that person killed themselves. This can be a trigger for people who struggle with suicidal ideations. Instead of giving the details, just report that the person has passed. If you must report that it was a suicide, just leave it at that, they died by suicide. Don't give the details on how the person killed themselves.
If you are feeling suicidal, please, talk to someone about it. Your life is precious, even if your depression tells you differently.
Sunday, July 15, 2018
Update 07/15/2018
Hey y'all, I have some updates (I haven't written in a couple months/since the car accident).
My husband has a new car thanks to my parents. My dad gave my husband his car (thanks mom and dad!) and we love it! It's got duel temperature change in it, which my husband is very pleased to have. I tend to freeze my husband in the car so now I can live in the arctic and he can live in the desert in the car, lol 😂
We are still working on my medications. I developed a new unpleasant side effect with my medications - restless legs syndrome. I'm pacing back and forth nearly all day, every day. It got to the point where I couldn't really sleep at night because no matter how exhausted I am, my legs feel like they have to keep moving. It's gotten a little better now though. I'm still pretty restless during the day, but my legs are starting to calm down at night (thank God!).
I don't know how well this is going to go to share this, but I'm going to share anyway.....
For a while now (the past few months especially), I've had an emptiness feeling. We've gone to a good church for the past few years. There's nothing wrong with our church really. The people are also very kind and welcoming. Unfortunately, there's a couple of things. I've been feeling like I'm missing something in my faith. I haven't completely figured out what exactly it is I'm missing, but I'm on a journey to figuring out what it is I'm missing. There's nothing wrong with the preaching, don't get me wrong. But I don't feel like I'm really being "fed" anymore. I'm not really learning anything anymore. On top of that, I can't really serve at the moment. Mentally-wise, I'm too "sick" still to do much serving. I hate to say also, some of my passion I used to have for God has gone away (maybe that's what I'm missing?). I'm working on getting that passion back though. In my journey of finding what it is I'm lacking in my faith, I've been exploring Catholicism and Eastern Orthodoxy. My husband is researching as well, though we're different in this. There's a strong possibility I could convert to Eastern Orthodoxy, while with my husband it isn't as likely he'll convert. We've started going to a Greek Orthodox Church every other week for liturgy on Sundays, and we try to make it for their Wednesday night services too. In September, we'll be attending catechism classes. It's definitely a different experience than what I'm used to going to, but it's different in a good way I think. The first time I went to their liturgy service, I was nearly moved to tears. It was absolutely beautiful. I don't know what it is, but I feel like whatever it is I'm missing in my faith, I'm going to find it here. While emotionally I'm still experiencing a rollercoaster of emotions, it's been helping me somehow. I feel calmer, and when I start struggling, I try to recite the Jesus Prayer ("Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner") over and over and usually, it actually helps! I know it may upset some people that I might not be Protestant anymore, but I'm still a Christian. I'm still following Christ! I just might be differently than some of you. I have a couple icons and a prayer bracelet. For my birthday(which is coming up in a month), I'm hoping to get the Orthodox Study Bible, as well as my favorite Jesus icon (Jesus Christ, the Good Shepherd icon). I think the Study Bible might help me learn more about Orthodoxy too. I've been doing some reading, talking to some people about it, and watching videos about it as well. I listen to a lot of the chants on YouTube throughout the day too. It helps me focus more on God and calms me. I actually find myself looking forward to going to church now, which hasn't been for a while. I have nothing against the church we went to before. On the contrary, I loved that church. They were really good to my husband and me. If someone asked me to recommend a church to go to, it would be one of the ones I'd recommend. I guess I'm just changing. But change can be good sometimes too 😌
That's all I've got for now. Peace be with you!
Friday, May 25, 2018
New Perspective on Life
It's been an interesting week. My medications still aren't working and my suicidalness has been getting worse. Over the weekend, I wanted to jump out of the car and off a bridge or into a semi. I even thought about drowning myself in the bathtub or in the swimming pool. Monday, I ended up cutting myself after almost nine months being sober from it. It's a bit of a bummer I won't be able to get that nine month chip next week, but as they say I've gotta just "keep coming back" to Celebrate Recovery.
Yesterday, I saw a therapist which helped some. Afterwards, my husband and I were heading to Wal Mart. We had to make a left turn and our light was a caution one (excuse my poor grammar, it's 5 am and I've hardly had any sleep). He thought the driver in the other lane was letting us go, so he proceeded to make the left turn. He didn't see the truck in the lane next to it though. I saw the truck as we were turning though. It all happened in slow motion from my perspective, until we were hit. We were t-boned and the impact was on my side of the vehicle. There was broken glass everywhere, including all over me. My knee had actually made an indent in the glove compartment. I felt like I had blood on my knees. The airbags went off and as the car settled, I couldn't breathe and I was sorta out of it. I thought maybe I had been stabbed in the chest by glass because I was in so much pain and I couldn't breathe. I couldn't really move either. I thought I was going to die. When the impact happened, I was at peace. Afterwards though, I was sorta scared about dying. I was worried about my husband. I was afraid if I died, he would never forgive himself. I wanted to go to sleep but I kept telling myself in my head, "Don't go to sleep." I didn't know how bad my injuries were. I was worried about my husband's back though; he has scoliosis and has a steel rod in his back. He managed to be able to get out of the car and walk around a bit. My door was jammed though. The fire department had to cut my door off the car to get me out. Our car key broke too, so we couldn't turn the car off. I had to have help getting out of the car. It hurt just to breathe. The EMT helped me walk to the ambulance and my husband was there waiting for me. As I got out of the car, I saw I wasn't bleeding. I had some cuts, but no blood. They put me on a stretcher and into the ambulance. My husband was laying on the bench next to me. I think they were concerned about his back too because they had to strap him down to make sure he didn't move on the ride to the hospital. I saw how bad our car looked (it was a Honda Civic) and I knew, we were lucky our injuries weren't as bad as they could've been. I also knew that if I hadn't had my seatbelt on, I most likely would've died because I would've been catapulted out of the car. Glass was all over in the car and outside. It was in my hair, on my clothes, even in my shoes and socks! I usually wear sandals (it's nearly summer atm), but I chose to wear sneakers. If I had worn sandals, my feet would've been a lot worse off. While they were cutting the door off on my side of the car, I actually found myself thanking God that I hadn't died, weird since I've been so suicidal right? There had been smoke coming out of our car, and I was afraid the car was going to explode or something. I've never been in a big accident before, so I wasn't really sure what to expect.
As we were heading to the hospital in the ambulance, I called both my husband and my parents and let them know what happened. I told my mom which hospital we were heading to. My husband kept talking and talking and I was trying to process everything (and I was still a bit out of it). I wanted to tell him to just shut up for a minute, lol. I knew it was how he was trying to process things though, so I let him talk.
We get to the hospital and they tell us that we have to be in separate rooms. I knew my husband wasn't happy about that, especially since he was so worried about me. They get me in the bed and as they were helping me dress in the hospital gown, they asked if I had the welts on my right side before - I hadn't had them before. My breathing, though it still hurt, was beginning to get a little better. I was glad they didn't have to give me an IV (I hate those things). They did some x-rays. They checked my right foot, my right knee, and my chest. Everything came back as normal - no broken bones, though I did have soft-tissue injuries. There was glass still in my hair, the dr found some in my back, and in my knee. They weren't big pieces though, just small shards. My husband kept having nurses come check on me. They said I was going to have some pretty bad bruising, but other than that, I was well enough to be discharged. I couldn't really walk still though, so they put me in a wheelchair. They rolled me off into my husband's room. He had been okay too, though they kept him a little longer than me because they were worried about his ribs. I was relieved his back was okay. His knee was skinned up more than mine though - his knee actually did bleed. When I got in his room, he started crying. He was afraid of what could've happened to me. I kept trying to reassure him that I was still there though. He kept apologizing and I told him I wasn't upset with him. The dr said for the next few days we're going to feel like we have the flu (I think because of the achy-ness).
We were discharged, and I had to be wheeled off to my mom's car; my husband walked to it though (slowly). While we were in the car, my mom took us to Subway to get some sandwiches (I needed to take my psych meds as soon as possible and I need food in order to take them). It was difficult getting in and out of her car. I also noticed I had a little anxiety in the car, especially when we'd make left turns. It wasn't a panic or anything, but it was just a little bit of anxiety. We got home and our apartment is on the third floor. I was not thrilled to have to climb up the steps. We managed to be able to get up to our apartment though without needing any help. The first thing I did was see Shiro (our cat) and I was thankful he wasn't in the car. Then I went to get a quick shower to get all the glass out. There was still glass in my shoes and socks. My purse strap had ripped off too so I'm going to have to get a new one. The shower actually didn't hurt as bad as I thought it would. I had to have some help getting dressed though. Moving my knee and bending over hurts a lot. The left side of my chest is pretty much completely blue and purple. My breathing was much better too, though it still hurt to breathe. My stomach started to hurt too. I had really bad nausea after the accident, but the nausea was getting better. My mom came back after picking up our prescription (some pain meds), some ice packs, and a few groceries. She helped us put some laundry in the dryer too. My mom was a lot of help and we're grateful for that.
When we had gotten to the hospital, I had posted on Facebook that we had been t-boned and were in the hospital, but we were okay. I got a lot of comments and text messages that people were praying for us and they were checking if we were okay. It really touched me that people were worried about us. We were lucky our injuries weren't worse considering how bad off our car was. I'll tell you what though, my husband and I like Honda's now for sure!
It's been a rough night; been waking up just about every hour (both of us). We've been in a lot of pain and have a really hard time getting comfortable. I normally lay on my side because it's easier to sleep that way when you're as heavy as I am, but I've been having to lay on my back because both sides hurt. I bit my tongue in two places in the accident. I had lost some feeling in those places but I did get the feeling back for the most part - they hurt though lol. We're going to have to get a new car though; our car was totaled.
After the accident, I'm actually thankful I survived, and with very minor injuries. Sure it hurts to breathe and walk, and even just laying down, but it's better than what could've happened. We were blessed to not be worse off than we are. I actually haven't had any nightmares, though I think that's because I haven't really had any deep sleep either. I keep seeing that truck about to hit us though over and over again. It was as if it were in slow motion, but once we were hit everything happened so quickly. I was surprised our glasses hadn't broken either. I was also glad that the other two people in the truck were okay (though they were injured too. I don't know much beyond that though because they were taken to a different hospital). Legally, it was our fault, so we have a ticket and a court hearing sometime shortly after my birthday in a couple months.
I think I have a new perspective on life (or at least, at the moment I do). Life really is precious, and I've always believed that, but now, maybe mine is too. I easily could've died or at least been seriously injured, but I wasn't. I guess God really was looking out for us. My brain is a bit frazzled. I'm having a difficult time remembering things (though I remember the accident VERY well). Again, it could've been much worse.
Thank you everyone who were checking on us and praying for us. It's much appreciated.
Yesterday, I saw a therapist which helped some. Afterwards, my husband and I were heading to Wal Mart. We had to make a left turn and our light was a caution one (excuse my poor grammar, it's 5 am and I've hardly had any sleep). He thought the driver in the other lane was letting us go, so he proceeded to make the left turn. He didn't see the truck in the lane next to it though. I saw the truck as we were turning though. It all happened in slow motion from my perspective, until we were hit. We were t-boned and the impact was on my side of the vehicle. There was broken glass everywhere, including all over me. My knee had actually made an indent in the glove compartment. I felt like I had blood on my knees. The airbags went off and as the car settled, I couldn't breathe and I was sorta out of it. I thought maybe I had been stabbed in the chest by glass because I was in so much pain and I couldn't breathe. I couldn't really move either. I thought I was going to die. When the impact happened, I was at peace. Afterwards though, I was sorta scared about dying. I was worried about my husband. I was afraid if I died, he would never forgive himself. I wanted to go to sleep but I kept telling myself in my head, "Don't go to sleep." I didn't know how bad my injuries were. I was worried about my husband's back though; he has scoliosis and has a steel rod in his back. He managed to be able to get out of the car and walk around a bit. My door was jammed though. The fire department had to cut my door off the car to get me out. Our car key broke too, so we couldn't turn the car off. I had to have help getting out of the car. It hurt just to breathe. The EMT helped me walk to the ambulance and my husband was there waiting for me. As I got out of the car, I saw I wasn't bleeding. I had some cuts, but no blood. They put me on a stretcher and into the ambulance. My husband was laying on the bench next to me. I think they were concerned about his back too because they had to strap him down to make sure he didn't move on the ride to the hospital. I saw how bad our car looked (it was a Honda Civic) and I knew, we were lucky our injuries weren't as bad as they could've been. I also knew that if I hadn't had my seatbelt on, I most likely would've died because I would've been catapulted out of the car. Glass was all over in the car and outside. It was in my hair, on my clothes, even in my shoes and socks! I usually wear sandals (it's nearly summer atm), but I chose to wear sneakers. If I had worn sandals, my feet would've been a lot worse off. While they were cutting the door off on my side of the car, I actually found myself thanking God that I hadn't died, weird since I've been so suicidal right? There had been smoke coming out of our car, and I was afraid the car was going to explode or something. I've never been in a big accident before, so I wasn't really sure what to expect.
As we were heading to the hospital in the ambulance, I called both my husband and my parents and let them know what happened. I told my mom which hospital we were heading to. My husband kept talking and talking and I was trying to process everything (and I was still a bit out of it). I wanted to tell him to just shut up for a minute, lol. I knew it was how he was trying to process things though, so I let him talk.
We get to the hospital and they tell us that we have to be in separate rooms. I knew my husband wasn't happy about that, especially since he was so worried about me. They get me in the bed and as they were helping me dress in the hospital gown, they asked if I had the welts on my right side before - I hadn't had them before. My breathing, though it still hurt, was beginning to get a little better. I was glad they didn't have to give me an IV (I hate those things). They did some x-rays. They checked my right foot, my right knee, and my chest. Everything came back as normal - no broken bones, though I did have soft-tissue injuries. There was glass still in my hair, the dr found some in my back, and in my knee. They weren't big pieces though, just small shards. My husband kept having nurses come check on me. They said I was going to have some pretty bad bruising, but other than that, I was well enough to be discharged. I couldn't really walk still though, so they put me in a wheelchair. They rolled me off into my husband's room. He had been okay too, though they kept him a little longer than me because they were worried about his ribs. I was relieved his back was okay. His knee was skinned up more than mine though - his knee actually did bleed. When I got in his room, he started crying. He was afraid of what could've happened to me. I kept trying to reassure him that I was still there though. He kept apologizing and I told him I wasn't upset with him. The dr said for the next few days we're going to feel like we have the flu (I think because of the achy-ness).
We were discharged, and I had to be wheeled off to my mom's car; my husband walked to it though (slowly). While we were in the car, my mom took us to Subway to get some sandwiches (I needed to take my psych meds as soon as possible and I need food in order to take them). It was difficult getting in and out of her car. I also noticed I had a little anxiety in the car, especially when we'd make left turns. It wasn't a panic or anything, but it was just a little bit of anxiety. We got home and our apartment is on the third floor. I was not thrilled to have to climb up the steps. We managed to be able to get up to our apartment though without needing any help. The first thing I did was see Shiro (our cat) and I was thankful he wasn't in the car. Then I went to get a quick shower to get all the glass out. There was still glass in my shoes and socks. My purse strap had ripped off too so I'm going to have to get a new one. The shower actually didn't hurt as bad as I thought it would. I had to have some help getting dressed though. Moving my knee and bending over hurts a lot. The left side of my chest is pretty much completely blue and purple. My breathing was much better too, though it still hurt to breathe. My stomach started to hurt too. I had really bad nausea after the accident, but the nausea was getting better. My mom came back after picking up our prescription (some pain meds), some ice packs, and a few groceries. She helped us put some laundry in the dryer too. My mom was a lot of help and we're grateful for that.
When we had gotten to the hospital, I had posted on Facebook that we had been t-boned and were in the hospital, but we were okay. I got a lot of comments and text messages that people were praying for us and they were checking if we were okay. It really touched me that people were worried about us. We were lucky our injuries weren't worse considering how bad off our car was. I'll tell you what though, my husband and I like Honda's now for sure!
It's been a rough night; been waking up just about every hour (both of us). We've been in a lot of pain and have a really hard time getting comfortable. I normally lay on my side because it's easier to sleep that way when you're as heavy as I am, but I've been having to lay on my back because both sides hurt. I bit my tongue in two places in the accident. I had lost some feeling in those places but I did get the feeling back for the most part - they hurt though lol. We're going to have to get a new car though; our car was totaled.
After the accident, I'm actually thankful I survived, and with very minor injuries. Sure it hurts to breathe and walk, and even just laying down, but it's better than what could've happened. We were blessed to not be worse off than we are. I actually haven't had any nightmares, though I think that's because I haven't really had any deep sleep either. I keep seeing that truck about to hit us though over and over again. It was as if it were in slow motion, but once we were hit everything happened so quickly. I was surprised our glasses hadn't broken either. I was also glad that the other two people in the truck were okay (though they were injured too. I don't know much beyond that though because they were taken to a different hospital). Legally, it was our fault, so we have a ticket and a court hearing sometime shortly after my birthday in a couple months.
I think I have a new perspective on life (or at least, at the moment I do). Life really is precious, and I've always believed that, but now, maybe mine is too. I easily could've died or at least been seriously injured, but I wasn't. I guess God really was looking out for us. My brain is a bit frazzled. I'm having a difficult time remembering things (though I remember the accident VERY well). Again, it could've been much worse.
Thank you everyone who were checking on us and praying for us. It's much appreciated.
Wednesday, May 9, 2018
Heavy
Here's how I'm feeling....
* Trapped
* Stuck
* Empty
* Heavy Burdened
* Worthless
* Everything is Pointless
* A Burden for Everyone
* Giving Up
* Depressed
* Paranoid
* Tired
* Stressed
* Lonely
* Sick
I don't really know how I'm going to get past all this, or even if I'm going to get past them. I'm trying to hold on, I'm trying to fight for my life, but I feel it's a losing fight. I just want it all to end - all the pain. I'm tired of feeling the list above. I just want some relief. Is it so much to ask for? I feel like God has turned away from me, though I know He hasn't. It's as if he doesn't hear my cries for help, or see the tears I cry. Every. Single. Day. My life is a wreck. I'm a prisoner in my head. It's a dark place to be, and if I'm left there alone for too long, I won't make it. Yet I can't seem to be able to get out of my head. I don't know what I'm going to do. I feel like I'm going to have to wear a mask because no one can handle me anymore. I guess all I can do is keep fighting....no matter how weak I feel.
God have mercy on me....
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