Country Club Christianity

So Christmas morning I woke up around 3:30 in the morning and couldn't get back to sleep, so I got up to watch tv.  One of the shows was American Dad.  Now, I've never liked that show honestly, but for some reason I watched it.  I was so angry with the episode I watched and it convinced me even more why I hate that show.  So what happened?

So the main character (the dad) was a Christian.  He wanted to play as Jesus in a play but the pastor said, "You're too fat, you'd be better suited as playing as Santa Claus."  The dad didn't want to but he did it anyway.  He's miserable playing as Santa and then the play starts.  He looks to see who is playing as Jesus and it's this weird alien.  The dad starts to beat the alien up on public tv and a bunch of church leaders saw it on the news.  They all call the pastor (including the pope called him) and the pastor asks the dad to see him.  He tells the dad, "You're being kicked out of the church."  The dad can't believe it and to make matters worse the pastor says, "No not just the church, you're being kicked out of all Christianity."  Then he says, "Hand over your badge."  So the dad gives the pastor some badge that looks like a cross.  Then the pastor tells him there are three ways to become a Christian again.  He either has to kill the antichrist, find the holy grail, or give millions of dollars.  Turns out the dad's teenage daughter, her boyfriend had them adopt a baby, who turned out to be the antichrist.  The baby possesses the dad's son where he's crawling on the walls like a spider and is speaking Aramaic.  The dad gets beaten pretty badly by the baby.  So the teenage daughter sends the baby somewhere where the dad can't try to kill him.  The baby ends up being adopted by Sarah Palin. The dad survives and the alien says, "Oh, I found out I've been drinking out of the holy grail so now you're back in."

This made me so angry (seems like I'm getting angry often these days).  They made Christianity like some country club!  I admit, there may be some churches that treat it like a country club, and shame on them for doing that!  Christianity is FAR from being some country club.  People are being killed and persecuted all over the world for worshipping Christ.  Christianity is not an easy religion.  It's not like "Oh, I'm a Christian, I'm not going to have any more problems!  Life is going to be easy."  Far from it.  Dare I even say it's more difficult than someone who doesn't believe?  Jesus promised that life would not be easy for Christians.  "The world hated me first, therefore it will hate you too."  We are not loved by the world because they hated Jesus first.  Because we are associated with Jesus, we too will be hated.  We have to carry our crosses to follow Him.  We're not some social group where you just golf all day bragging about money (unfortunately there are people who claim to follow Christ and make it like that).  Many Christians don't even have money.  My husband and I are dead broke.  The only reason we're not living on the streets is because our parents are helping us.  My husband can't find a job and I'm disabled.  You don't get much money on disability and he's got no income.  We can hardly ever give money to the church because we're so poor.  One time when I went to Peru on a missions trip, I met a guy with Polio.  He had more joy than I had ever seen!  It's hard following Christ, but there are rewards in it too.  We learn there is someone who loves us more than we could ever imagine.  He loves us no matter how screwed up we are.  No matter what we've done, He still loves us.  He understands our pain and suffering.  We are never alone because He is always with us.  "I will never leave you nor forsake you."  We will suffer, but the creator of the universe is with us!  We are hated by the world, but we are loved by the creator of the world!  So go ahead, mock us, try to hurt us, but we will not be overcome by you.  The Romans tried to exterminate us, the radical muslims in the middle east are trying to destroy us.  But we will not be defeated.  Our God is greater than anything you could EVER do to us.

The Legalists

Okay so I had another topic I was going to write about today but that will have to wait until tomorrow.  This is one I've been experiencing for a couple of days and it really grinds my gears.

So I've been going on a game/forum called Gaia Online.  I'm part of a guild (and I'm considering leaving) called Jesus' Lilies - Sister's Guild.  I used to be in that guild years ago on a different account.  I thought I'd join it again since it was great back then.  I don't know what happened.  Things have changed.  They've become VERY legalistic.  I got in trouble once because I said Merry Christmas and asked what kind of Christmas traditions they had.  Then yesterday I got in trouble for talking about a movie that had Jesus in it (Alison's Choice)!  Apparently according to them I'm worshipping an idol of someone who LOOKS like Jesus.  I'm considering leaving the guild because they've become very legalistic.  These are the kind of people who won't celebrate Christmas because it originally celebrated Mithras, and Halloween because it's the holiday of the devil, and Easter because we don't actually know when Jesus died and the Easter Bunny!  Might as well not have birthday's since pagans celebrate that or a child's missing tooth because pagans believe in the tooth fairy!  This is crazy!  This legalistic idea and behavior will turn people away from Christ!  It will cause people to apostasize from Christianity!  It reminds me of how in Islam, you can't portray Muhammed or you're pretty much going to get killed.  Also Jehovah Witnesses if I'm correct don't really celebrate holidays either, including birthday's.

If you're legalistic, you're not going to like this, but, let me ask you this, are you REALLY a follower of Christ?  The legalists back in Jesus' time were very similar.  They prided on being perfect and knowing God, when really, their hearts were actually far from God.  They (as did many) believed when the Messiah would come, he'd be a king and destroy the Romans.  But what happened?  The Messiah came as a meek baby born in a stable, in a manger which by the way, was where the animals ate in!  He grew up and people didn't pay attention to him because he was a carpenter's son.  The legalists hated him.  They couldn't even see that he was the Messiah they had been waiting for.  You know what Jesus did?  He didn't pay attention to them.  He knew who he was and knew their hearts were hard.  So he turned to the people who were sick and weak, for their hearts were open to a Savior.  Jesus said it would be better for people to wear a millstone around their neck's if they caused little ones to stumble and turn away.  In other words, if they cause the weak to turn away from God, then they are going to be in some serious trouble.  If I were a new Christian and these people kept hammering me into the ground because of their legalism, I would walk away.  But I know Christ is not like them.  He loves me, broken and everything, just as much as he loves them.  Sometimes I wonder, if I were alive back in the day when Jesus walked on the earth, would he love me and accept me, or would he turn away from me?  The answer is easy, yet I struggle with it so much because I know of my brokenness.  Satan whispers in my ear, "How could he ever love someone like you?"  But Jesus says, "Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, for my yoke is light."  So would Jesus love and accept me?  Yes!  And he does with you too!  I believe it angers Christ when legalistic people hurt others with their legalism.  He says, "This is not who I am!  I love them and you are turning them away from me!"  In fact, I will probably get in trouble for saying that because I'm "putting words into God's mouth."  This is crazy!  It angers me to no end when people who claim to follow Christ lay down the law on them as if they are people God hates!  Let me tell you something, God doesn't hate ANYONE!  Do people anger him?  Of course!  Jesus got angry when people were selling things in the Temple.  Jesus got angry when people didn't believe he could raise Lazarus from the grave.  Jesus got angry, and it was righteous anger.  Are there people who do things that make him angry?  Of course!  But he still LOVES them!  As angry as these sort of people make me, Jesus said I have to love my friends AND my enemies.  I do love them despite my anger.

I've known people who aren't Christians because the church turned away from them.  The church said, "You're not worth it, your sin is too great!"  My heart breaks for these people.  These people don't know the love of God because Christians showed them his anger instead of his love.  I can't even begin to explain how angry this makes me feel.  I'm one of the worst people.  My sins are great. I've actually been called by another Christian a goat because I struggle with feeling suicidal!  In case you don't understand the reference, God said he would separate the goats and the sheep in the end times.  The sheep are his true followers who will go to heaven and live with him for eternity.  The goats however will go to hell instead.  The goats will say "When did we not serve you?"  God will then say, "Away from me, I never knew you."  So yea, another believer actually told me that while I think I'm a follower of Christ, in reality I don't and God is going to reject me and throw me into hell.  Another believer told my husband and I didn't have the Holy Spirit in us because we didn't have any "fruit."  In other words, we didn't have patience, kindness, and so on and so forth.  These things people told me I've really struggled with.  They showed me God's anger instead of God's love.  As hurtful as they are though, I know the real God.  He would never say such stuff to me.  Does he accept my sins?  No, that's why Jesus came and died for us.  He doesn't accept our sins.  But, he accepts us as his sons and daughters.  He loves us despite our sins.  If you don't get anything out of my blogs I want you to get this one message:  God loves you.  Jesus loves you.  No matter how filthy you feel, no matter what sins you've done, no matter how sick you are, no matter how unworthy you think you are (in reality, no one is worthy, but He makes us worthy), God....loves....you!  If you are a legalist I beg you, please, stop with the legalism!  This is not what Jesus came to die for!  He didn't come for the perfect and healthy people, he came for the sick and weak people.  He loves them just as much as he loves you.  You are just as unworthy of him as everyone else.  No one is truly worthy of his grace, but he gives it to us anyway.  So please, stop with the legalism!  Instead, love people.  Love those who are different from you.  Everyone has their own crosses to carry.  Instead of tearing them down and making their crosses heavier, lift them up and ease their burdens.  If you don't, you will eventually turn those who are believers who don't truly know God yet, to people who don't believe God loves them and walk away from Christ.  Show them his love, please!  If I could I would get down on my knees and beg you to stop this!  Show people God's love, not his anger!

Alison's Choice

Merry Christmas everyone!  There are a couple things I want to blog about but I'll just do one of them for now and the other one tomorrow.

For Christmas my husband got me a dvd of "Alison's Choice," a Bruce Marchiano film.  I've been wanting to see it ever since it came out, unfortunately it was only showing in a select few theaters and none were in my state.  If you want to see it, don't read this blog entry because I'l be revealing spoilers.  So again, if you don't want to read SPOILERS, DON'T READ THIS BLOG ENTRY!!!!



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Okay, so the film is about a girl named Alison (obviously).  She's a teenager in love with her boyfriend (who turns out to be quite the loser).  She finds out she's pregnant and when she tells her boyfriend (Rick) he encourages her to get an abortion because if she has the baby, it will tear their relationship apart.  She goes to an abortion clinic and while waiting in the waiting room, she's not really sure if she wants to go through with it or not.  She wants to to please her boyfriend, but while there when she wants to talk to him for comfort, all he does is talk to her through text.  He won't even go there to be with her.  In comes a janitor.  He starts talking to Alison and it turns out he's actually Jesus under disguise!  He tries to convince her as well as other women to not get abortions.  Every time a girl would go in to get an abortion, he'd start crying. At one point Alison asks him why he's crying and he says, My babies!  They're killing my babies!"  At that point, I nearly cried.  There's something about seeing Jesus cry that is really moving.  She goes in the back to be alone and starts sobbing on the floor.  She falls asleep for a short moment and she begins to dream about her and her baby (who is a girl) playing.  She wakes up finding out she was actually screaming in her sleep!  One of the nurses talks to her and tells her she's had 5,000 terminated.  She says she does want when she wants it.  Then the doctor comes in to talk to Alison and tells her she doesn't have a baby growing inside her, but it's a just a blob.  Alison questions him though about that.  She says "this baby has a heart that's beating!  If this weren't a baby, would it be growing with a heart beat?"  The doctor is at a loss and tells her basically it's her choice whether to keep it or to get rid of it.  She walks past a covered tray, curious about what's underneath the hidden part, but walks away.  Jesus tells her she shouldn't look under the hidden part, but she wanted to anyway.  He shows it to her (which the screen goes black, which means she probably saw a dead baby).  He also shows her what her baby looks like inside her.  Her boyfriend, the nurse, and the doctor all encouraged her to get an abortion.  But Jesus was trying to convince her differently.  In the end you don't know what her decision was, but in the credits you hear a little girl singing Jesus Loves Me and you hear Alison talking to her, so I assume she didn't go through with the abortion.  This is a very moving movie.  It is not common for me to cry in movies, but my eyes watered up in this movie.  I definitely recommend this movie to everyone!

Can You Be a Child of God with Mental Illness?

So I've been having a conversation with a friend about the topic "Can you be a child of God while struggling with mental illnesses?"  I find this topic very near and dear to me.

In case you are just starting to read my blog and don't already know, I struggle with mental illnesses - a lot of them.  I have ADHD, Asperger's Syndrome, PTSD, Schizoaffective (between bipolar and schizophrenia), severe Depression, and self-sabatouge.  I struggle with cutting.  I didn't want to come out and say this because I know there are some people who read my blog and I'm not really ready for them to find this out.  I almost went a year without cutting (next month would be a year).  I was planning on writing an ebook on how to overcome the struggles of cutting after not cutting for a year.  Unfortunately, I gave in yesterday.  I was really stressed out and started feeling suicidal again.  I wanted that feeling to go away so I wouldn't actually attempt anything.  So I cut my arm.  I'm not proud of that.  There are things I could've done instead and it's something I'm ashamed of.

Now, there are some people who believe if you're a child of God, you won't have any struggles as long as you rely on God.  This is not Biblical.  First off, when you say that, you are minimizing the struggles others have, and the struggles you have.  Sometimes I struggle with this in a sense too.  I have this weird belief in karma.  I tend to believe if you do something wrong, then something bad is going to happen to you.  But you know what?  That belief in itself is wrong too.  It's my way of trying to make sense of things that have been happening the last couple years.  But sometimes, bad things happen when you haven't done anything wrong.  Bad things happen to us sometimes and it's not our fault.  Just like we have struggles that aren't always our faults.  Now, some of my struggles are my fault.  I'm schizoaffective with a brain injury because of a suicide attempt back in 2009.  After having two massive overdoses in my life, I could possibly have kidney issues in the future.  These things are my fault.  I caused them.  Cutting is also my fault.  I choose to self-sabatouge.  But the rest of the mental illnesses I struggle with are not my fault.  None of these illnesses are God's fault either.  I don't blame Him at all for them.  Some of them have shaped me as a person to where I can help others who struggle.

Sometimes we go by our experience of God instead of what His Word says.  Sometimes I've done this myself.  This also is not Biblical.  When I was a teenager I literally hated God.  Based on my experiences, I thought God was just toying with me in some interstellar game.  I was a pawn.  I've had times where I was pissed off with God.  Why did He allow me to survive three suicide attempts?  You know what?  He's a big God and can handle my complaints.  I also know though that His Word sometimes says different things than my experiences do.  It's safe to say if His Word is not lined up with your experiences, your experiences are lying to you about God.  I've struggled with hearing voices, and a lot of times when I hear voices they are either talking to each other (like I'm listening in on a conversation), or they talk crap about God.  It angers me when that happens.  But what those voices are saying about God are not the truth.  Jesus said, "I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life."  What God says in His Word, is the truth, not my experiences, not the voices in my head, but His Word.  This is how He communicates with us.  When I used to think I was just a pawn to God, His Word says differently.  My favorite verse (Psalm 139) saved me because it says God created us in the innermost being.  He knit us together in our mother's wombs.  Just as the Psalmist says, "God's works are wonderfully made, I know that full well."  God didn't create pawns, He created living, breathing people.  As an artist myself, I can tell you there is no art better than what God has created.  Artists want to bring their artwork to life, God actually did that!  Jesus also said, "I am the Good Shepherd.  My sheep listen to my voice.  Nothing can snatch them out of my hands."  This is so powerful!  We are stupid like sheep.  When I think of this verse, I imagine myself being this little lamb that often gets itself into trouble.  There are hungry wolves all around me and I tend to separate myself from the rest of the flock and away from the shepherd.  But just as soon as the wolves are about to devour me, my sheherd comes to the rescue and beats the wolves so badly they run away with their tails between their legs.  Then the shepherd picks me up and puts me on His shoulders and takes me back to the rest of the flock.  As stupid sheep we will listen to a voice.  Sometimes we listen His voice, and sometimes we listen to another voice.  But even when we stray away, God ALWAYS brings us back to Him.  Nothing can truly take us away from Him.  We can walk away from Him, but to take us away from Him is impossible.

If you tell someone they're not a true child of God because of their mental illnesses, shame on you!  Even the Apostle Paul said he had a thorn in the flesh!  Elijah begged God to take his life!  You want to talk about depression?  Look at Jeremiah!  There are mental illnesses everywhere in the Bible!  Even Jesus experienced sadness and anger!  Are you going to say any of these people were not children of God?  Are you going to say Jesus wasn't really God because of His emotions?  If any of these people went by only their experiences, there's no way they would continue to follow God.  The difference is they KNEW God as He is, not based on experiences.  How do we know who God is?  By His Word.  All of the Apostles were brutally murdered except for John, though they tried to kill him.  We don't really know how John died, but he definitely lived past the others.  Don't you think any of them could've turned away from Christ for being killed for His name?  They could've, if they only went by their experiences.  But again, they knew God for who He really is, not just by experiences.  I'm not going to discount experiences all-together.  But if it comes between our experiences and His Word, the Word is the truth.  Jesus said, "I haven't come for the healthy, but for the sick."  God is not looking for perfect people.  The people who thought they were perfect Christ didn't even really bother with them.  You know why?  Because their hearts were hardened.  Jesus came for the weak and sick people because their hearts were open.  They were willing to change.  By saying children of God can't have mental illnesses, you might as well say they can't break any bones or even get illnesses like the flu or a cold!  We live in a fallen and corrupt world.  WE are fallen and corrupt people.  We will never be perfect until we die and go to heaven.  Christ would NEVER minimize our struggles.  I have a great movie called "The Encounter: Paradise Lost".  Without giving too much away, Jesus shows up in person during a storm at a hotel, where there's a couple who own the hotel, a drug smuggler with his wife and bodyguard, and a DEA Special Agent.  The drug smuggler's (Bruno) wife is hooked on crack.  She's practically dying without it.  She says how her pain isn't real and she feels it because she hasn't reached enlightenment.  Jesus says though that he will never discount the pain she feels.  It's the same thing.  Christ will never minimize the pain we feel.  He will never minimize our struggles.  He doesn't say, "Get your act straight and then we'll talk."  No.  He accepts us where we are, who we are.  End of story.  So what you're not perfect!  No one but Christ is!  He's not expecting us to be perfect, nor our lives to be perfect.  He takes us as we are: broken.  He gave us His Word, His "love letter" so we would know the truth.  Not by our experiences, but by His Word.  So if you are struggling, don't be disheartened.  Christ came to "overcome the world."  He's bigger than our struggles.  Can He take our struggles away?  Yes, but He doesn't always do that.  More often He doesn't.  But He uses those struggles to bring us closer to Him and to shape us in His image.  We are broken reflections of Him, but some day we will be perfect image-bearers.  That won't happen until we die though.  He understands where we are.  He doesn't take pleasure in our suffering, but He does when we overcome them!  If you are telling people though that because of their struggles they aren't children of God, then shame on you and I pray to God He'll have mercy on you.

This is probably the longest blog I've ever written, but I had to get these things off my chest.  I hope they will be helpful to you.  God bless.

Dream

So I had this dream last night, and I think it's my brain trying to make sense of things from last year and this year.

So in my dream, I had two final papers to write at school and then I was graduating.  The papers were on if I could go anywhere in the world, where would I want to go to and why?  The first one was Kyoto, Japan.  I love Japanese history.  The second one was Waikiki Beach in Hawaii.  I've been there before and loved it there.  I've also been playing Pokemon Sun for more than 90 hours which is loosely based on Hawaii so that's probably where I got the want to go back.  After I turned in the papers I headed to my graduation.

As I head to the graduation ceremony, one of my best friends handed me a letter and said it was from someone who used to be a really good friend of mine.  I thought it was odd since I haven't talked to this person in over a year.  Everyone kept telling me to not read it, but there was a part of me that wanted to believe it would be a good letter.  I started to read the letter during the ceremony to myself and it said a bunch of horrible stuff.  Included was a passport and the letter said "You can go anywhere you want with this passport, just leave the country or I'm going to come after you."  I cried and couldn't read the rest of the letter (by the way, I'm choosing not to put their names on here because I'd rather not dishonor them like they have to me).  All of a sudden the two former friends came into the graduation ceremony with weapons and everyone panicked.  I tried to run away from them and hide, but the caught up to me.  My former best friend was laughing and had apparently betrayed me for over $994,000.  The other friend was going to torture me now that he had caught me.  He was either going to pull out my teeth molars, or sew glass into my skin where the bones are (like the elbows, I think this part of the dream represents my problem with cutting).  As he started sewing glass into me (obviously no anesthesia), a female archer came in.  She came from Japan and started shooting arrows at everyone who was trying to hurt me.  She came to save me.

I know, crazy dream right?  There are some details in there though that seem to close to real-life events though to be just a dream.  That's why I think it's my brain trying to make sense of things.  The letter in my dream?  Earlier this year my husband, mom, and former friend had been e-mailing back and forth to each other trying to end things on good terms.  The final e-mail my husband and mom got was really bad and they told me not to read it, without actually telling me what was in it.  I ignored them though and read it.  It was so bad I literally couldn't read the whole e-mail.  One of my best friends did betray me, but I'm not going to get into details what happened.  I have tried to escape what all happened last year and this year, but it seems like no matter how far I seem to go, the problems with these two people always seems to come back to haunt me.  The female archer, I guess I've just so badly wanted someone to save me from all this.  All these crippling problems.  I woke up really sad this morning.  Memories from these two friends just came pouring out when I woke up.  Memories I can't seem to be able to forget.

How about you?  Do you ever have dreams that seem to be your brain trying to make sense of events in your life?

The Holy Spirit and Our Fruits

A friend recommended I blog on this topic so here it goes.

Last year my husband and I were driving and we came across a guy holding a sign about how sinner's are going to hell.  People who do this really enrage us.  How can they think they can reach people by condemning them without even knowing them?  My husband and I stopped by and pretended to be atheists (my husband mostly, I just sat there).  Eventually we told the guy we were actually Christians trying to test him, so he could see his way would not work for people.  This guy said we weren't really Christians and didn't have the Holy Spirit in us because we didn't have any fruit.  This was really hurtful for me.  I think my husband was able to shrug it off like it was nothing, but it really bothered me for a while.

Another time several years ago I was on a missions trip.  While I was there I told someone that I struggled with depression.  They brought me to a group of several of the leaders and tried to cast out a demon out of me!  I was expecting I'd foam at the mouth or start convulsing but nothing happened.  So twice my Christianity has been questioned, and that's not all the times this year it's been questioned due to my political views!

Let's take a look at what fruit are.  When someone talks about the fruit of the Spirit, they mean love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control  (Galatians 5:22).  I will admit, I don't have every single one of them, though I don't think there's anyone who truly had all of them (other than Jesus).  Just because we don't have all of them though, does that mean we really don't have the Holy Spirit in us?  Don't get me wrong though, just because we don't have all of them, it doesn't mean we don't need to work on them still.  The ones I mostly struggle with are joy, peace, patience, goodness, and self-control (in my opinion).  That's quite a bit that I don't have, but that doesn't give me an excuse to not work on them.  We need to ask God to help us receive the ones we don't have, and they will take work.  Like patience?  There's a saying to never pray for patience because God won't just give it to you, He'll teach it to you which means you're going to have a lot of opportunities to practice that patience; but if you don't have it, it will drive you to insanity!

Now that we know what it means to have fruit, what does it have to do with us?  If we don't have all of them, does that mean we don't have the Holy Spirit in us?  Nope.  To have the Holy Spirit in you doesn't really have to do with the fruit (I know I'm going to get in trouble for saying that, but hear me out).  The fruit of the Spirit is for those who ALREADY have the Spirit in them.  To know someone by their fruit is to recognize they follow Christ, but it doesn't determine whether you have the Spirit in you.  You want to know how to know if you have the Spirit in you?  Recognize Jesus' love for you.  Believe that He sacrificed Himself for you and realize you need Him to be saved.  Saved from what?  The darkness of the world and the darkness in ourselves.  We are slaves to the darkness, but Jesus releases us from its bondage.  To have the Holy Spirit in you means Jesus paid the price for you.  While you were a slave to darkness, Jesus bought you and set you free!  No longer are we slaves to death and the darkness, we become children of God!  We go from slave to children of the King!  To have the Holy Spirit in you means you are child of God.  "But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you."  (John 14:26)  The Holy Spirit will teach us and remind us of everything Jesus has said.  The Holy Spirit will show us what we do wrong.  The Holy Spirit will help us grow more into the people God created us to be.

Emotions and Darkness

So today just before seeing my therapist for some odd reason, out of nowhere, I had the urge to cut.  I seriously have no idea where that came from.  I thought about it and thought, "It must be my addiction talking because I can't figure out what could've triggered it."  My husband tried to help me through it.  I was scared because I didn't want to cut, but if the urge continued to get stronger and I couldn't fight it anymore, I would look for something to cut myself with.  I kept trying to fight it and I prayed that God would help me through it.

Over the last couple days I've been watching "Star Trek Continues" (which btw is really good).  In one of the episodes, there was this massive alien sending some sort of shockwaves at the Enterprise.  With these shockwaves, there was something in them that would cause people to not be able to control their emotions.  You know who it effected the most?  Spock.  Strange right?  He's always so logical, never really seeming like he has emotions.  But the thing is, he actually just bury's his emotions.  He said, "You need to lock me up.  My emotions are uncontrollable and there is a darkness inside me that no one knows."  I really related to this in a strange way.  You see, Aspies aren't really known to be very emotional, but if you know me or have been reading my blog, you know that's not the case with me.  My emotions tend to be stronger than the average person instead.  They're amplified and often are uncontrollable.  I too see a darkness in me that I often fear will show it's ugly face and I won't be able to repress it.  When one of our friends passed away this year, I wouldn't allow myself to cry because I knew if I did, I would feel weak, and when I feel weak, I punish myself by cutting.  So at the funeral I did not cry, I wanted to, but I didn't allow myself to.  I told myself I could cry when I was back home.  Unfortunately, I buried it so much that I still haven't cried over it.  I'm still grieving, but the tears have not come yet.  It makes me feel almost alien, not human, which makes me want to cut too so burying my emotions didn't help.

We all have a darkness inside us, a darkness that no one truly knows about.  A darkness we fear will show up and won't be able to control it.  But there is someone who does know, Christ.  He knows the deep darkness inside all of us, and loves us anyway.  For me, I think Christ actually helps me control that darkness in a sense.  He helps me to keep it locked up.  Of course, if it breaks through, that is my fault for not allowing Him to help me.  We tend to think we can do things on our own.  But the truth is we can't.  We were not meant to be alone.  When we allow Jesus to heal our deep wounds, we bind that darkness inside of us.  That darkness becomes weaker.  But the more we try to do things on our own, the darkness grows.  That is why we've got to bring our darkness to the cross.  That's why we have to ask for help.  I'm not saying share your deepest darkest problems with the world, but you need others to help you carry that burden.  We can't carry it ourselves.  When we try to carry it ourselves, we turn to things that may help us temporarily, but in the long run, it hurts us more.  We need to fix our eyes on Jesus, only He can free us from our bondage.

The End is Nigh

I don't talk much about "The End Times," but I thought I'd discuss it a little bit today.  My husband and I have differing views on it and I'm not completely sure what I believe about it as of right now.  So I thought I'd share my thoughts.

First, a little rant.  There have been times where I've heard people say, "I'm a Christian my family are all Christians, my children are Christians, I'm just waiting for Jesus to come back now."  That's great you and your family are Christians, but why wait?  What I mean is there is so much that needs to be done in this dying world.  We were not called to just sit on our butts all day waiting for Jesus to come back.  We were called to preach the Gospel all over the world, baptizing people in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, the Great Commission (Matthew 28:18-20).  Think of all the lost and hurting people in the world.  Don't they deserve to hear the Good News just as much as anyone else?  We have a mission here, we were born with this mission, to know Him and to make Him known.

Okay so on to the End Times.  People have been saying for many generations, "Jesus is coming back soon!"  The question is, how soon?  Here's my thought: before He comes back, things are going to get worse, MUCH worse than they are now.  You think immorality and lawlessness is bad now?  It's going to get a hell of a lot worse before He comes back!  You may ask, "How can things get much worse than they are now?"  In the days of Noah (Matthew 24:37).  Are we going through some of that?  Yes, but I don't think it's quite at the extent as what happened then.  Think about it, things got so bad that God literally had to destroy nearly everyone and everything!  Things were so bad, God actually regretted creating people (Genesis 6:6).  No doubt though, things are getting really bad.  Take child sacrifices for instance.  I know you don't want to hear it, but it's very important.  People think child sacrifices were in the past, but they're not, they happen right here in the US!  Only it's called by a different name: Abortion.  How is abortion the same as child sacrifice?  Abortion is killing the baby at the alter of convenience.  They don't want the child, or it's going to be born disabled and they don't want to raise a disabled child, so they abort it.  They are literally sacrificing the child at the alter for the god of convenience!  There are also things going on today that also happened in Sodom and Gomorra.  Homosexuality.  Gay sex ran rampant.  There were men who even wanted to rape angels who were in male forms (Genesis 19).  Last year, gay marriage became legal everywhere in the US.  We are seeing Sodom and Gomorra play out all over again.  No one wants to hear the truth anymore, they'd rather hear what they want to hear, itchy ears.

Yes, things are bad, but they're going to get much worse.  So what do we do?  We keep praying and we keep preaching the Gospel.  We do our mission until God calls us home.  Everyone needs to hear the Gospel and have a chance to accept Jesus.  If they refuse to, then that is their fault, not yours.  But if you don't preach the Gospel to all people, then that is your fault.  We must complete our mission!

Keep Going

So for the past three weeks I've been doing some intense (at least for me it's intense) working out.  I've been working out nearly every day for three weeks.  Mostly doing the treadmill for 30 minutes (changing the speed every five minutes).  It's really taken a toll on my knees quite honestly, to the point I feel crippled and can hardly walk.  This week I've been focusing on weight training.  Since my knees have been so bad this week I decided to work on upper body mostly today.  This week I had decided to do three times a week instead of every day that way it gives my knees a rest.

I've been married for six years and in the six years I've been married, I've gained 100 pounds.  My healthy weight needs to be between 140-150 pounds.  When I got married I was around 190 pounds, so I was already getting pretty overweight.  But then a couple months ago I was 296 pounds, the largest I've ever been so far!  It was very discouraging.  Part of me was thinking, "How did I ever get this big?"  I felt like if I reach 300 pounds, I'm going to feel like a complete failure.  Off and on I've tried to control my eating.  I start out really good, but then I crash and burn and go back to my old ways.  Conquering an addiction is extremely difficult, especially when it's something like eating or even drugs and alcohol.  Most addictions (or at least the ones I've had), while it's not easy to conquer, you can live without them.  Pornography, cutting, those you can live without.  But eating?  You can't stop eating altogether, you have to eat to survive!

Every time I think about losing weight, I feel really discouraged because all my other past attempts have ended in failure miserably.  I think about how I need to lose around 150 pounds and that just feels so unattainable.  Three weeks ago I found a costume I really want to wear for AWA (Anime Weekend Atlanta) next year, but the largest size it comes in is 2X, I'm a 3X.  I thought, "Going down one dress size in a year could possibly be attainable."  So I became very determined.  On top of which I decided instead of just focusing on my diet (which is important), I'm going to include exercise.  As much as I hate dieting and exercising, I hate my weight even more.  I hate when people stare at me more.  I hate feeling like I could crush my husband because I'm so large (he's really skinny).  I'm down to 287 pounds right now.  Without exercising, the lowest I can get down to is 286.  I'm hoping that including exercising will help me reach past that.  If I can even get to 285 that would be so encouraging because that'll tell me "I can do this!"

No matter what pain you're going through, whether it's emotional or physical, you've got to keep going.  There are many times I don't want to exercise, especially with my knee problems.  But you know what?  I go anyway.  I work myself until the pain actually becomes numb (I don't know if that's a good thing though).  I work-out until I'm soaked with sweat (generally).  There are so many times I just want to lay in bed all day.  There are times I want to give up.  But I can't give up.  Not only do I really want to wear that costume, but my life is on the line, seriously.  I'm considered morbidly obese and if I keep gaining weight, I will literally eat myself to death.  I've got to get this under control NOW before it's too late!  So no matter how discouraged you feel, you've got to keep going.  No matter how much it hurts, you've got to push yourself to the limit!  One of my big motivators is Goku from Dragonball Z.  He's constantly pushing himself past his limit when he's training; I'm trying to do the same thing (though my work-outs aren't nearly like his).  Try to find something that really motivates you to keep going.  Maybe it's something simple like a costume, maybe it's something really important like your family.  Find something and keep pushing for it.  Believe me, no matter how difficult it is, it will be worth it!  My husband printed out a picture of the character I want to cosplay as next year and put it on the fridge.  Every time I go to the fridge (or the kitchen in general) because I want to eat, I look at that picture and think, "Whatever I'm about to eat, will it help me reach my goal or will it hinder it?"  Of course, no matter how much weight I lose, I'll never look like an anime character, that's just not realistic.  But I can get to a healthy weight for me.  If you want help to feel motivated, encouraged, or even accountability for healthy living, you can join my group on Facebook, "Weight-Loss Accountability Group", here's the link:  https://www.facebook.com/groups/1205523512816711/

You can do this!

Shiro

My little boy, Shiro, is about 6 1/2 years old.  We rescued him five years ago.  I was never a cat fan, in fact, I used to joke saying cats were spawns of Satan.  My parents weren't cat fans either.  My husband and I have been married for six years.  Five years ago when we were living in Charlotte, NC, my husband was laid off from work.  We weren't sure what to do because we had no income coming in at all.  At the time I wasn't on disability yet.  We couldn't afford to live in our apartment anymore, so we were looking into other apartments that were cheaper (we ended up moving to Knoxville, TN and lived next door to my husband's parents).  At one apartment complex we were looking into moving to, we saw a white cat.  He instantly stole my heart.  He was the most beautiful cat I had ever seen before!  He was also very thin.  We asked someone who was working at the apartment office about him and they said his owners used to live there, but when they moved they left their cat behind.  He'd been on his own (we don't know for how long) and the neighbors were getting upset because at night he'd sleep in front of their doors on the welcome mat.  My heart sank.  For the first time in my life, I really wanted a cat.  We tried to go out and see him, but he was so scared he'd run away.  I talked to my husband about it and he said, "There's no way we can take him in right now, we don't have them money to take care of him."  So I prayed every night asking God, "Please let us be able to take care of this cat, if not us, have someone else take him in please."  We'd go visit the apartment complex a couple times after getting some cat treats to see if we could get close to him.  He was very scared like a feral cat, but when he heard the treats shaking he'd slowly come over, which showed us there was some part of him that was still tame.  We'd put some treats on the ground and he'd check them out.  The last time we went to see him, the lady working at the office said they were going to call the pound to pick him up.  I told my husband, "We have to take him in.  If we don't, there's a chance he won't make it.  Puppies and kittens are easy to adopt out, but adult animals aren't as easily adoptable."  My husband and I discussed it with each other and talked to a friend about it too who had a lot of cats.  We discussed that until we had the money, she could maybe take care of him for us. When we talked to our parents about it, they were completely against it.  My husband and I thought about it and decided to go against our parents wishes and take him in.

The apartment complex trapped him twice, since the first time he actually escaped.  When we got there and they had him trapped, we could hear his pitiful whining.  He was so scared.  The first thing we did was take him to the vet.  I had a hard time figuring out a name for him.  I knew I wanted a Japanese name though.  We called the vet a couple times and I kept changing the name because I couldn't decide on one.  My friend and I thought about it and we came up with the name Shiro, which is Japanese for "white."  We took him to the vet and he was very much like a feral cat.  He also had his claws so it was difficult getting near him.  When the vet took him out to weigh him, he escaped and ran under something (I forgot what it was since I wasn't in the room with them) and kept hissing at them.  I think they had to wear gloves too because of his claws.  They eventually got him and did blood work for him but that was about it.  They couldn't even clip his nails!  When they finished they gave him back to us and told us how difficult he had been.  We really struggled, but we were able to pay for the vet bills.

Before we had trapped him, we bought him food and cat litter and it was all waiting, ready for him back at our apartment.  We discussed that we wouldn't tell the apartment complex yet about us having a cat because it would cost extra and we were really tight on money.  When we brought Shiro home, we put him in our bathroom.  I made him a bed under the bathroom sink and I had heard when bringing in a cat to a new area, leave one area that's small for them to get used to.  The bathroom was the perfect place.  We let him out in the bathroom and not only did he go under the sink, he somehow climbed into one of the drawers!  Our plan for not telling the apartment complex wasn't going to work.  We called them to come and told them the situation and they brought someone from maintenance with them.  They literally had to break the drawer to get Shiro out.  We realized the bathroom wasn't going to work.  Now that the complex knew we had a cat, we had to pay extra money, which we really didn't have.  Maintenance was okay with fixing the drawer after a few days.  My husband and I decided we would have Shiro in our bedroom instead of the bathroom.  There wasn't really anywhere he could get himself in trouble in there.  He hid under the bed for hours.  I couldn't fit under the bed, plus I didn't want to scare him even more.  So I just sat in the bedroom hoping he'd come out eventually.  That night our church was having a speaker come who was going to talk about art and Christianity.  I had actually been looking forward to it, but now that Shiro was here, I wanted to stay at home for him.  The pastors wife called me and told me I needed to go because she thought I would really enjoy it and I had made plans to go.  This made me really angry.  I didn't want to leave Shiro all alone.  I explained to her we had just rescued a cat but she didn't really seem to care.  But I went anyway.  It was a good talk, but I was still upset the whole time I was there. I just kept thinking about how scared Shiro was.  That night when I got back home, he had not come out to eat or use the litterbox yet.  He stayed under the bed for hours.  Finally at about two or there in the morning while my husband and I were asleep, we heard his pitiful whining.  My husband turned to me and said, "Honey, the baby needs you."  We both got up though and put food in his bowl.  He eventually came out and started eating.  Even though he was really scared of me, for weeks he wouldn't eat unless I was watching him.  When I'd get near him he'd scratch me up pretty badly.  But I didn't care, I knew he was really scared.

It took about a month before he finally started to trust me.  It took about another month before he started trusting my husband.  Once he started trusting us a bit more and we were able to get a kitty carrier for him, we took him to the Humane Society to get him neutered.  It was cheaper at the Humane Society than the vet.  We also had them clip his nails (I think it was only five bucks to get them trimmed there).  As we were leaving we felt really bad.  We saw some of the cats in little cages waiting to be adopted and they looked so miserable.  It made me so sad to see them and I thought "I wish I could adopt them all."  My husband felt bad too, though his feelings were different from mine. He was thinking more of how he was glad he didn't have to get neutered because, er, yea, for obvious reasons.  We were able to pick up Shiro in a few hours and unlike at the vets office, they were actually able to trim his nails.  I don't remember very much of what he was like after we got him back, I think he was really tired but I really don't remember much.  We fed Shiro as much as we could when we first got him because he looked like he was starving when we first got him.  He was very underweight.  So every time his food bowl was empty, we'd fill it up more.  Eventually he was not only not underweight, he began to get overweight!  When we took him to the vet again, he was now about fifteen pounds!  The normal weight he needed to be was ten pounds.  Since he was no longer "starving," we realized we needed to limit his food.  You see, for years I've struggled with my own weight.  I didn't want him to end up like me.  Obesity is also very common with cats and he really doesn't exercise very much (like most house cats).  He mostly sleeps all day.  We'd get him toys but he didn't play with them much.  Even after limiting how much food he'd get (one cup in the morning and one cup at night), he still wasn't losing weight.  So we put him on weight control food.

Today he weighs about 11 pounds.  He loves my husband and I and really seems to trust us.  He's still scared of other people, but there are some exceptions too.  He seems to trust women more than men.  My husband and I think his previous owner might've been a man and must've been abusive or something.  Shiro never has to worry about being out in the rain because he has no shelter anymore.  He never has to worry about being kicked out or abandoned.  He never has to worry about not having a place to sleep.  He never has to worry about not eating for a day.  He's a very happy kitty.  I can't have children, so he's the closest I have to having a child.  Sometimes he scratches me still, but that's only when I cuddle with him too much.  He really doesn't care too much about being cuddled with.  Sometimes I can't help it though.  I have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), and when I cuddle with him, it helps calm me down.  Even when I have nightmares sometimes, he'll come up to me and start giving me "kitty kisses."  Even our parents have accepted him!  My parents who hate cats have even grown to love him.  My mom has even said, "I'm glad you rescued him."  They say when you rescue an animal, you are healing them.  I hope that's true, but you know what I know is true?  Shiro has been one of my healers too (my husband and God are on that list too)!

I know he can't read this, but Shiro, thank you for letting me take you in.  Thank you for being my little angel.  I don't know where I'd be without you.  You're very precious to me and I'm so glad I get to be your cat-mom.  Love you, mommy's little boy <3

Update

I figured I'd give a little update on what's going on with me.

I've gone nine months without cutting!  Most of my scars on my arms are actually fading quite nicely.  It's actually kinda hard to notice them!  I've also decided to start working out and working on my diet.  I've gone a week (not perfectly) working on this and on Sunday I weighed myself and in two months I had lost 9 pounds!  Unfortunately, I was stupid and baked lemon bars and after having two yesterday, I weighed myself this morning to see how bad it was....I gained 3 pounds in one day?!  It was pretty discouraging.  It's really hard for me to lose weight.  Some of my medications contribute to weight gain and there's nothing I can do about that.  But it just means I may have to work harder than "normal" people.  I've been trying to walk on the treadmill for thirty minutes every day.  I'm also trying to eat the bare minimum (for breakfast and dinner I have to have at least 300 calories for my medication).  I try to eat "healthier" snacks during the day too, but I only eat them when I feel like I absolutely HAVE to.  After finding out I gained 3 pounds in one day, I've pretty much told myself "NO deserts until I lose enough weight and can maintain the healthy weight!"

I've also found out since yesterday that I'm apparently dairy intolerant.  I knew I was lactose intolerant, but it looks like I'm also dairy intolerant.  This means I have to take even MORE medicine!  I have to cook my eggs differently now too.  I can't cook it in butter anymore, I have to use live oil instead.  The taste is still the same or really close, the difference is cooking eggs in butter make them a little more fluffy, and cooking them in olive oil makes them a bit greasy.

I have arthritis in my knees and the more I work out, the more my knees feel like they're going to fall off.  Sometimes I work out until the pain goes away and I just feel numb.

You may be wondering what's made me so determined to work out and work on my dieting.  If you know me, you know I tend to burn out really quickly.  I'm good for about two or three weeks and then I completely burn out.  There's still a chance that will happen this time too.  But you see, I really want to go back to Anime Weekend Atlanta next year and there's a costume I'm wanting to wear there (which I'm hoping I will get for Christmas).  Unfortunately, the biggest size I could find on Amazon is one dress size smaller than me.  I'm a 3X and the costume is a 2X.  I'm determined to get in that costume though.  While losing 140 pounds seems so impossible to me, going down one dress size in a year feels somewhat doable.  I'm hoping this week or next week I can get past 286.  286 lbs seem to be the lowest I've been able to get down to, but that was when I was trying to work on dieting without exercising.  Now that I'm adding exercising, I'm hoping I can get past 286.  Even going down to 285 would be a really big encouragement for me because that would tell me "I can do this!"

I've been really upset over this election.  I've lost so many friends, had my Christianity questioned, had my intelligence questioned, and had my character attacked over this stupid thing just because I voted for Trump!  This is ridiculous!  So the next election that happens, I'm not going to post anything political anymore because it's so stupid.  I'll just keep who I'm voting for to myself (and my family).  It's really effected me terribly.  I even lost one of my best friends for many years to politics! You have no idea how much this has  pissed me off and really hurt me.  But I'm not going to rant over it.  That's not what this blog is about.

That's about all I can think of for an update.  My depression has its ups and downs.  Sometimes I have okay days, and sometimes I have really low days.  I've just got to survive.  As much as I want to thrive, if I never do then oh well, I've just got to at least survive.


Here's a funny video to lift the mood :)

Autism/BPD

My final blog on mental health is addressing Autism/Asperger's Syndrome and Borderline Personality Disorder.

It is said when you meet one person you meet with Autism, that's just it, one person.  There is a huge spectrum of different forms of Autism and different severities of Autism.  My husband and I for example are in the Asperger's Syndrome area, though they are now taking that term out and just calling it Autism.  I can only speak as how it affects me though, since we are not all the same.  For example, my husband is a genius (and a lot of people with Autism are as well), I did not get that part though.  I am an artist, not an intellectual (not saying you can't be both).

So what is life like with Asperger's?  It's hard to say since I don't know what it's like to not have it.  I was diagnosed with it at the end of 11th grade, but it's not like an illness you catch like the flu or something, it's something you're born with.  So while I know what it was like before being officially diagnosed with it, I don't know what it's like to NOT have it.

Ever since I was a kid, I've always known something was different about me from other kids.  I got bullied a lot so that didn't help much either.  While I did play with friends, there were a lot of times where I just stuck to myself.  While I didn't get the genius part like a lot of people with Asperger's get, I got a very different thing.  I'm odd for someone with Asperger's honestly.  Most people with Asperger's (again, I said most not all) aren't really in touch with their emotions.  They feel emotions don't get me wrong, but they don't really understand what they are feeling.  This is why they often appear to not feel things, they don't understand what they're feeling so they seem cold and distant.  I know they're not cold though.  Before my husband and I started dating, sometimes my husband seemed cold, but I know he's not cold and he has learned what some of these feelings are since we've been together.  On the other hand, I feel emotions too strongly.  I get hurt easily because I take everything to heart.  My emotions are stronger than most "normal" people.  When I love, I love a lot. When I hurt, I hurt a lot.  When I'm pissed, I'm REALLY pissed.  Etc etc.

People on the Autism spectrum typically don't understand social cues.  They make absolutely NO SENSE to us.  We could say or do something really offensive and not realize it because we just don't get it.  If we are offensive, please tell us, bluntly (don't beat around the bush), but gently at the same time.  We really don't mean to be offensive.  My husband and I went to a church for maybe about a year and were in a small group there.  It was a couples group.  Honestly, I felt like I didn't really belong, until towards the end.  People seemed to start talking to me more.  I had gotten in trouble once for sharing too much.  I was really struggling with my faith, and when I asked the group to pray for me they got upset and told me not to talk abut that.  It really hurt, but I eventually got over it.  My husband and I had told them if we said or did anything offensive, they needed to tell us because we literally don't understand social protocols.  They never told us we did or said anything offensive.  Sometimes we'd even go up to the leader and ask, "How did we do?  Did we say or do anything offensive?"  They would say, "No you were just fine."  One morning after church, the senior pastor came up to us and said the group no longer wanted us anymore.  It came to a shock to us.  I actually started crying.  He said, "It's not you they have a problem with, it's your husband!  He acts like he's trying to take over the group!"  That really infuriated me.  My husband was not trying to take over the group.  He gets passionate about the Bible but he was not trying to take over.  If they really thought he was trying to take over they should've told us!  We never went back to that church again.  Even thinking back about that stirs pain inside me.

The other thing I was going to discuss was BPD or Borderline Personality Disorder.  Some doctors have diagnosed me with this, others have said it's just part of my Asperger's.  It's a bit difficult to explain because I still don't really understand it.  All I really know are some of the symptoms I've had.  I suppose being really emotional is one of the symptoms.  Like I said, when I get hurt, I really get hurt.  I struggle with self-mutilation.  Now, if you struggle with this, that doesn't mean you have BPD, but it is a symptom.  I've done it since the 9th grade and a bad medication was actually what triggered it for me.  I was off and on with cutting but last year it got so bad I was doing it three times a week.  At that point I realized I really had a problem.  Not only was I doing it more often, but I was cutting deeper as well to get the same effect.  I did it to either feel numb or punish myself.  Was it the right thing to do?  Of course not!  But it was what seemed to help me.  At the time, my psychiatrist told my husband to just let me do it because I will eventually grow out of it.  In January this year, I decided I was going to stop and find a better coping skill.  There have been times I've come really close to cutting again, but I have not cut since around January 14th, so nearly nine months!  My hope is if I can go a year without cutting I can write a free e-book for those who are struggling to quit but want to quit.  I want it to be a free resource so money isn't an excuse.  If you really want to quit, you can!  You need a lot of support to get through it, and you need to learn better coping skills, but it is possible to quit!  There are other symptoms, but I don't feel comfortable right now to get into them.  If you are struggling with BPD or think you may have it, you may e-mail me and we can talk about it.  Just put in the subject of the e-mail that you found me on my blog:  allieliconapeters@gmail.com

Schizoffactive

What is Schizoaffective?  Well, it's pretty much a combination between Schizophrenia and Bipolar.  I've never known anyone with this except for myself, and I was only diagnosed with it last year in the spring so it's a bit of a new term for me.  I don't think it's something I've always had though.  My brain injury I got from my first suicide attempt in 2009 caused a lot of problems, and giving me a form of psychosis is one of them.  We didn't have a name for what kind of psychosis I had until last after my second suicide attempt.

So what is it like living with Schizoaffective?  It's not easy that's for sure, but then again, is any mental illness truly easy to live with?  So I guess I'll start from the beginning.

In the summer of 2010 I got married to the best man in the world.  Up to that time I hadn't really had much of an issue with things Schizophrenia's have.  I had depression but that seemed to be most of the problem other than things like forgetting everything.  I hadn't really had much hallucinations other than right after my suicide attempt.  But about a year after getting married, I started having weird hallucinations.  I'd either see bugs crawling around (which is one I still currently have) or I'd see something like I was surrounded by jail cell bars.  I wasn't really hearing voices yet either and my paranoia seemed to be normal.  I thought it was strange though seeing these things.  So my husband and I went to a few different doctors and none of them could really figure out what was wrong with me.  One actually said I was almost in a constant place between being awake and asleep.  Basically, it was like I was dreaming while I was awake.  It didn't make much sense to me honestly.  Over the years though it started getting worse.  I started hallucinating other things almost on a daily basis (like I thought I saw my cat running in the bedroom, but he was really in another room with my husband).  Sometimes I would see faces.  I started hearing voices as well.  They didn't really tell me to do anything, it was mostly like listening in on a conversation with multiple voices.  Sometimes they did talk to me though.  I really hated that because when they'd talk to me, it was always really horrible stuff.  They'd say awful things about God and I really didn't want to hear it.  Sometimes they'd shout at me.  Some nights I would wake up in the middle of the night hearing someone scream my name, but it turned out there was no one there.  Then the paranoia came.  I became so paranoid over everything that I thought at one point the ground was going to swallow me while I was at church, and I also thought my mother-in-law was trying to poison me (we lived next door to my in-laws).  Things started getting really bad so we told my psychiatrist.  It turned out I had some form of psychosis (though at the time we didn't have a label for what kind I had).  I started going on an anti-psychotic and that for the most part helped.  But it seemed like we had to keep increasing it until we increased it to the maximum dose, then finally the voices went away and the hallucinations seemed to have also.  My paranoia seemed more bearable as well.

This year things started to change.  I started getting really nauseas after I'd take my anti-psychotic, sometimes even end up puking.  I talked to my psychiatrist about it and we tried dividing it up, like taking half of it in the morning and half of it at night.  The nausea still didn't go away.  So we tried a different drug altogether.  The nausea went away, but the hallucinations started coming back.  We've tried several different drugs and the same thing happens.  I hallucinate about 2-3 times a week, but no voices and paranoia is bearable.  So now I've come to realize I may have to always live with these hallucinations.  They've become more vivid and realistic (though sometimes they're so ridiculously random I end up laughing - earlier this summer I had one where I saw a floating green hotdog/cucumber thing).  It can be scary when you hallucinate though because when it happens, you (or at least for me) lose all sense of what is real and what isn't.  It's very frightening.  But now I expect them to happen so I've come to sort of just live with them now.  Some weeks are better than others.  Last week I hallucinated 5-6 times so that was pretty difficult for me.  They seem to get worse when I feel stressed out.  A couple days ago I thought I saw a snake crawling on the wall and go behind one of my massive asian fans.  I told my husband and he looked and said there was nothing there.  Sometimes they freak me out so badly I end up sleeping on the couch instead so then I don't have to think about what I just saw in the bedroom.  They mostly happen at night, though sometimes they happen during the day too.  I tend to be able to tell more they're hallucinations when they happen during the day though.  Like sometimes I'll hear a downpour, but when I go outside, it's not raining at all.  One time I saw a big beatle scurry across my foot (I was barefoot), I saw it but didn't feel it, so I knew it was a hallucination.  The hallucinations I tend to have the most of I think are of bugs.  I can't drive anymore because the way I perceive things when I'm behind the wheel.  It's almost like a hallucination.  Cars that are actually moving sometimes appear to be parked to me, and it only happens when I'm driving.  I haven't driven since shortly after my first suicide attempt in 2009.

So I've told you about the Schizophrenia part, what about the Bipolar part?  Well, there are two types of Bipolar.  Type 1 is Manic and type 2 is depressive.  I have type 2.  When someone is Manic (and I only know this because I've been around some people who are Manic), they can do really weird things (it varies from person to person though).  I once knew a girl that when she was Manic, she would just continually clean.  She'd clean even if she didn't need to clean.  As for type 2, I really don't know the difference between that and regular depression.  I guess that is something you'd need to ask a psychiatrist.  I guess, I get mood swings like people with Bipolar, but the one I mostly get is being depressed.  I don't know if that really makes sense or not.

One of my dreams has been to have children one day, though I've realized recently that that dream will never come true.  Part of the reason I've come to accept that (as painful as it is) is because of my Schizoaffective.  Not saying all people with this do this, but from what others have told me and what I've researched, people who are Schizoaffective have a tendency to become abusive.  Funny how I've been abused by people and it could turn around and I could become the abuser instead.  As far as I know, I have never abused anyone, but if it turned out I did, I don't think I could ever forgive myself. I've asked my husband if I've ever abused him or the cat before and he says no.  But I also know there's a part of me that could snap one day and I may end up doing the thing I hate the most.  One time I was snuggling with my cat Shiro.  I was having what I call a "PTSD attack" because I really don't know what it's really called.  When I have these sort of "attacks," I like to snuggle with my cat to calm me down.  He doesn't like it when I do that though and one day when I was doing that, he scratched me in the face and ran under my husband's desk so I couldn't reach him.  That made the PTSD attack even worse and I threatened my husband that I was going to throw my cat outside.  My husband gave me a Xanax to calm me down (which will typically make me sleep all day), and then I realized what kind of threat I had made.  Never in my right mind would I get rid of my cat!  So I apologized to my husband and to Shiro (even though Shiro didn't understand what I had said).  I have a plush now that seems to sort of help me when I have those attacks now but I discussed that in my previous blog on PTSD.  When I think of that day, I realize I would not be a suitable parent.  If something set me off I might kick my child out like I was about to with our cat!  I would never be able to forgive myself for that.

My next blog will be the final one on mental illness most likely.  It'll be about Autism/Asperger's Syndrome and also BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).  They sort of go together (for me anyway) so that's why I'll be discussing both of them in my next blog.

Depression

I thought I would discuss what life is like with depression.  I previously addressed PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).

I was diagnosed with depression in the 6th grade (13 years ago).  Some days are worse than others.  Like PTSD, depression can often be very crippling.  Depression is more than just feeling sad.  It can range in different severities.  For me, it feels like extreme despair.  That coupled with PTSD makes a real doozy (does anyone even use that word anymore?).  With depression you lose a lot of motivation for things.  Things just don't feel all that important.  You tend to think, "What's the point anymore?"  That seems to happen with me with most things.  Take losing weight for example.  I've had weight issues for a long time.  In six years I gained 100 pounds and am about 150 pounds overweight.  I've tried many times to lose weight; I tend to do good for the first couple weeks, but then I burn out and think, "What's the point anymore?  I'm never going to be able to lose the weight" and I end up giving up.  I've been working really hard over the last four days though because I have a goal now (other than wanting to lose all the weight).  There's a costume I really want to wear for AWA next year, but the biggest size it comes in is a size smaller than I am.  Thinking about going down one dress size seems more reachable than losing 150 pounds.  Anyway, I don't know if I'll burn out again in a couple of weeks, but I'm really hoping no matter what I'll keep going.

So when you're depressed you lose a lot of motivation.  You also tend to want to be by yourself a lot. You feel like no one understands what you're feeling, or you feel like you're a burden on others, so you keep to yourself.  Of course, since depression varies for everyone, I'm only saying what it's like for me.

There are A LOT of medications out there to treat depression.  I have tried just about every anti-depressant out there.  Prozac helped me for years, though over the last few years it's made my depression worse.  Unfortunately with anti-depressants, a common side effect is they can increase suicidal thoughts/feelings.  This is what has happened to me.  There are other ways of treating depression other than medications though.  I almost tried one of them: ECT (Electroconvulsive Therapy), which is pretty much electro-shock therapy.  Unfortunately I wasn't approved for it due to my brain injury.  As of right now, I don't have anything except for therapy to treat my depression.  It's just something I have to live with since everything else makes it worse.

When I'm depressed, I tend to lock myself in the bedroom so no one can see me, and so I'm not near anything that I can hurt myself with.  It's very crippling.  There have been rare times where it seems like my depression was finally gone, but something always triggers it to come back.  When I am depressed I think very negatively and it's difficult to get me out of the pit.  It feels like I'm drowning.  People who care about me try to pull me back up to the surface, but it feels like something has grabbed me and is pulling me deeper into the sea.  The problem about depression also is sometimes you pull others down with you instead of them pulling you out.  This can be really hard for people to deal with and may even end their relationship with you because they can't handle it.  Don't fault them for this (but don't blame yourself either).  They don't know how to deal with it and feel helpless.  But keep in mind, there are those who will try to bring you out of it no matter what.  Lean on those people to be your anchor.

Fight to Survive

Last night I had a terrifying dream, and I think part of the reason it was so terrifying is because there was a lot of truth in it.  I was originally going to blog about something else today, but I feel like this is something I should address today.

In my dream, I kept getting text messages from an unknown number that said, "I'm coming for you!" Eventually, I realized it was actually Satan sending me these messages!  I was so scared he was going to take my soul.  I kept asking my parents "What should I do?  I don't want him taking my soul!"  They kept saying, "Ask God to protect you."  So I begged God to not let Satan take my soul.  There was this internal battle going on.  I could tell Satan was trying to take it (and quite violently I might add), but there was another force protecting me at the same time.  Then I woke up.

You might be thinking, "It's only a dream."  Perhaps it is, or perhaps there's something deeper behind it.  I don't know honestly.  But there is something I do know, we are ALL prisoners.  Satan really does own all of our souls and eventually he comes to collect what belongs to him.  The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy.  I have come that you may have life and have it abundantly.  (John 10:10)  But there is hope!  Jesus payed the ultimate price to free us!  We are no longer slaves to Satan when we are in Christ.  Satan has no ownership of us anymore.    Instead, we are children of God!  (Galatians 3:26)  Even though we are children of God, there is still an internal fight over our souls.  There is a war that is going on, and every one of us is in it.  It is a war not against flesh and blood, but against a much darker enemy.  (Ephesians 6:12)

You may say, "I fight for myself.  I am a slave to no one."  The enemy wants you to think that way.  Your prison has all sorts of nice things in it to keep you from escaping.  It's comfortable, even though the prison door is open!  All you have to do is walk out of it, but you're so comfortable where you're at now you don't want to leave.  It may be nice now, but eventually the executioner comes out.  You either die or escape and the only way to escape is to go through the door.  (John 10:9)  Once you leave the prison, it won't be all sunshine and rainbows.  The enemy will try to fight and bring you back in your prison.  But you don't fight alone.  Once you leave the prison you are an ambassador, a child of the King!  (2 Corinthians 5:20)  The King and His army fight for you against the enemy.  But you have to not go back to your prison.  Life won't be easy, in fact, it may be even harder than your life was in the prison.  We were never promised an easy life.  The world will hate us.  (John 15:18)  They will try to beat us and kill us.  They may be able to physically kill us, but spiritually, we will never die.  (John 11:25)  We have to fight for our souls!  But not just our own souls, but the souls of others as well!  We have to help those who are in their prisons realize there is a door they can leave!  You may say, "I have all the time in the world, I don't have to leave right now."  You DON'T have as much time as you think you do!  As I said before, eventually the executioner will come to kill you.  Once he comes there is no escape.  You must escape now!  Fight for your soul!

Life with PTSD

I won't say my PTSD is the same as someone who's fought at war or was raped, but I do have PTSD and I thought I'd tell you what it's like to live with PTSD.

You're pretty much ALWAYS on guard.  Everywhere you go you don't feel completely safe.  The tiniest things can set things off.  One time after a Bible Study a couple years ago, my husband and I were walking back to the car and a friend came up from behind me and pretty much jumped me saying "Happy Halloween!"  I wanted to curl up somewhere and die because it freaked me out so much!  I don't fault them though, they didn't know.  Even little taps from behind freak me out.

Nightmares, you tend to keep reliving your trauma over and over again.  It feels like you can't really escape your trauma.  You have many late nights and don't sleep well because you don't want to keep reliving the trauma.  It doesn't only happen in your nightmares though.  Sometimes little things will bring up memories.  There was something this past week that brought back bad memories for me and I flew into a tailspin.  These memories can make you feel sick.  It makes it difficult to trust people too.  I suppose that's part of the reason they have service dogs, it's easier to trust a dog than another person I suppose.

My PTSD is probably mild compared to most people wth PTSD honestly.  I can't really think of a lot of stuff about PTSD except for what I've experienced.  I'm hoping some day I can get a service dog for my PTSD, though not until my cat is gone.  So it won't be for several more years.

What are some things that can help cope with PTSD?  Honestly, I'm still in the process of finding out, but what sometimes works for me is holding my cat Shiro.  Unfortunately, he tends to get angry with me when I do that and will sometimes scratch me trying to get away.  I have a plushie I got at AWA this year of Mokona from Magic Knight Rayearth/Tsubasa Chronicles.  I had been wanting it since 2008 and my husband got it for me!  So I've been cuddling with that and it helps some.

If you know someone who has PTSD, please be patient with them.  PTSD can really change a person.  Let them know you're available for them whenever they need to talk and that you won't judge them with how they are reacting.  If you are struggling with PTSD, please see a counselor and a psychiatrist.  I'm on medication for PTSD and it helps it a lot.  You are not alone.

Abuse

So in my last blog I touched a little bit on abuse.  I thought this entry I would expand on that.

I've been emotionally and sexually abused.  To make it clear, it wasn't by family or my husband.  They were by friends and an ex-boyfriend.  In 8th grade, I moved to a different state due to my dad's job four days before Christmas.  I was fourteen and a new Christian.  In January, I started going to a Christian school and hit it off with a guy at school.  We started school the exact same day and we had a lot in common.  I had a crush on him, but I didn't tell him.  We lived really close by to each other, we even carpooled to school together.  He was my first friend after I moved.  There were rumors he had feelings for me too.  That summer he went on a missions trip so I didn't get to spend time with him over the summer.  I actually still have a bracelet he got for me that was hand-made.  When we went back to school, he had changed.  I made a friend who started school and we seemed to hit it off too.  But when my friend came back to school after the missions trip, he started hanging out with her quite a bit.  I got jealous and suspected he had feelings for her, so I told him I had feelings for him.  After I told him though, he changed.  He started teasing me about my weight and saying really terrible things to me.  In the science classroom, there was a jar with a giant spider in it.  He knew how afraid I was of bugs, especially spiders.  He put the jar right in my face and I freaked out.  I ran to the other side of the classroom and curled up in a fetal position underneath the teacher's desk.  He just laughed at me.  Another time he caught a bee during lunch (we ate outside) and put it in a bag.  Just before class I opened my locker to get my books and I found a plastic bag in my locker.  I thought it was strange since I didn't remember putting it there.  I picked it up and there was a bee jumping around (alive) in the bag!  I was so freaked out!  I took the bag to my class and asked "Who did this?"  My friend was laughing and said he did it.  He ended up getting in trouble for it (if I remember right he got a couple weeks of detention after school for it).  I wanted to leave, but every now and then he'd reel me back in saying something really sweet to me.  I decided to stay after school with him and help him with his detention.  He too advantage of my kindness though.  He got possessive with my new friend.  Every time I'd try to hang out with her at school he'd get really mad at me.  Another time I got so upset with him being nasty towards me I actually slapped him across the face.  I couldn't take it anymore, he kept getting nastier and nastier towards me, I ended up leaving the school.

In 11th grade, I started going to a new school (I changed schools a lot growing up).  The school had just opened and on the first day we had a party.  There was this senior who was the hottest guy I had ever seen.  He was also in ROTC.  I talked to him a bit at the party trying to get to know him.  We seemed to have some things in common, when all of a sudden, he touched me in a way that I shouldn't have been touched.  Part of me liked it, but another part of me was scared.  Nothing like this had ever happened to me.  I didn't really know what to do, especially since it was out in the open around other people.  No one else noticed it.  I later found out he was gay and it scared me even more.  He had a boyfriend and I assumed they probably had sex and it scared me because I wondered, "what all has this guy touched before touching me?"  I told my gynecologist and she said it wasn't anything to physically worry about.  I asked her not to tell my parents, and she didn't.  By I eventually told my parents.  They said I had to tell the principal and I did.  All they did was say we couldn't be around each other at school.  For the most part, I avoided him, but then we had an art class together. It was jewelry design class (which by the way, is the only art class I've ever taken that I almost failed in).  We sat at the same table.  One day he brought his palm pilot to class and was playing music on it in class.  A song came on I really liked and I asked him what song it was.  He refused to tell me, so I grabbed his palm pilot (which was in the middle of the table) to look at the song and he got really pissed off.  He said, "Let go of my palm pilot!"  He grabbed my arm and started twisting it.  He pushed me off my chair and I fell on a cement floor.  After that happened, I told the principal (again) and they had me change classes.

After I graduated high school, I had an online boyfriend.  He was my "dream guy."  Everything seemed to be going really well.  He was Catholic, but he didn't like that I wanted to wait to have sex until after getting married.  He told me, "I'm going to make you no longer a nun."  I probably should've figured at that moment that I should've gotten out of the relationship, but I didn't.  He never wanted to meet me in person which was kinda suspicious too.  He started looking at porn and that really upset me.  I thought, "If he's going to look at any naked women it should be his girlfriend!"  So I did something I didn't want to do....I sent him pornographic images of myself.  It was very awkward, but I thought, "If I do this, he'll want to stay with me surely."  At first he said I looked very beautiful, which no guy had ever told me.  Then he started saying things I needed to change that I couldn't help.  But I did it anyway, no matter that I wasn't suppose to do it because of skin problems that I have.  Eventually, he broke up with me saying "You're just too depressed and I can't handle you anymore.  But we can still be friends."  It really hurt, and I asked for another chance, but this had already been my second chance and he didn't want to give me another chance.  So I tried to just be friends with him.  Then he started saying really mean stuff to me, but I tried to just take it.  Then I found out he liked one of my friends, and she liked him too.  I wanted them to be happy, even though it hurt me, so I hooked them up.  He continued to get worse with me and I told his girlfriend she needed to talk to him to cut it out.  She said, "I'm his girlfriend I'm supposed to just agree with him."  I told her, "If he was treating you this way when I was going out with him, I would've said something to him." He then messaged me saying he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.  I was so devastated that I tried to take my life.  I had a massive overdose and I called him and told him - he hung up on me.  This was my first suicide attempt.  I later found out I had just been a guinea pig to him and he wanted to test to see how far he could go with me.  He even started spreading lies about me like I had cut myself and sent him pictures of my cuts.  Shortly after my husband and I got married, he contacted me again.  He said he wanted to try to be friends again (this was a year after my suicide attempt).  I was still upset with him, but I wanted to be forgiving as well.  I asked my husband if it was okay with him if I talked to my ex and he said it was fine as long as he didn't hurt me again.  I started talking to him again, but then old feelings started coming back.  I told him I couldn't talk to him anymore because of old feelings and he attacked my husband saying he was jealous I was talking to him.  I cut it off after that.

The most recent abuse I went through was a year ago.  I had a bit of a rocky relationship with my dad (which is much better now) and I wanted someone who could be like a father to me.  I realized I started seeing one of my husband's good friend like a father.  So I told him and I said he didn't need to say anything because I figured he didn't see me like a daughter.  He said I worried too much.  He said he was okay with being a father-figure in my life.  The first month was really good, he even gave a bass guitar and was teaching me how to play it!  But then things started going bad.  He kept saying hurtful things, but each time he'd start reeling me back in.  I started working for him for free, but the same thing kept happening.  Eventually I started cutting because I was so hurt.  Then he didn't want to talk to me anymore.  I ended up having a second massive overdose trying to kill myself, and once again I had failed.  While I was in the hospital, he had asked someone from his church to see if I was okay (my father-in-law had told him what happened).  I started thinking, "Maybe he does still care about me."  I texted him and told him I had hoped we could start over.  He said maybe and that I just needed to focus on getting better.  While at the hospital, I started to realize how much people cared about me, and how much God cared about me.  Suddenly I was no longer depressed!  I started patching things up with this guy, but then he called me an idiot.  I was so depressed again, I almost cut myself again.  I realized he had too much power over my life, so I told him I couldn't talk to him for a while until he no longer had power over me.  A few months went by and then he blocked me on Facebook.  I started cutting more and more.  At one point he unblocked me, and I ha high hopes again, but then he blocked me again and told a friend "I accidentally unblocked her."  Before we moved in February, my husband tried to make things right with this guy so when we moved they could be on good terms.  But no, that didn't happen.  He kept accusing me of things and saying hurtful things.  Even his wife started doing the same thing, even to the point of accusing me of trying to make the relationship sexual.  I kept cutting, to the point where I was doing it three times a week.  My husband was so furious he blocked them both on Facebook and hasn't talked to them again since.

I know this i a long post, but I tried to not include everything because it would be much longer and unnecessary.  The thing about abuse, whether it's emotional, sexual, or physical, it is difficult to get out of.  There's a part of you that wants to get out, but there's another part of you that thinks things will change if you just hold on a little longer.  But things won't get better.  They will continue to get worse until it gets to the point where they either kill you or you end up killing yourself.  If you are in an abusive relationship, get out as soon as possible!  If you have children, get them out too because there's a good chance that they could become abused as well.  You are worth more than having to go through this!

If you are in an abusive relationship, go to www.crisistextline.org.  It's free and confidential.