Little Flock

This verse has been on my mind since the beginning of the year, I'm not completely sure why, but it's just been on my mind a lot.

Luke 12:32

"Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom."



I'm a very fearful person.  I have really, really, severe anxiety and paranoia.  I'm pretty much afraid of EVERYTHING!  In the past, I tried to overcome these fears.  I used to watch horror movies and that seemed to help for a while.  But it was really just a band-aid.  I've had night terrors since I was a small child, and watching horror flicks didn't help with that.  Over the years they've been getting worse.  So a few people told me to stop watching horror flicks, so I did.  Now I'm scared of EVERYTHING again and the images I used to see in horror movies plague my thoughts at night.  I still have the night terrors too.

I'm scared to be in large crowds, I'm scared of sticking out (I just want to blend in), I'm paranoid that people are following me or people are talking about me.  I'm so afraid of so many things.  But you know how many times Scripture says to not be afraid?  It's over 9,000!  Just kidding (some people may not understand that joke).  It's really over 100 times!  I think God was trying to tell us to not be afraid.

Little flock....this part really resides for me.  I've been called a goat and I often wonder, "What if I really am a goat?"  If you don't understand the whole sheep/goat metaphor, it's this:  Jesus is the Great Shepherd.  People are either sheep or goats.  If we're sheep, then that means we follow Christ.  If we're goats though, that can mean we think we're sheep when we're really not.  Lately, I've been asking myself this even more than usually because I'm so confused about my life right now.  I found out recently that my schizophrenia did not come with my brain injury, but the brain injury turned the switch on.  I've had schizophrenia all my life without even realizing it.  They don't diagnose someone with schizophrenia until someone is as early as 18 or 19 years old because that's when most of the symptoms show up.  So now I'm wondering, "What all in my life has been real?  Did this happen or was I just paranoid?  Did that happen or was I hallucinating/hearing voices?  The big one for me, "Is my relationship with God based on a lie?"

When I was fourteen (well, nearly fourteen) I went on my first missions trip (Jeremiah Project).  I think we were in northern Virginia, but I honestly don't remember.  Anyway, I felt like I had heard God's voice the last night we were there.  He said, "I love you no matter what.  You've gone through a tough time, but I want to help.  Just believe."  I knew God existed, I was raised in a Christian home with parents in ministry.  But for a while, I hated God.  I thought He was just toying with me to be entertained.  But at the Jeremiah Project, I thought I heard Him talk to me.  I also read Psalm 139 before that night which helped a lot too (it's now my favorite verse).  All this convinced me that God really did love me.  But, what if He really didn't talk to me?  What if I was hearing a fake voice in my head?  I honestly don't know the answer to that.  It's really been tearing me apart.  I've talked to a few people about this, and they've said it doesn't really matter if He really talked to me or not (as important as that may be for me).  Did it influence my decision to follow Christ?  Yes.  But it's not the reason I follow Him.  What matters is that I know I'm screwed up on my own.  Without Christ I'm just dust and rotting eternally.  I'm a slave to the world and myself.  You may think, "The world isn't all that bad."  Uh, have you watched the news lately?  I hate to break it to you, but this world is rotting.  Our bodies are rotting.  It's only a matter of time before we die.  We are slaves to the world and to ourselves.  We're slaves to our screw ups.  We're in prisons, and some people are so comfortable in their prison cells that they don't even notice the door to the prison is open and can escape!  The door is open!  Walk out!

I know I am a screw up, but in my brokenness, Christ makes me whole.  We are all broken, living in a broken world.  But we can be healed, we can be put back together!  I'm not going to tell you it's easy, it's FAR from easy.  It's possible, but not in our own power.  The more we try to fix ourselves, the more broken we become.  Picture this:  There's a clay bowl being made.  The person making the clay bowl knows what they are doing.  Sometimes they have to take pieces off the bowl to make it look even more beautiful.  They shape it with their hands.  Then picture someone coming in trying to complete the bowl that doesn't even know what the artist wants to make it!  Is it going to turn out right?  Probably not.  We are the clay bowls.  God is our artist.  If we try to fix ourselves, we're going to ruin the finished product.  God knows what He's doing, and He's going to create us into something beautiful!  We've just got to let Him do His thing.  It's not easy, but we've got to let Him do His thing.

We're screw ups, we're broken.  If we're the clay bowl, we should just be thrown out!  But God sent His son Jesus, to save us!  We're broken in a million pieces, but He puts us back together.  We've just got to let Him instead of fight it.  I am a sheep, because I know what Christ did for me, and I trust Him that He'll take care of me somehow.  I follow Him, because He is my shepherd.  You may have seen me say this, but I picture myself as a little lamb that often gets itself into trouble.  I wander away from the rest of the flock and I wander away from the Shepherd.  I end up getting hurt though, and the wolves want to devour me.  But the Shepherd always comes to my rescue and fights off the wolves.  He heals my wounds, carries me on His shoulders, and takes me back into the pasture with Him and the rest of the flock.  Now that doesn't mean the injuries aren't going to never hurt anymore.  They still hurt.  My leg is still broken.  But in time, it'll heal.

We may not see relief until we join Christ in heaven.  We may always be broken.  But He helps us get through it.

Hebrews 13:5

"I will never leave you nor forsake you."


He doesn't just sit up in the clouds watching us suffer.  He helps us through it.  He goes through life WITH us.  He's there when we fall.  When we fall He picks us back up.  When He calls us His little flock, it's an affectionate term.  We are His sheep He looks after.

Breathe

This might be a bit of a long entry.  I've got a lot I want to get out.

The last five-six weeks has been really tough for me.  I'm not going to get into all the details but it's been one of my most difficult times.  I'm highly stressed out, I have severe anxiety, and my meds aren't helping like they used to.  I went to my psychiatrist last week and told him and he refused to change my meds.  My PTSD has been so bad lately and it just continues to get worse and worse.  I usually have bad dreams (typically they're demonic), but now I'm having dreams of old memories.  Not only am I having flashbacks awake, I'm having them in my sleep now too!  Last week, I couldn't take it anymore.  I grabbed a glass I was going to break and slit my wrists with it.  My husband was in the kitchen with me and he didn't know what I was doing.  I really didn't want to do it, I don't want to leave my husband a widower, but I sometimes feel like there's no other option for me.  I feel like the world would be better off without me, and I just want to escape from everything.  It feels like I'm drowning and no matter how much I try to stay afloat, I can't.  No matter how much I scream for help, no one can hear or help me.  I'm too far out for lifeguards to reach me and there's too much turbulence in the water.  I feel like no matter how much I look for an exit, I can't find one.  When I was holding that glass, I said quietly, "Please, help me, get this glass away from me."  My husband heard and had to wrestle the glass out of my hands some.  He and my mom threatened to take me to the hospital or call 911 and I told them there wouldn't be enough time for 911 to come because if I'm forced to go to the hospital, I WILL KILL MYSELF.  They can't help me.  They've never been able to help me.  I just get really homesick.  Plus with my digestive issues, I wouldn't be able to eat, and not eating means I can't take my anti-psychotic, which means my schizophrenia gets worse, which means I'd be staying even longer.  Last time I went they didn't even change my meds!  I can't sleep now, it's even worse at the hospital for me because we can't close the door (so the light comes in) and I hear them talking in the hallway.  If I were to slit my wrists, it'd be painful yes, but I think it'd be a quick death.  On top of that, I heard they can't stitch that area, so I would bleed out quickly.  I'm not giving ANY ideas to people, because I do have an alternative I learned recently.  I tried it out this morning, and even though it didn't help completely, it helped more than I thought it would, but I'l be getting into that later.

Anyway, I've been trying to listen to Christian music and I've been doing a personal online Bible Study.  I started sometime last year and never got around to finishing, so I started where I had left off.  Even though I've been so stressed out that I even have a difficult time breathing (and I mean that in the literal sense), I've been trying to keep two things in my mind:  First, my husband.  Two years ago when he found me laying on the bed after overdosing on sleeping pills, it has scarred him for life I think.  He can't see an ambulance or a hospital the same way ever again.  If that caused him damage and I didn't die, how much worse could it be if he saw me dead?  On top of that, if I had slit my wrists, he would see me bled to death!  A violent death.  I can't do that to him.  He cries whenever I cut myself, can you imagine if saw me bleed to death?  I can't do that to him.  The other thing I've had on my mind is Jesus.  Why would I need to hurt myself, whether it's cutting or suicide, when he already did that for me?  The whole point of him being crucified was so I wouldn't have to!  I do have an out, it may not be the way I want out, and it may not be a complete out, but there is one person who does understand me: Jesus.  He understands my pain - he went through it himself.  People even thought he was suicidal (John 8:22 - The people asked, "Is he planning to commit suicide?  What does he mean 'You cannot come where I am going'?")

There's a song I really like I've been listening to called "Breathe" by Jonny Diaz.  I recommend the entire song, but I want to focus on the chorus:

Breathe, just breathe
Come and rest, at my feet
And be, just be
Chaos calls, but all you really need
Is to just breathe


I feel (I know I use that phrase A LOT) like there's nowhere else I can go.  It's either death, or Jesus at this point.  Either I kill myself and hurt people, or I fall at Jesus' feet and let him take care of me.  Last week I had called a Christian suicide hotline thinking maybe they could help me on the spiritual aspect, now I know next time to call the OFFICIAL suicide hotline; the one I called didn't help at all. The person I talked to clearly didn't understand what goes on in the mind of someone who's suicidal.  First when I told her I had tried to kill myself three times in the past, she accused me of BRAGGING about it.  Seriously?  Then she said I was selfish for even considering suicide.  Suicide is a selfish act, but when you're in that mindset, you DON'T tell someone who's suicidal that they're being selfish.  It makes things worse because in their mind, they are doing the world a favor.  Then she said God was going to heal me.  I told her, "That's not necessarily true.  Sometimes we don't get healed until we're in the next life.  Sometimes it's a struggle until the end."  The conversation was no help at all.  If you're feeling suicidal, PLEASE call the OFFICIAL suicide hotline:  1-800-273-8255

Anyway, if we go to Jesus, it doesn't mean our struggle will completely go away.  He never promised that.  Maybe Joel Osteen will promise something like that, but Jesus doesn't.  He promises our life is going to suck sometimes.  The difference is, we won't be alone - he's there with us.

Matthew 11:28

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

"I will give you rest."  Jesus is NOT saying he will completely take it away, but that we will find rest. In other words, he will help us through our struggles.  Sometimes he'll take some of our struggles away, but this is few and rare.  Usually, he helps us to get through life despite our struggles.

I'm not the type who says, "The devil made me do it" or "Satan is causing all my issues."  But, I do feel like he's attacking me.  It's one thing after another and he knows I'm close to falling off the edge and just end things permanently.  He would love nothing more than to see me take my life.  I can't let him win though, no matter how broken I may be. As I said before, my PTSD continues to get worse and worse.  More flashbacks, more memories, more old emotions I thought I had finally gotten past, and now my memories are appearing in my dreams too.  I can't seem to be able to escape them.  So I just need to fall at Jesus feet and breathe.  He will somehow take care of me.  I don't know how he's going to help me get through this, I just know somehow he will.

Do you struggle with cutting?  I learned a way to help with that from a therapist.  Get red food dye, and put it in warm water for a few minutes.  After that press the tip as hard as you can without breaking through the skin, and squeeze it where you want to cut.  For me this morning, it was all along my vein.  It looked and felt like real blood.  The only problem is when you clean it off.  I had a difficult time getting it off my arms.  I showered and scrubbed really hard and I don't know if I got it all off because my arms are red now.  I don't know if that's the food dye spread or if I just scrubbed too hard, lol.  It helped relieve some of my stress.  I feel a little less on edge.  I recommend doing this when you feel the need to cut.  Even if you're suicidal and thinking about slitting your wrists (which I pray you won't do), this can help (that's why I did it along my veins).  Also, please don't keep your pain to yourself.  Talk to someone about it.  Whether it's a friend, a family member, a pastor, or a therapist, talk to someone about it.  You are here for a reason, take it from someone who's learned it the hard way.  I've made three suicide attempts and almost two other ones.  I haven't died yet because God has me here for a reason.  What that reason is I don't know, but if I were expendable or no longer needed to be here (though God doesn't really NEED me), I'd be gone, whether by my own hands or another way.  You have a purpose here too or you'd already be gone.  DON'T take your life.  It will hurt a lot of people, they will forever question themselves.  "Why did they do that?  Why didn't I see the signs so I could help?  Did I cause them to do this?"  They will blame themselves even if they had nothing to do with it.  If you survive, you could have permanent damage done (like for me I have a brain injury and could later have kidney issues after having two massive overdoses).  I've heard stories with even worse permanent damage.  One person tried to get hit by a train and survived, but they lost their legs.  Another person put a shotgun in their mouth and shot themselves and now they have a deformed face.  If you survive, it could cause you even more problems than when you hadn't tried.  So breathe, and rest on Jesus.  Let him hold you while you cry on his shoulder.  You're going to get through this.  Even if it doesn't seem like it, you will.

Ghost in the Shell Movie

A couple days ago my husband and I got to see the new Ghost in the Shell movie featuring Scarlet Johansson.  It was VERY good!  I can't really compare it to the movie it's based on because I haven't seen it due to nudity, but from what I've heard about the original movie, comparing that to this one, it was pretty faithful.  Characters were spot-on.  Anyway, what I wanted to blog about was a particular quote that was key to the movie.

"It's not your past that defines you, but what you do is what defines you."  - Major Motoko


This is a very memorable quote, though, it's only half-right.  It's true, the past doesn't define you.  This is definitely something I struggle with.  But what you do doesn't define you either.  If it did, I'd be in big trouble.  I'm disabled because of my brain injury, and I can't really do anything.  I can't get a paying job, I can't sell my artwork which means whenever I finish my manga "Cross Feathers" I won't be able to publish it either except for being an online comic.  I can't make money while on disability or I will lose all my benefits including my health insurance.  I can't drive either because of my brain injury.  So I'm just left at home doing nothing.  My husband told me, "What about someone who's in a coma?  They can't do anything, is that what defines them?"

So what DOES define us?

Who we are in Christ.

We are children of God, that's what defines us.  What does it mean to be a child God?  It means you are no longer slaves to the world.  You are no longer held captive to the evil one.  You. Are. Free.  You might say, "How can I be free?  There are so many rules!"  Idk about rules honestly.  It's true, we are to follow God's commands, but Jesus also said this,

"You must love the LORD your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.  A second is equally important: love your neighbor as yourself.  The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments."
- Matthew 22:37-40

Are the commands important?  Of course.  But they all come back to these two commandments.  Love God, and love others.

Think of it this way (though this may be a poor illustration).  Do you live in the US?  If so, do you follow the law?  Are you considered free in this country?  It's a free country, you can do whatever you want as long as you follow the law.  Being children of God is kinda the same, in a weird way.  There are commands we're to follow.  Are we going to follow them perfectly?  No.  But you are free if you follow the commands.

"Aren't the commands out-dated?"

Not all of them.  Some, sure, those would be the ones like don't eat unclean foods or mixing fabric.  These come from the Mosaic Law.  It's not that we pick and choose which ones we're going to follow and which one's we aren't.  Take the command about not eating unclean foods.  If you choose not to eat certain foods, that's your choice, it's not a necessity anymore.  But the reason we know this has changed is because God told the Apostle Peter, "Don't call what I've created unclean."  In the context of this, Peter has fallen asleep and since he was Jewish, he wouldn't eat what was considered "unclean" foods.  This doesn't mean "Oh they didn't wash their food."  It refers to what was considered unclean to be not pure.  So as much as you might love bacon, if you were Jewish you couldn't eat it.  Anyway, God told Peter in a dream, "Eat any of these animals."  They were all animals that was considered "unclean."  Peter said "I have never eaten anything the Jewish Law considers unclean."  If God didn't want His followers to eat certain foods, why would he turn around and tell him to go ahead and eat them?  This tells me that after Jesus came, the Jewish Law was no longer the requirement because honestly, none of us could follow that law perfectly, and that was the point.  God was showing us that without Him we can't be perfect.

So how are we identified as children of God?  By loving God with all our heart, soul, and mind; and loving others.  This is our identity - in Christ.

Help

I recently watched the Netflix series "13 Reasons Why" and I've got to tell you, it's very emotional.  It's about how a high school girl killed herself, and left behind tapes of the reasons why she killed herself.  As someone who has attempted three times, I really identified with her.  Obviously, there were some things I can't say "I know how that feels" completely.  Yes, I went through severe bullying growing up, and was even sexually abused.  But when I was being bullied, there wasn't really much of social media yet.  This girl was bullied at school and outside of school.  She was also raped.  I will tell you, this is an important series to watch, especially if you want to understand what it's like to be bullied, or sexually assaulted, or even feeling like ending things permanently.  If you have actually gone through rape or have lost someone to suicide though, you may not want to watch it because it does show it.  For me, I started to cry a bit during the last episode when the parents found their daughter bled to death in the bathtub.  It made me think, "Is that how my parents and my husband felt when they saw me when I made my attempts?"  Watching how the people who cared about her go through the loss was difficult.  It made me think, "If I were gone, especially by my own hands, would they be like this with me too?"  I don't want to give everything away to the series in case you do decide to watch it.  It's on Netflix and surprisingly, one of the co-producers is Selena Gomez.

Anyway, if you are feeling like you want to end things, and that there's no way out, I feel you, I really do.  Sometimes it feels like it's going on forever and it's slowly suffocating you.  You want out, you want to be rescued, but it seems like no matter how much you cry out that you're drowning, no one sees you.  I've been there, and to this day I still go through that often.  People don't get us.  But get this in your head, you are NOT alone!  There are people who care about you; they may not understand you, but they care about you.  People would be crushed if something happened to you.  If you are feeling like you want to end things for good, there are people you can talk to.  Trust me, nothing is worth losing your life over.  Your life is precious.  If you need to talk and you don't know anyone who could help, call the suicide hotline 1-800-273-8255

Please, get help, I'm begging you, don't throw your life away.

The Face Beneath Your Skin

This blog entry is going to be about what it's like being a schizophrenic.  I tried to find a video with the lyrics to the song "Papercut" by Linkin Park on here but I couldn't find it except for the karaoke versions.  So here's a link if you want to see it:  https://youtu.be/1Y-RmfB4hY4

So what is it like with schizophrenia?  For me, I didn't used to have it, and if I did, it was dormant for a long time.  The song "Papercut" really describes what it's like very well.

Why does it feel like night today?
Something in here's not right today.
Why am I so uptight today?
Paranoia's all I got left
I don't know what stressed me first
Or how the pressure was fed
But I know just what it feels like
To have a voice in the back of my head
Like a face that I hold inside
A face that awakes when I close my eyes
A face that watches every time I lie
A face that laughs every time I fall
(And watches everything)

So I know that when it's time to sink or swim
That the face inside is hearing me
Right beneath my skin

It's like I'm paranoid lookin' over my back
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin

I know I've got a face in me
Points out all my mistakes to me
You've got a face on the inside too
Your paranoia's probably worse
I don't know what set me off first
But I know what I can't stand
Everybody acts like the fact of the matter is
I can't add up to what you can but

Everybody has a face that they hold inside
A face that awakes when I close my eyes
A face that watches every time they lie
A face that laughs every time they fall
(And watches everything)

So you know that when it's time to sink or swim
That the face inside is watching you too
Right inside your skin

[x2]
It's like I'm paranoid lookin' over my back
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin

The face inside is right beneath your skin [x3]

The sun goes down
I feel the light betray me
The sun goes down
I feel the light betray me

The sun
I feel the light betray me
The sun
I feel the light betray me

It's like I'm paranoid lookin' over my back
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin

It's like I'm paranoid lookin' over my back
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin


A big thing with schizophrenia (for me at least) is paranoia.  When I have a psychotic meltdown, I get really paranoid, hallucinate, hear voices (meds have helped this not happen very much), and get delusional.  Before I was being treated for it and it was in it's beginning stages, I was paranoid that my mother-in-law was trying to poison me, and I thought the ground was going to swallow me.  The hallucinations were things like I thought I saw my cat in one room, when he was really in another room.  The voices didn't tell me to do stuff, it was mostly like I was listening in on a conversation between multiple voices having conversations.  Sometimes they would talk to me though.  Sometimes I'd wake up at night hearing someone screaming my name.  Other times when they'd talk to me, they'd say really horrible things about God - I hated that.  Delusions didn't really happen until much later.

Super Bowl Sunday I wasn't able to take my meds all day because I kept vomiting them up.  That night I flipped out.  I kept hallucinating the bedroom door violently opening and closing.  I was so freaked out, I wasn't sure if I was hallucinating or if something was really happening.  I grabbed part of our wall and refused to move.  I wouldn't let anyone come near me.  I was like an injured animal who wouldn't let anyone help me.  One of our neighbors came over who's a grandmother and knew some of my issues.  She tried to get close to me as I was in tears and I wouldn't let her come near me. Eventually, slowly, I let her come near me.  She helped me take my meds and then go to bed, she even tucked me in bed.

Another incident was a couple weeks ago.  I ended up vomiting my meds in the morning and couldn't try to take them until that evening.  That afternoon I could feel the effects of not having taken my anti-psychotic.  During my husband's podcast, I started getting paranoid.  I kept thinking I saw shadows moving.  Then the delusions came.  Yes, I have a problem with cutting, but this time was different.  This time I started thinking, "I need to cut to see if my blood is a normal color."  Luckily, I had enough sense to not follow through with it and realize it wasn't normal thinking.  I got so scared and I didn't want to interrupt my husband's interview, that I just sat on the couch covering my face in my hands so I wouldn't see the hallucinations anymore.  I was in tears because I was so scared.  At the time, my cat Shiro was in another room on top of his cat tree.  He must've known I was in a lot of distress.  I heard him jump down and he came up on the couch and laid right next to me.  At first I didn't know if it was really him with all my hallucinating and I didn't want to look to make sure.  When I've had hallucinations, I've had them from all the senses.  Usually they're visual, and when I hear voices they're auditorial.  When I had my first overdose in 2009 though, I had other ones too - all at the same time.  While I was in ICU I saw red ants crawling on the wall and ceiling.  They were so realistic that in corners they'd look like they were bunching up.  When I'd look up at the ceiling, they'd fall on me.  If my mouth was open, they tasted like paper.  As for hearing, I heard someone playing the flute in the hospital.  I guess the only one I didn't have really was smell.  Anyway, back to the recent attack.  For about an hour I sat there covering my face in tears.  When my husband finished his podcast, he saw me freaked out on the couch.  For another hour he tried to convince me to uncover my face.  He told me Shiro really was laying next to me too.  After I uncovered my face Shiro jumped down.  I took my meds that evening and I vomited them again.  The nights when I can't take my anti-psychotic are very long.  I'm paranoid, I hallucinate, and I'm so on edge that I can't sleep.  The hallucinations at night tend to be the scariest ones.  They look demonic to me and because of things I've experienced in the past, I don't always know if they're real or hallucinations.

Some hallucinations are so out there that I can tell they're not real.  Like one time last summer, I had a hallucination of a green pickel/hot dog floating towards me.  It was so weird I almost laughed and thought, "Great, I'm hallucinating food now."  A lot of times though I hallucinate shadows during the day.  Sometimes I hallucinate bugs (which is actually what they were when I first started hallucinating).  Sometimes I think I hear rain when it's really not.  I also hallucinate faces at night.  One night I saw something laying on top of my husband - it looked like a person, and they were staring at me.  Typically when I hallucinate, I look in a different direction, and when I look back in the direction where I saw something, it's gone. This isn't foolproof though.  There have been times when I looked back it was still there.

As for paranoia, I often feel like I'm being watched and followed.  If I hear weird sounds I panic.  A few days ago I was home alone and I thought I heard someone playing with the doorknob.  I didn't know if it was real or not but I was too scared to find out.  Another time when I was home alone I thought I heard my husband playing Pokemon GO outside.  I opened the door and there was no one there and the sound was gone.  That really scared me.  I always think people are talking about me.  I'm always paranoid about relationships.  If I'm having a conversation online for example.  I know it takes time for people to respond.  But I start panicking, "They haven't answered back yet, did I say something wrong?  Do they not like me?  What if they think this way about me?"  It's even worse with in-person relationships.  I'm always afraid I'm going to say or do something wrong.  I'm always afraid of what people think of me.  I have a hard time reading people because of my Asperger's, so I have to just go by what they say, but they're not always honest either.  I can tell you many stories where I relied on people being honest with me about stuff socially, and it came back that they weren't.  If I gave you all those stories I don't think this blog entry would ever end.  So because of those experiences, it makes me not trust people even more.  Lies are one of the things that affect me the most.  If someone lies to me, I can't trust they'll tell the truth, and I know it's like that with most people, but I think it's a little more affective for me than most people.  For most people, if someone lies, they just have a hard time trusting THAT person.  For me, if someone lies, I can't trust anyone.

That's about all I can think of right now.  I hope this blog has been helpful.

His Love is Deep

Lately I've been really needing to focus on how much God loves us.  A lot has been going on I can't get into right now and like I said in my previous entry, it's really taking a tole on me.  I just don't feel strong enough to handle all this, so I have to depend on Christ to give me the strength to endure it.  The song I've included in this entry is "Furious" by Jeremy Riddle.  We sang it at church yesterday and it's been stuck in my head all day yesterday and today.  I want you to focus on the chorus (the whole song is great though):

His love is deep, his love is wide, and it covers us
His love is fierce, his love is strong, it is furious
His love is sweet, his love is wild, and it's waking hearts to life


His love is deeper than the deepest trenches of the ocean.  His love is wider than space itself.  His love is fiercer than any sword, penetrating the hardest of hearts.  His love is so strong, it's unbreakable.  His love is sweeter than the sweetest aroma.  It's something we cannot wrap our minds around.  His love is constant, nothing can separate us from the love of God.  Nothing can make Him love us less.  Let me repeat that:  Nothing can make Him love us less.

His love for us is so great, that He sacrificed His Son for us.  The punishment we deserve he took for us.  No matter what you, do, say, or think, HE LOVES YOU!

This verse has been really important to me this year:

"Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom."

Luke 12:32


I struggle with a lot of anxiety and paranoia.  But this verse tells me, "His love is so strong, that I don't have to be afraid.  He will protect me.  He wants me to be with Him."  It's the same for you.  He wants YOU; He wants to be with YOU!  Just let Him in.

Jesus' Heart Breaks

At church today Pastor Chris Emmitt (Mountain Lake Church) talked about how Jesus' heart breaks for the broken.  He read Matthew 9:9


As Jesus passed on from there, he saw a man called Matthew sitting at the tax booth, and he said to him, "Follow me."  And he rose and followed him.

He continued its verses 10-13


Later, Matthew invited Jesus and his disciples to his home as dinner guests, along with many tax collectors and other disreputable sinners.  But when the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, "Why does your teacher eat with such scum?"  When Jesus heard this, he said, "Healthy people don't need a doctor - sick people do."  Then he added, "Now go and learn the meaning of this Scripture: 'I want you to show mercy, not offer sacrifices.  For I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners."


I really needed this sermon because I've been really struggling recently.  I can't get into it, but it's really taken a tole on me emotionally.

A few years ago, I was in this Christian group on Facebook.  They were talking about how people who say they are Christians have tattoos and piercings really aren't Christians.  I fought against it obviously, and I told them how I've struggled with self-harm and suicidal tendencies (with three attempts - though at the time it was only one).  They proceeded to tell me that I was really a goat instead of a sheep.  What they meant was I wasn't really a follower of Christ, I just thought I was.  I have really struggled with this.  I know now I'm a sheep, but the thought still comes to my mind, "Am I really a goat?"  I heard someone say this, and I have thought the same thing.  If I were there when Jesus was calling for his disciples and telling them to follow him, what if he said my name and I was like, "Really?  You pick me?"  Then he says, "No, the person behind you."  I wonder, "Will Jesus be happy when he sees me, or will he be frustrated/annoyed like 'Great, she's here now'?"

What does Jesus see when he sees me?  Does he see me as a child with a broken heart because she gives her heart away to people who don't deserve it?  Or does he think, "She's hopeless.  She's going to continue to do the same thing over and over again."

Jesus' heart breaks for the broken.....

Let that sink in....

Are you broken?  Are you at your breaking point?  Are you hopeless?  Jesus' heart breaks for you.  He wants to help you.  He wants to comfort you.  It's difficult to, but let him be there for you.  You are his precious child, let your Heavenly Father be the perfect father you need/want.