The Life of an Addict

What is it like being an addict?  Well, I can't really speak for anyone other than myself, so I guess I'll tell you what it's like for me as an addict.

First, I have an addictive personality.  What I mean by this is I tend to go from one addiction to another.  I can't seem to be able to break the addiction cycle.  I might be able to beat one addiction, but then I just end up becoming an addict to something else.  Everyone's story is different - some may become addicted to something due to peer pressure, others it's a coping mechanism, and there are a hundred other reasons they could have started.  We never get into something and think, "Ya know, I think I want to become addicted to (fill in the blank), I think I'll get started on that today."  No way!  We think, "I can stop this any time I want" - not realizing that, that's the beginning of an addiction.  Again though, I'm going to say how it is for me, not other people because we're all different.

My addictions didn't really start until I was a little before a teenager (pre-teen?).  Before that I had obsessions with things like Pokemon or learning about animals, but I wouldn't necessarily say they were addictions.  My first addiction started when I got some junk mail with my very first email account (I still remember the email address).  I'm sure you can probably guess what it was of.  It intrigued me, and I began to actively look it up.  I got around my parents security on my computer and was looking it up.  I don't completely know why.  I've had some ideas why I got into it, but completely knowing what caused it, I don't know.  Maybe it's because I was at the age where my sexuality was starting to develop.  Maybe I was looking for something I didn't think I was getting from others, I really don't know.  I would spend a lot of time on the computer looking it up, among other things, every day.  It wasn't until I was fourteen when I really stopped.  I became a Christian at my first missions trip and I realized I really needed to stop.  So I told my parents and quit completely.  We moved my computer out of my room and into an open room so my family could check in on me.  I also mainly used the internet for school for about a year.  I also registered with XXXChurch for extra help, where I used a free program they had (I believe it costs money now though) where I had accountability partners.  If I went to any websites that had porn in them, it would get emailed to my accountability partners.  If I remember correctly, I chose a couple of my youth leaders and I think my mom as my accountability partners.  I'm not going to lie, it wasn't easy, but it was for me easier to get a handle on than my other addictions.  Today I don't actively look it up anymore.  Sometimes it pops up on my computer, and when that happens, I sorta freeze for a several seconds - like deer caught in the headlights; until it finally registers in my brain, "You see that red "x" in the top corner?  You can click that!"  Could I get back into it?  I'm sure I could.  That's the thing about addictions, I don't think you completely get over it (though I have heard stories of people losing the desire for that addiction).  An alcoholic can develop a control where they aren't dependant on a drink anymore; but if they were to have one drink again, the cycle begins again.

In 10th grade, I developed a new addiction - self harm (cutting specifically).  I remember it was around Valentine's Day.  I had started a new medication and I was really depressed.  I had a bad reaction to the medication though - it got me thinking really weird things.  I mean, I hate pain - physically and emotionally.  For some reason though, I turned to cutting.  I did it for three days until my mom caught me.  She was asking why I was all of a sudden wanting long sleeve shirts (I've always pretty much worn short sleeve shirts all year long).  I'm a horrible liar, so I showed her my arms.  She was really shocked of course.  I ended up having to go the mental hospital for a few days (my first admission into a mental institute).  I stopped for a while, but I never completely stopped.  Every now and then I would start it again, and then I'd stop.  It was't until a few years ago where it started getting really bad.  I kept doing it more and more often due to being severely depressed and going through abuse (not by family or my husband), which I've talked about in previous entries here.  It went monthly, then weekly, then about three times a week.  I then realized, "I've got to quit.  This is getting out of hand."  Since then I've tried to quit, and I'll go several months clean, but then I end up giving in again.  Since I've started going back to Celebrate Recovery in my area, I've been clean (tomorrow will be five months).  I'm hoping - praying, that I'll be able to stay clean.  It's hard, but I know it's what I need to do.

The addiction I'm probably struggling the most with is binge-eating.  I've been doing that since around my senior year of high school.  All my life I've been made fun of for everything you can think of - including weight.  I was called fat all the time growing up by my peers.  I didn't realize back then that I really wasn't fat.  Every time I saw myself in the mirror or photos, I was always disgusted with myself because in my eyes, I was fat.  I was at a really healthy weight in 10th-11th grade, but because I didn't have that perfect hourglass figure, I thought I was fat.  So I gave up.  If I had known how fat I'd really get at 27 years old (307 lbs), I would've never given up.  Now I look back at how I looked back then and it boggles my mind how I had thought I was fat back then.  Now I have more health problems, more joint and back pain, and constantly afraid my heart is going to give out on me because it has to work too hard with all my weight.  Out of any addiction I've had, this has been the toughest one for me.  What makes it even harder now is I have some chronic illness we can't figure out what's wrong with me for nearly 16 months.  I'm severely nauseous and vomiting.  Some days I feel like I have the flu but I don't have it (no fever).  This really limits what all I can eat, and apparently fruits, veggies, whole wheat/whole grain are really difficult to digest (I really miss berries, pineapples, and oranges), which will mean more vomiting.  The only food I seem to be able to digest better with, are all the stuff I need to NOT be eating (white bread, pastas, etc)!  So I'm not really sure what to do about this until we figure out what the heck is wrong with me.

A few months ago, I found out by a doctor that I'm addicted to sleeping pills (though they've changed it now to being dependant on sleeping pills instead of addicted to them).  I had to be taken completely off them.  I never thought out of all addictions I'd get, it would be pills.  I mean, I hate pills!  I only take pills because I have to - not because I want to!  I hardly got any sleep after being taken off them.  I would even beg my husband at times to even give me just one pill, and he had to be strong for me.  I only take Melatonin now (I guess since it's natural).  My sleep has improved slightly since I was first taken off them, but it's still not very good.  I don't feel as dependant on them though now - I'm not begging for sleeping pills now (though that may be because I know my husband won't give any to me).  This has probably been the easiest one for me to "control," but maybe it wasn't an addiction, maybe it was just dependency on them, I don't know.

Anyway, that's what my life has been like for my addictions - they're ways I tried to cope, and instead of getting me better, it got me worse.

I'll tell you this though, if it weren't for God's mercy and grace, there's no way I could ever be able to heal from any of these (past and present ones).  We have to stop the addiction cycle, or it's just going to keep repeating with the next addiction, and the next addiction, and so on so forth.  Only God, through Jesus Christ, can we truly heal.  We have a God who understands our pain and suffering.  He understands why I put the blade to my arms.  He understands why I looked at images I shouldn't have.  He understands why I gorge myself in food.  He understands why you turn to what you turn to.  He WANTS to heal you, just like he wants to heal me!  He IS our healer, our Savior.  He doesn't just save us from Satan, he saves us from ourselves as well.  Please, turn to him for help, he's waiting with arms open for you to cling to him.

Combating Lies

The LORD is my light and my salvation - so why should I be afraid?  The LORD is my fortress, protecting me from danger, so why should I tremble?

Psalm 27:1




I woke up from a nightmare about two hours ago in a hot sweat.  I had a dream that this voice (which sounded VERY creepy) kept repeating to me, "You have no light."  I kept telling it to go away and it kept getting louder and louder until I ultimately couldn't take it anymore and killed myself.  This dream terrified me!  I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to go back to sleep after this, but I felt like I needed to write something about it.

A little after I woke up, Psalm 27:1 came to mind and I keep repeating that verse in my head.  Even if I have no light, Christ IS my light.  Jesus said, "I am the light of the world, if you follow me, you won't have to walk in darkness, because you will have the light that leads to life." (John 8:12)

I don't know if this dream was some sort of attack, or if it was just a nightmare; either way I have to fight lies with truth.  After I woke up from the dream, I woke up my husband because I was absolutely terrified.  I told him what the voice said and his exact words were, "That's a lie from the pits of hell."

How do we combat lies?  By speaking truth.  It doesn't matter what lie it is you're fighting against.  "I'm ugly."  "I'm worthless."  "I'm stupid."  "No one loves/cares about me."  "I'm better off dead than alive."  Do any of these sound familiar to you?  "I am __(fill in your lie you tell yourself)__."

"I'm worthless."

"Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not of more value than they?" (Matthew 6:26)

"I'm ugly."

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.  (Psalm 139:13-14)

"I'm stupid."

The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction.  (Proverbs 1:7)

"No one loves/cares about me."

"God so loved the world that he gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him will not die, but have eternal life."  (John 3:16)

"I'm better off dead than alive."

"Say to them, 'As surely as I live, declares the Sovereign LORD, I take no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but rather that they turn from their ways and live.'"  (Ezekiel 33:11 - if God takes no pleasure in the wicked dying, why would he take pleasure in your death?)



Combat the lies with the truth.  The truth will set you free!  (John 8:32)

He Sings Over You

There is a verse I keep thinking about this morning (it's 4am atm).



For the LORD your God lives among you.  He is a mighty savior.  He will take delight in you with gladness.  With his love, he will calm all your fears.  He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.

Zepheniah 3:27



In some translations, it says he "sings" over you!  The God of the universe SINGS over YOU!  You bring him so much joy that he sings over you!

You might be thinking, "How can I bring him joy?  My life is a wreck!  I've screwed up so much!"  Does he know you've screwed up?  Of course!  But your screw ups don't define you.  That is something I am still learning so I'm preaching to myself just as much as I'm preaching to you.  Take addiction for example.  We often have labels for different addictions.  Alcoholic.  Drug addict.  Binge-eater.  Etc.  I have so many labels for myself; all my mental health issues and all my addictions.  You know what though?  God knows we all have these issues, but he does NOT see us as these labels.  We call ourselves ugly, he calls us beautiful.  We call ourselves broken, he calls us mended.  We call ourselves orphans, he calls us his child.

He sings over you.....

I wonder what that sounds like.  What does his song for me sound like?  I'm certain that if I heard it, I would bawl my eyes out like a baby.  Who knows, maybe one day I'll hear it 😊

He loves you so much.  I wish I could show you how much he loves you, but it wouldn't be even close to how much he loves you.  My words would be extremely inadequate.

I see videos of people who go out in places like gay pride parades or even anime conventions with bullhorns condemning people.  "God hates you!  You're going to burn in hell!"  This really angers me.  I mean, I know there may be some who do care, but are misguided.  Jesus said, "People will know you are my disciples, by loving one another. (John 13:25)"  I've told my husband that one of these days, I'd like to go to an event like such and just tell people, "I just wanted to let you know that Jesus loves you."  Sometimes, that's all someone needs to hear.  They are already walking in a battle full of hate coming from all directions - including by themselves.  The last thing they need to hear is the God of the universe, the Savior of the world hates them!  It's as if you're saying, "God loves me and saved me, but he hates you and will not save you."  But now I'm going on a tangent that I may cover another time in another blog.

He loves you, no matter how broken you may be.  He loves you so much that he sings to you - he serenades you!  You are his pride and joy!  How could he not sing to you?  He has a song for each and every one of us - that's a lot of songs!  What does your song sound like?

It's All Worth It

I had an interesting dream last night.

First off, I'm sorry I have not blogged in a while.  In all honesty, I've been really struggling.  I try so hard to hold it together in life, but sometimes you can't hold it together.  Last night as I was trying to sleep (I hardly slept at all), I nearly broke down in tears.  I was praying and said, "I just want to feel you close to me.  If I could feel that, I know I could get through this."

Sometimes, Jesus appears to me in my dreams.  I don't talk about them often though.  For one thing, they're very rare.  I also don't want to appear like I'm bragging or anything - I'm just like everyone else.  I'm not favored more than anyone else.  They just happen.  Lastly, they're very special to me.  I hold them very near and dear to me, because I feel really close to Him when I have these dreams.

He did not appear to me in a dream last night, but I did have a dream that I think may have been an answer to my prayer, that or my heart was just working things out, Idk.

So in my dream, I was outside and it had snowed - a lot!  For some reason, a bunch of people decided to go ice skating, and I decided to do the same thing.  As I was skating (which I have not done since middle school), I saw a lake.  It was iced over, but it was extremely thin ice.  There were parts of the lake that had not iced over where of all things, ducks were swimming in (yea, my dreams often don't make any sense).  Part of me wanted to go in the lake.  I thought, "No one would ever know I'd froze in the lake.  I could end all this suffering right now."  Something told me not to go in still though.  Idk what it was, but I decided not to do it and skated somewhere else.  As I was skating past it, the ice on the lake started melting even quicker to the point where it looked like there wasn't anymore ice covering it.  It almost looked more like a spring instead of a lake, and more animals (and Idk why, but even rabbits) were swimming in the lake.  Then a bunch of rabbits came out of the lake and they got really close to me.  It was odd.  There was still snow all around me though.  I saw some kids (by kids I mean teenagers) in a circle discussing.  I've always had a heart for teenagers.  I decided to join them.  They were talking about how difficult their lives have been.  One of them in particular discussed how her mom hated her job and yet couldn't get out of it.  I told her how maybe there was a reason why her mom couldn't get out of that job.  Maybe she was meant to reach someone there.  Then I said, "If I can reach even just one person with the Good News, then my suffering will all have been worth it."  Then I woke up.

The last thing I said in the dream keeps repeating in my head.  I'm not sure why.  Maybe it's just my emotions trying to work things out.  Maybe it was God telling me something.  Or maybe it's just as random as the rabbits leaping out of the lake towards me.  I honestly don't know.  What I do know though is it's true, if I can reach even just one person to Christ with the Good News, my life will have been worth living.  All the suffering I've been through, will have been worth it.  This isn't just true about me though, it's true about everyone!  If we could just reach at least one person with the Good News, everything we've been through will all have been worth it.

Anyway, these are just my thoughts this morning....

The End?

Creative writing by me


I couldn't take it anymore - the stress, the pain, the sickness inside my heart and the sorrows in my soul.  I wasn't going to put up with it anymore.  I was tired - tired of everything - the bad and the good.  So I decided it was time to put an end to it all.

I was all alone. I went out into the woods where no one could see me - no one could hear me.  Then again, did anyone really see my pain?  Did anyone really hear my cries for help?  If I was ignored then, they'd ignore me now.  How many people must've thought the world would be better off without me - and I believed them.

I started to write a note - a note of goodbyes to those who did care about me.  I didn't want them to blame themselves for what I was about to do.  I knew it would hurt them, but again, the world would be better off without me right?

I finished writing the note.  I grabbed the rope out of my bag and began to tie it to a tree.  I felt numb, like I was just an empty shell.  It was as if my soul was already dead.  As I was tying the rope, I began to start to have regrets.  Thoughts came to mind, "How are my loved ones going to respond when they find out what I've done?  How are my loved ones going to feel knowing I'm gone?  What if this isn't the way out?"  I was determined this time though.  This time, I would shut off those thoughts.  The noose was ready.  Tears began to flow down my cheek.  "Is this really what I want?"  As soon as I was about to jump off the rock with the noose around my neck, I saw someone coming towards me.  I wasn't sure what to do.  If they saw what I was about to do, they would try to talk me out of it.  That's not going to happen this time though.  It doesn't matter if they see me do this; nothing really matters anymore.

The person came closer, and closer, until I made out that it was a man.  He looked close to my age, around in his 30's.  I wanted to jump, but something was holding me back.  I couldn't do it for some odd reason.  No matter how much I tried to reason with myself, no matter how much I wanted to jump, I couldn't do it.  As the man got closer, he was looking straight at me - as if he were looking deep in my soul.  He did not have a look of panic, which really surprised me.  He did however have a look of sadness.  He stopped right in front of me - just looking in my eyes.  I couldn't look in his though.  Every time I even caught a glimpse in his eyes, I felt unworthy.  There was something about this man, I couldn't put my finger on it, but something was different.  I just looked down at my feet.

"You can't stop me so go away."  I told the man.  The man just stood there without saying a word.  "Is there something you want?"  I asked him.  Again he was silent.  I began to get irritated.  "Are you morbid or something?  Do you enjoy watching people die?"  Once again, he was silent.  "It's not like he cares about me anyway, he doesn't even know me."  I told myself.  Just as I was about to jump, the man suddenly held me.  I was shocked!  This morbid man - this man I don't even know, is holding me?  He held me tighter than I've ever been held before.  My bones almost felt like they were going to break.  Then I heard sniffling - he was crying?  Over me?  Surely not crying over me!  Then he whispered,"Yes, I am crying over you."  Wait, is he able to read my mind?

"You are in so much pain, darkness is devouring you.  You feel so alone, yet you fail to realize you're not alone.  I have been with you since the very beginning - before you were even a thought.  I've been with you through the pain, through the rejection, through the abuse, through the torment in your soul.  But I have not once ever left your side.  I put those thoughts in your head to not go through with this.  But you stopped depending on me.  You stopped talking to me.  You pushed me away, while I stood there with my arms open.  Come to me, you who are weary and heavy burdened, and I will give you rest.  That goes for you too.  My rest may not come immediately, but it will come.  You can rest in me, and I will give you peace.  My peace is not the same as the world's version of peace.  My peace is knowing you are not alone, and that I treasure you more than anything you could ever imagine - more than there are stars in the galaxy.  More than there are grains of sand that covers the entire earth.  You are my precious child, and when you hurt, I hurt with you.  Those who rejected you, reject me as well.  Those who abused you, abused me too.  I am close to the brokenhearted, and that includes you.  Don't throw your life away, I gave you life as a gift.  You may feel there is nothing good in your life anymore, but there is good.  There are people who love you.  You can hear music from the birds singing to each other after a fresh rain.  Being able to even breathe is a gift in itself.  You are my gift, and a gift to the world as well.  It's a shame there are those who don't see you as a gift, but that is not how I see you.  You are my child, and you are very dear to me.  I hate to see you suffer, I am not morbid at all.  I want to see you live!  I want to watch you show the world the love I have for each and every person out there - including you.  I died a painful death so you wouldn't have to.  The world is not better off without you - if it were, I would not have created you.  The world needs you to tell them about the Good News.  Don't throw your life away.  You may be going through the fire right now, but when you come out, you will be a beautiful creation made in my image by my hands.  I will never leave you nor forsake you.  Put your trust in me.  You are fearfully and wonderfully made, and if people can't see that, then that is their own sickness in their hearts, not yours.  My grace is sufficient for you, I work best in your weaknesses.  My grace is enough to get you through your day.  Rely on me to heal you.  Rely on my love - not the love from people.  Their love is fleeting - here one moment and gone another.  My love, however, is deep and eternal.  You can't even imagine how deep my love is for you, and it will never go away.  It will never lessen, no matter what.  I love you."

I began to weep with him.  "I'm so sorry Lord!  Please rescue me!"  He took the noose off around my neck, and kissed my cheek.  "I will always come to your rescue.  It may not be immediate, but I will always come when you need me most."

Easier to Run

It is always easier to runaway from our problems than to face them head on.  Facing our problems can be messy and challenging.  So what do we turn to?  We turn to worldly things so we can escape the darkness that engulfs us.  We turn to drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, codependency, etc.  We try to drown out our problems.  Those things can help temporarily; but in the long run, they make things worse.  We're so desperate to escape we'll practically sell our souls to the world.  It's not easy facing our problems head on.

I have talked about my mental health issues and addictions in my blog, but yesterday, I found out I have another addiction.  I went to a sleep specialist yesterday and she said I'm too dependent on sleeping pills.  I asked if she meant I was addicted to them and she said yes.  This was a hard pill to swallow - literally.  I've been taking sleeping pills since the sixth grade, and I've always taken them as prescribed (except I did overdose on them once - it was a suicide attempt though).  So she is taking me off the sleeping pills (she thinks I have sleep apnea).

This was difficult for me to hear; I have two other addictions (self-harm and binge eating) I'm working on, plus codependency; now I have this?  It seems like no matter how much I try to get better, no matter how much I try to fight the darkness inside me, something else comes up that adds to the darkness.  I've been ready to throw in the towel and just give up.  What's the point in fighting anymore?  I have NO fight left!

I have no fight left....but you know who does?  Jesus.  I can't fight this on my own, but he can!  He can heal the wounds.  He can help me carry my burdens.  He can help me with my addictions. 




The LORD himself will fight for you.  Just stay calm.

Exodus 14:14



I'm not facing these problems alone.  He is with me and will fight for me when I have no fight left. I just need to depend on him.  Alone, I am weak.  But he is strong (2 Corinthians 12:10).  In fact, the previous verse (2 Corinthians 12:9) says:


Each time he (God) said, "My grace is all you need.  My power works best in weakness...."



In our weakness, he is strong.  He fights for us.

It's easier to run from our problems (notice I didn't say it was easy) than to face them head on.  When we face them though, we become stronger.  Believe me, I want to run!  I'm often tempted to take the easier path.  I don't know anyone who is a bigger coward than I am.  When it comes to fight vs flight mode, I am ALWAYS in flight mode.  Lately I haven't even been arguing to defend myself with any accusations because I frankly don't have the energy to fight them anymore.  I have to depend on Christ to help me get through this though.

We all have our weaknesses, but let's face them together!

Being Silent

I'm very protective over my family and friends.  When someone goes after them, get out of the way because I'm a bull in a china shop!  I may not be very protective over myself, but I am to those I care about.

Recently, my husband and I have been watching a woman on YouTube.  She is CONSTANTLY saying how she's been having prophecy dreams of the rapture and "signs" (such as a song playing about flying away?).  She says she's not "setting dates," but then will set a date (like recently she said November 1-3 is when the "rapture" is supposed to happen).  I don't know why we watch her.  Anyway, her "predictions" are always wrong.  She even DEMANDS God to do stuff, which to my husband and me, is a very dangerous thing to do.

Anyway, my husband goes through her comments and will debate (he is a debater after all).  Without getting into too many details (because this has been going on since August), one thing led after another and she insulted him about being a terrible husband, is a Pharisee, and doesn't take care of the gifts he's been given - then blocked him.  When I heard this I was furious!  It didn't bother him at all, but to say such things about him greatly angers me.  I was like, "Who the heck does she think she is to say such things?!"  I was going to sleep on it and make a comment on her video, defending my husband's honor.  I did not sleep well (I never do, but it was worse than usual last night), but I prayed about it.  I wanted to go about it in love, but I was so angry I didn't know what to say.

Throughout the entire night, the verses that kept coming to mind was when Jesus was silent when the Pharisees question him.  He would not speak when they were throwing out false accusations.  He could've defended himself, but he chose to be silent.



Proverbs 11:12

He who despises his neighbor lacks sense, but a man of understanding keeps silent.



Proverbs 10:19

When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable, but he who restrains his lips is wise.



As much as I want to defend my husband's honor, I get the feeling that I need to be silent in this situation.  I hate it when Christians attack other Christians.  First off, they shouldn't be attacking anyone - period.  Debating is different than attacking.  You can debate and be cordial at the same time.  But attacking is completely different, and I've seen it WAY too many times where other "believers" attack each other.  We are supposed to be united together!  We are the body of Christ (1 Corinthians 12:27)!  How can an arm attack another arm?  How can a leg attack another leg?  This makes completely no sense to me.  On top of which, they PUBLICLY attack each other!  Disagreeing is one thing, but to attack someone is completely wrong!  It's unthinkable!  How can we show other people the love of Christ, when we can't even show it to each other?

I've had to learn to be silent though.  This doesn't mean I won't defend people - on the contrary!  I will defend those who cannot defend themselves!  But there is a time when it is wiser to be silent.  As much as I don't want to be silent, I know it's better for me to because what may come out of my mouth (or typing) could be really ugly and make matters worse.  I've been really working on holding my tongue, and though I do not do this perfectly, I think this is one of those times I need to be silent....